My Bad Boy Love (Limelight + MC CC + no gems choices)

Hello my dears :slight_smile:

I would be glad if you could read my story and give me some feedback. I’m not that experienced, but it’s getting better and better. I am from Austria so my english is not that good.
Any help would make me happy when I have mistakes in my story.

Have a great day! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts::smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

Hi, @Black_Widoowx!
I read the first chapter of your story and here are my initial thoughts.

Plot: From the first chapter alone, I cannot tell much about the plot aside from what’s granted in the synopsis. I don’t necessarily think this is a bad thing, nor something that would need to be changed–I think many times, we leave our first episodes for character development more so than plot development. However, I will say that there is nothing immediately present that draws me in so that I feel like I must read the next chapter. If you were to change anything, I would suggest to present some sort of cliff-hanger or interesting plot point that would make it more compelling to go forward.

Directing: Directing is really hard at first! That being said, you’re doing a great job. :slightly_smiling_face: I will admit, though, that it is immediately apparent that you are a beginner (and that’s okay–everyone was at one point!). Your directing will naturally get better as you write more, I think, but if you would like to go back and make edits at some point, I would focus on having more smooth transitions between dialogue. For example, the first conversation between Sarah and her father, they both continuously ‘speak’–their mouths are both moving. Rather than using a looping animation, maybe opt for one that is a bit shorter so that it is clear that when Sarah stops talking, her father starts. Does that make sense? :thinking: This one is pretty hard sometimes–I run into it in my story sometimes too. I don’t think it’s a huge deal, but worth cleaning up at times.

Grammar: Firstly, I congratulate you on your English in the first place. English wasn’t my first language either, so I know how hard it can be to write in it–and I applaud you for taking on the endeavor! I will say, though, that there are many points in the first episode where it is confusing to read the statements. My best suggestion to you is to perhaps take on a co-writer (or even just an editor? Maybe a friend that you like to share your stories with?) that is a native speaker who can read through your dialogue with you and help you in making more natural conversation until you have a more fluent grasp of the language. Again, still impressed. :relaxed:

Characters: I’m already loving the interactions between Sarah and her father. Super cute. In the first episode alone I can’t get much of a feel for the love interest’s character, but that’s okay–again, I know that we often save the first episode for character development and world building.

Progression: The first episode is relatively short, so there isn’t much progression–again, not necessarily a bad thing. I think the major progress in that episode is the introduction of Jonas. I would say that if you want to lengthen the episode, I would suggest adding in some more background information–maybe more information about her relationship with her dad, or her best friend, or more about her so that we can see more of who Sarah is so that when we see the contrast of her against Jonas, it’s significant.

Final Thoughts: I think the story has potential! If you were to make changes, I would definitely add some more to the first episode to set a better opening to the story, and maybe look for that editor! Otherwise, good luck! :kissing_heart:

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Many many thanks for your great and very detailed assessment. :kissing_heart::kissing_heart:
There are very good suggestions and I am very grateful for that. For me it is twice as difficult to write a story because my language is not English. But I will take your great suggestions to heart.

Greetings and have a nice day :smiling_face_with_three_hearts::kissing_heart::kissing_heart:

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