Hi, here is my feedback for Episode 1:
Minor Errors:
- I would lengthen the warning page a bit longer since it was difficult to read quickly. ( I noticed it was later on fixed or maybe I missed it )
- Add readerMessage after the pause to make it clearer to read.
- I spotted one of the background characters to have vampire fangs, are they meant to have them?
- For customization for the MC, have the character zoomed in a bit more so that their facial features are the main focus.
- Customization for LI can be placed after the choice of picking a gender for the LI. Readers won’t need to spend time picking looks for a character they may not potentially see for the rest of the story.
- When picking the gender for the LI, don’t forget to put in a ‘No, take me back.’ choice.
- Looping background is a tad fast for the eyes.
English:
Notes:
- When listing the status of every class, I would take out the word ‘ones’.
- Example: There are the rich. The influential. The lucky.
- Each class could be elaborated more, so that the reader have more context to work with. Tip: More writing, the better! It will also enhance the plot!
- The theme appears old fashioned, so I advise you to use different vocabulary and a different way to structure your sentences.
Bolded sentences are the corrections I’ve made to the original listed down below.
Description:
Dear World,
I will end this unfair, cruel system, so that this terrible war ends, bringing a new era of peace and democracy.
Sincerely,
Maylene
(CC, LL, & LGBTQ+ )
Dear World,
I will end this merciless and unfair hierarchy so that this terrible war ends, bringing us a new era of peace and democracy.
Sincerely,
Maylene
(CC, LL, & LGBTQ + )
[ Don’t worry, I checked the word count : ) ]
Our kingdom is not a united one.
Our kingdom is torn from the thought of unity.
It’s a separated one, filled with injustice and hate.
It’s completely divided, filled with injustice and hatred.
You see, we all live in the same kingdom, however the two classes of masters and slaves live in separate worlds.
You see, we all live in the same kingdom. However, the two classes masters and slaves, live in two different worlds.
My parents were wealthy masters, but I never knew them, since they have died long ago when I was young.
Both my parents were once wealthy masters, but I never grew to know them. They passed away when I was at a young age.
He is like a father to me, and I love him so much.
He is like a father to me and for that, I love him so very much.
And ost importantly…
And most importantly…
Third, you must own at least one slave.
You must own the very least, one slave.
Those are the laws.
Those are the three laws.
They live in horrible conditions, sleeping in tight, cramped spaces, and they barely get any food or water.
They suffer by living in horrible conditions, sleeping in tight, cramped spaces and barely get fed any food or given any water.
It’s all in the laws.
It’s all written in the laws.
Directing:
- When panning a background, try to refrain from stopping or pausing in between. ( it would look more consistent and smoother especially when there’s narration! )
- Great use of spotting! I’m a bit nit picky with character placement, but a directing tip of mine is to always have characters lined up at eye-level so that would mean scaling background characters unless there is elevation in the background such as a staircase.
- Background characters walking past should also be at eye-level with the rest to make the scene really realistic.
- Watch out for layering when doing this.
- Try to have as many animations as possible. Especially during narration parts, try to have characters occupying themselves with something to engage your readers.
- Majority outfits really suit the theme! However, some of them seemed more modernized than the rest. If you need outfits, I can definitely design those too for you.
Ways to enhance this Episode:
Directing:
- You can get a little creative and advanced with the spotting by moving them further back into the background. It will make the scene pop too!
- Adding more non-large role characters will really add emphasis to your story, even if they are just background characters. I, for one, hate creating them, but it holds so much purpose when putting them all together in a scene. ( you do have some, I would add more! )
Writing Tips:
- Since this is the first episode to kick off your story, I suggest you try to hook your readers right away. It’s great that you have a back story and a plot going for you!
- But only because this is the first episode, attempt to incorporate the back story while characters interact with each other. Readers love when the main character meets/interacts with others and gain information about their past or back story along the way.
- I love where this story is headed! Although, my only concern is since you have a back story on the hierarchy and society, maybe try focusing on the main character a bit more.
- It can be slipped in when we experience the lifestyle of the main character.
- Readers are playing as the MC, so most of the time they expect to experience and relate to the MC in the story!
- Personally, I write down all of my ideas and brainstorm using Evernote or you could use any note-taking app or even write them down on paper!
- Then I map out some ideas per episode so that the length of each episode stays somewhat consistent ( the first episode should usually be longer than the rest to captivate an audience )
- You have this amazing idea and I love the theme, it’s just we need to see the MC more! ( I’m sure the plot will be forming in other episodes, but this is the first and it’s to rack up those readers! )
I hope this helped! 
There’s amazing directing and great use of overlays used! I see a lot of potential here! I will start working on Episode 2 on Monday, I can’t wait to read it! 
You can credit me by adding a readerMessage or a seperate narration for proofreading: Proofreading done by @caroline.lee
