I’m so glad you made this thread. My week has been pure shit and I want to vent.
Warning: long post ahead.
I struggle with what I guess is considered depression, but I haven’t been professionally diagnosed, mainly because I’m too scared and embarrassed to seek help. Stupid move, I know, but I went through a time in my life where I was in therapy, and I really don’t want to go back. People look at and treat you differently when you’re in therapy, especially for something like depression, ESPECIALLY when you have food in your fridge, running water, and a bed to sleep in. GOD FORBID you feel awful when you “have it better than most people in the world”.
“You have nothing to be depressed about! Get over it! There are people dying, Kim!”
“Maybe you’re just dehydrated?”
“Have you tried spending more time outside? Sunshine is the best medicine!”
You’re telling me that all I’ve been needing to do this whole time is bask in the sun? And that’ll magically erase my problems??? Golly gee, thanks for letting me know!!!
I get so mad at myself sometimes because most of my depression stems from feeling alone. Instead of maybe, I don’t know, going out and making friends and living life, I’d rather stay in my room all day in my bed.
Which is exactly why I feel depressed (for the most part) in the first place. Because I’m alone. While I hate being alone, it’s all I want to be. Then I eventually remember that having friends wouldn’t necessarily change anything because, as everyone knows, depression literally messes with your brain chemistry. So even if I did do something to “better” my life, I would still be depressed. Maybe not as severely, but it would still be there.
Along with the chronic loneliness and numbness comes brain fog, which is a whole other frustration on its own. When I get (mentally) stuffed up, I struggle to form sentences, express myself properly, write, think… you name it. I can’t do anything. And if I can, I barely manage to, and it drains me.
That’s pretty much been my week. Barely any appetite, very little energy, almost no inspiration or motivation to do anything, constant brain fog to the point that I can barely think. It’s gotten a little better, which is good I guess, but I’m still not 100% myself. I know I should probably get help, but like I said, it scares me. Sometimes feel like I’m not “depressed enough” for treatment. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, and I don’t want to take time away from someone who is truly in need of help. Honestly, I’m a little hesitant to even post this for the same reason.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST: Just because I’m a girl DOESN’T mean that it’s just my hormones. I’ve had people tell me with a straight face that I’m only PMSing and that I only feel the way I do because “girls are more emotional”. Boys deal with depression and mental illness, too, but it’s almost never blamed on their hormones. Why does me being a girl matter?
I hope I’m not coming across as someone looking for pity and attention, because I’m really not. (I also hate that stigma. No one can talk about their MH without someone assuming it’s for attention.) I just hope at least someone will be able to relate to this. If anyone ever needs support or someone to vent to, feel free to PM me. I might not be of much help, but I know how helpful it can be to have someone simply listen to and be there for you