My first story has just been published!

The first 3 chapters of my first story has just been published please check it out and give me feedback it will be super appreciated!!!

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Congratulations gurl :partying_face:

Thank you!

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I will review it tonight or tomorrow!

Really!!! Awesome thank you!

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You’re welcome :grinning:

Alrighty here’s your review! Its very detailed!

Errors

Chapter 1

  • The transition when the story begins fades out and then fades in again. A way to fix it is by making sure that the transition fades out one time.

  • When Dark Angel enters she walks to screen left and then glitches to the correct spot which is screen center. A way to fix this is by making sure that she only walks to screen center.

  • In the first scene in the living room, you should let them walk to the couches instead of letting them appear there. A way to do this is by putting @CHARACTER walks to spot __

  • There is a long pause during this scene.

  • Everytime the text scenes end, Brantley always enters the scene again. He should instead be standing and reading the phone.

  • Brantley disappears and appears on the bed. A way to fix this is by letting him walk to the bed.
    Chapter two

  • The Warning screen at the beginning looked crooked and also it looks like that at the beginning of episode three too

  • Dark Angel should stand screen center while she is talking so that it would be more focused on her.

  • Brantley is not actually in the screen.

  • When Brantley goes to the park to meet Ellie, he just appears in thin air so it would be better if you made him walk to the correct spot. Ellie is not in the screen in this scene either.
    Chapter 3

  • There is a huge black screen pause when Nathan stops texting Lethia.

  • When Ellie is talking to the others she is not in the screen.

Overall

  • There are a lot of times throughout the story when characters are not in the screen fully.

  • There are many times when characters don’t have talking animations or they’re standing still or doing repettitive animation when they are thinking. A way to fix this is by going through all your script for each chapter and making sure that there are animations everytime a character is talking. Also go back and use different non talking animations when they are thinking so that they don’t just stand there or so that the thinking animations change eveey thinking dialogue. Kinda hard to explain lol

  • I think you should check your spelling or sentence structure again or get someone else to do ot if it’s hard for you.

Thoughts
  • The phone text scene is cool.

  • I think you should talk about the characters daily lives and backgrounds. For example you could let one of the characters say “Im going to go to work” or “The store” You could also tell the audience more about Val.

  • I liked how the third episode showed what happened before Ellie met Brantley.

  • I really like your small cover!

Congratsss! Wanna r4r?

Thank you so much for the feedback I hadn’t noticed the characters cut off because in both the phone and web previewer they weren’t so I will be fixing that! And I noticed my typos and sentence structure errors! And thank you for the tips! I appreciate it!

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Yeah of course! Let me correct the issues and flow of these chapters before you read them. Hit me up on Instagram!

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I don’t have ig

Oh okay I’ll just PM you

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