Review of Squad: runaway dragons for @MatchaTae
This review is meant to help the author improve their story. This was not written to give hate or discourage anyone.
Plot - 3/5
I’ve never seen anyone use dragons as characters so I find the concept unique, but I think you could develop the plot more.
Although anyone would be scared or furious when strangers trespass into their home and refuse to leave, Ming let them stay and just went to bed after talking to them. She even made them breakfast. I think the start of the story would have been more interesting if Ming had realistic reactions.
Genre - 4/4
Although 3/4 of the main characters are dragons, there aren’t much magical elements, so the story is rightfully categorized as a comedy.
Syntax & Grammar - 4/5
I noticed a few mistakes. At the start when you’re explaining, there’s a sentence that says, “But you will get to changes her hairstyle, hair colour and lip colour.” The word “changes” should be change.
Please read through your entire script and correct all the mistakes or get a proofreader.
Directing - 6/10
I noticed that there are pauses between some actions. Instead of using @, use &, and or then. For example, when Yuko scared Zemi, there was a pause and Zemi reacted late. Have them move at the same time like this:
@YUKO is frighten_boo AND ZEMI is react_scream_horror
When Xiuri said, “Sissy?” Yuko and Zemo reacted after she spoke instead of while she was speaking.
&YUKO is sigh_disappointed AND ZEMO is react_startled_surprised
XIURI
Sissy?
When Yuko and Zemi left Xiuri behind, Xiuri did the walk_exhausted_loop animation then she was standing and smiling before she did idle_exhausted_cramp_loop. So that the animations look smooth, do this:
@XIURI enters from left to screen left and XIURI does it while walk_exhausted_loop THEN XIURI is idle_exhausted_cramp_loop
In my opinion, you should always capitalize the first letter of choices. Do note that this is just my preference and other authors may think otherwise.
choice
“Yeah”{
}“Nope”{
}
The character and speech bubble spotting and layering could use some work. When the three girls entered the human world, the background characters were really big and were as tall as the building. I suggest making them smaller.
The speech bubble sometimes covered the character’s face or wasn’t near the character.
When Zemi danced because Yuko announced it’s time to eat, she was standing behind Xiuri even though Xiuri was sitting.
When Ming and the other girls were talking in her room, the camera kept panning. When characters are conversing in different zones, just cut into the zone of the person speaking to save time.
&cut to zone 1
MING
Get out of my room.
&cut to zone 2
YUKO
Sorry, no.
Chapter Length - 5/5
Most people prefer 10-17 minute-long stories, and the story followed through.
Choices - 2/5
Though there are choices, none of them seemed to matter. The first choice was “of course” and “yeah” which mean the same thing.
Music and Sound Effects - 1/2
Though there is optional music, I didn’t hear any sound effects like walking or screaming.
Diversity - 2/4
I appreciate that the characters, even the dragons, have different skin tones, but I didn’t see any disability, LGBTQIA+ or religious representation.
Total = 27/40
I think your story can have great potential if you work on the plot more! If you need anymore directing help, Dara Amarie’s website and Episode Life has several tutorials.
please send me screenshots to prove you’ve read my story before I start reviewing yours.
