My first story tell me what you think


#1

Go read my first story called Sugar&Spice and tell me what you think my profile name is Nae sorry having trouble with the link


#2

Hi! I can read your story and share my thoughts about it later :wink:


#3

I would like that thankyou


#4


So, Nae, I’ve read your story and I can tell you have a cool idea about owning bakery and competition issues. You should develop it into the bigger story with love interest, lawyer for example :blush:
So, a bit of criticism:

  1. Dialogs.
    I think you should put punctuation marks, especially commas. It will help readers to understand emotions of the characters, their intonation. It also gives more details.
    For example; Ok! Fine! Then you stay here, but I’m going to visit her bakery!

  2. Red eyes and green curly hair looks scary haha. Really. But after 4 chapter I changed my mind :grin:
    Try to recustomize your characters.

  3. Oh, and they laught a lot! Sometimes characters animation don’t match their dialogs. Firstly I thought everyone is crazy :sweat_smile: You made them veeery emotional.

  4. You can add more Enoria’s thoughts to the story which gives understanding about her feelings.

I hope my opinion would be helpful and you’ll use my recommendations.

Best wishes
More readers

Darianna :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:


Need part of episode reviewed. (Again)
First Story! Feedback, please
My new story I'll see you soon
#5

Hi thankyou for the feedback but I just wanted to let you know that this is a comedy😂 so I purposely made the animations off from the dialogue to make it somewhat funny but I dont think it worked