Review for @Sebule
THIS REVIEW IS IN NO WAY MEANT TO OFFEND THE AUTHOR BUT TO PROVIDE FEEDBACK
Title: I made the devil cry
Interesting name, it doesn’t really make me super interested in Reading it though just judging by the name.
Author:Sebule
Chapters read: 3/4
Description: ”Be a soldier. Save your kingdom from darkness. There’s just one problem. Fate you can’t escape from. What’s gonna be your choice?”
It’s interesting But I feel like it sounds a bit Weird in My opinion the way.
I think this would sound better:
”You’re a soldier trying to save your kingdom from darkness. There’s just one problem, you can’t escape fate. But you can always try”
7/10
Cover: the cover was pretty cool and I feel like it represented the story Well. If I saw it on the app I’d defintely consider Reading it! 9/10
CC: There was No CC. I Don’t like CC so I actually don’t mind this At all. But take advantage of the fact that there’s No CC. Use hand overlays, full body overlays etc! I love hand overlays and full body overlays so if you have No CC you should take advantage of that and put them in.
Plot: I really liked the plot, I haven’t seen anything like it before! It was new and not very cliche At all! I love the whole concept of it and I really enjoyed it! It needs some development still Which I hope I’ll see in the future chapters. I liked the friendship between Helena and Raven, They really seem to care about each other even though they fight sometimes. You Also notice How strong Helenas feelings are towards Myroslav. I really hope we’ll get to know More about these Two and Whatever he has that makes him act like this. I would Also really like to know More about Ravens and Helenas past as Well as Damians past. We got to know some things about Damian and Helena But not Much about Raven and Why She does this. I Also would like to know More about the master and Why this Diamond (or What it was I forgot) is so important. If I decide to continue I really hope I’ll see More character/plot development and backstories.
8/10
Chapter length: I think the chapters were a pretty good length. A tad bit on the shorter side though.
7/10
Choices: I have only seen one choice so far Which I gained a point from. I hope you’ll add More choices Which you gain points from and that you make these choices have a impact on the story because else there’s No point in them. In chapter Two I saw 1 or Two as Well and in chapter 3 I Don’t think I saw Any. Which is understandable since it focus a bit on Damian and his past. I think you can add a bit More choices though. Just Don’t add them for the sake of it and add them because they’ll change the plot in some way. If you are able to put in dressing games that would be cool too.
7/10
Overlays/Directing: You used some overlays in chapter 1. For example the bruise and blood overlays Which was pretty cool. But When She was moving the bruise wasn’t moving along with her so it looked a bit Weird. I’d suggest you fix that.
In chapter 1 I didn’t notice Any mistakes with the directing But it wasn’t that advanced. I’d suggest putting in More overlays etc. It really makes to story feel 10 Times better. I get How directing can be hard though. As I mentioned I didn’t notice any errors in the directing But it wasn’t that advanced either.
In chapter Two you also used a couple of blood overlays and the overlay with the gun etc. They were pretty cool.
In chapter 3 I Don’t remember many, if any overlays. As I mentioned it would be cool if you tried a bit More advanced directing.
7/10
Diversity: I haven’t noticed that Much diversity yet. I saw some POC etc but not that Much diversity. I Also suggest putting in some background characters because I didn’t notice Any. The ball scene was totally empty, which seems a bit unrealistic. I suggest putting in some background characters and if you do, take the time to Customize them or At least their outfits. The names are pretty cool and Unique.
7/10
Music/sound: The use of sounds and music was really good. It added a lot to the story and made the scenes More intense. The use of sounds and music in the first scene of the first chapter was amazing. It made the scene a lot More intense. 10/10
Cohesiveness: Things moved a bit too fast. You should slow it down just a bit and spread things into More chapters. I had a hard time understanding everything because some things felt like it moved too fast. I’d suggest slowing it down a bit. It’s hard to process everything That’s going on. 6/10
Spelling/Grammar: Your grammar is pretty good from What I’ve seen so far. I didn’t notice that many errors But I did notice a few.
I’m not exactly sure What the sentence was But I’m pretty sure it Said something like That’s not mine problem. It’s supposed to be My, not mine. I clicked a bit fast but I think it said mine and not my, Correct me if I’m wrong.
Another example is ”Don’t think about wining before you won”. It’s meant to be winning not wining.
When Helena Said ”it hurts like motherfucker”, it sounds better if you put ”it hurts like a motherfucker.” I’m pretty sure there were more tiny errors in chapter 1 but Nothing huge that I noticed. English is not My first language so I might not notice every error.
In a scene in chapter Two you wrote ”there’s too Much of them”, it sounds better if you write ”there’s too many of them”. You Also wrote ”there’s no chance we both make it alive”, it’s meant to be ”There’s No chance we both will make it out alive.”
You Also wrote shot her when it’s meant to be shoot her.
In one scene in chapter 2 you made the same mistake with writing mine instead of My.
You Also forgot some punctations.
6/10
Narration: The narration was pretty good, Nothing too cool though. I like a lot of narration but I Also know a lot of people would rather have you show then tell But I feel like some feelings can be into Words using narration. Also When writing narrations try using More difficult Words if that makes sense. It makes the story More interesting. For example instead of putting in beautiful, put ravishing. 6.5/10
Overall: It’s a great story that has a lot of potential. It needs som grammar and spelling fixment and development. But overall it’s a really good story!
.
