Review of Memory Lost for @tessa28
This review is meant to give honest feedback and is in no way meant to discourage the author or anyone else.
Plot - 3/5
The first episode was fast-paced and I was confused at the beginning. The protagonist saw a man get shot and saved him without hesitation. There was no backstory and no indication as to why she did that for a stranger and how she got the gun.
I understand that the mystery can add to the drama, but many things happened at once that I was left bewildered.
Genre - 3/4
I believe the story is in the right genre, but I think it could be more dramatic.
Syntax & Grammar - 4/5
I noticed only one mistake in the first episode. Add -ing to eat or change “I helped him with eat” to I helped him eat.
Lyle said, “Let’s do Hair.” Lots of people talk to themselves like they’re two different people, but I still suggest changing it to, “I should do my hair,” or something similar. Also, hair is not a proper noun so the letter h shouldn’t be capitalized.
I wasn’t able to take a screenshot of when she said it, but it was before this:
Directing - 6.5/10
The transitions were quite long. I suggest fading in and out no more than 1 second.
The spotting is sometimes non-proportional to the environment. Make sure to resize the characters smaller when they’re far away. There were also layering problems. Pearl was much bigger than Ryan yet she was behind him.
Some the speech bubbles weren’t placed well. I understand that Episode misplaces speech bubbles sometimes, so please make sure to reread your script and spot the bubbles yourself.
I noticed that the camera was almost always zoomed out. When there are only 1 or 2 characters talking, I suggesting zooming in on them so the reader can see their expressions better and to make the reader feel included in the conversation.
After speaking, characters are sometimes stuck in their last action. To avoid them freezing, do this:
The characters roll their eyes a lot. It can be confusing if they do an awkward (talk_awkward, idle_awkward) animation then roll their eyes, because it can be hard to understand if they’re nervous or annoyed.
Chapter Length - 3/5
Most people prefer chapters that are 10-17 minutes long, and the first three chapters were less than 10 minutes long.
Choices - 1/5
Aside from clothing and CC choices, there were no choices throughout the 3 episodes. You don’t have to add lots of choices but interactivity is important. Even mini games like where to shoot the enemies can impress readers and make them more interested.
Music and Sound Effects - 1/2
There was music throughout the first episode but not in the second episode when they arrived at Ryan’s house. I didn’t hear any sound effects, like walking or gunshots, either.
Diversity - 1/4
Although the characters’ appearances varied, they all had light skin, and I didn’t see any LGBT+ and religious representation. Feel free to correct me if I missed any signs.
Total = 22.5/40
I hope this doesn’t stop you from writing. Please take my feedback and use it to improve your story.
