My first ever chapter

Hey guys! Here’s the first chapter to my story Amnesia. Please let me know what I can do better and is it too short? Hope you’ll read it :heart:
xoxo

UPDATE: link has been removed as I started working on the chapter again.

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I think you are to good start.
however I do suggest a few things.

  • You should add some transitions into your story. That way it doesn’t look like characters are just jumping through scenes.
  • I don’t know if your story is people of all ages or for a certain age group. but may add in a “viewers discretion splash”.
  • The cop was a bit standoffish (which isn’t bad, but kind of threw me off.)
  • You might want to add some narration in this episode.
  • Try finish all of your sentences with a period, even if you are going to the next line or you can use - symbol.
  • You might also want to add some animations to the two men that Erica approaches.
  • The episode is quite short, it seemed to be about 400 lines, it felt like I was reading for 1 minute.
  • Everything seems quite rushed, how did the officer know how to find out Erica name and info?
    transitions and narration can help make everything seem less rushed.
    I think you should work on it more. other than that - It’s a great start.
  • You might also want to play around with spot directing. With limelight girl characters are taller than the boy characters, and Erica was quite taller than all the men (unless that was the point).
4 Likes

Sounds interesting! I would be willing to do a r4r with you for the first chapter if you would like?
Story: Sorry, Wrong Number
Genre: Thriller
Summary: “And that’s how we’ll get rid of the body. Sorry, wrong number.”
When a text is sent to the wrong person, it leads to a race against time to prevent a murder. TEXT BASED
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5933958626344960

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Thanks a lot! :heartbeat: JUST the kind of feedback I was hoping for :pray: its still a work in progress and I know it’s really short, so I was thinking about merging it with the second chapter when I’m done with them. Yeah the size of her has really been annoying me hehe… I will definitely do that!
Oh and what do you mean by ‘standoffish’? Officer Adams is a “grey area” I don’t know what I want to do with him or if I want to make him significant to the story.
I will try to add some narration, transition and more animations and add some more scenes to make it seem less rushed :grin:
What did you think about the zooming? I wasn’t sure I was doing it right or if I should have added timing or maybe zoom more or less :sweat_smile::sweat_smile:

Thanks again, it means a lot that you took the time to read and review it :heartbeat::pray:

2 Likes

that WAS a good story, i went to read it and it was GREAT!

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I uploaded my 3 first chapters earlier today! Unfortunately, I have no idea where I can find the link to them. Can someone please tell me?

the zooming was perfect.
what i mean by standoffish was that he quickly assumed she was drunk. he kinda was brushing her off when she was saying she doesn’t remember

oh another feedback. when the character is walking. to another zone number. do this
&pan to zone # in T
@follow CHAR to zone # in T
when you do it like that. it follow the character to the zone

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image

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Omg I am so dumb! Thank you so much for enlightening me!

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Omg thank you! I have been struggling with that! :heart_eyes::pray:
Oh and yeah that was on purpose haha… I guess as a cop during night when some weird girl comes up to you and says “where am I? I cant remember anything” they’d just assume that they were drunk or had been blackout drunk - because I guess they encounter a painful amount of drunk people during a night shift like this one, thats why I made him kinda annoyed and arrogant, but he changes when he finds out she wasn’t just another helpless drunk rando :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye::sweat_smile: does that make sense?

2 Likes

Thanks a lot, much appreciated :smile: I’m still going to tweak a little and make it longer, its a WIP. But I’m so glad you liked it! :heartbeat::heartbeat:

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<3 :slight_smile:

Thank you so much!

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