Need advice on story so far :)

[mollieamelia]

Hey so i’m a new writer, and i’m 15 years old. I’ve just started my own story. It is gang related, i’m aware there are many of these and i’m going to try my best to make mine unique. I’ve completed episode 1 and episode 2 is half done. Would someone be able to read my episode 1 and the start of my episode 2 and give me advice? I would appreciate it a lot, the link to my story is:

The Best Stories Are Worth Sharing: Criminal Loving

Thankyou

[Invisible_Waffle]

Hey I have read episode 1 and 2 and have decided to leave some feedback!

• At the start, (when Morgan talks about how long she’s been in prison.) you could zoom in on Morgan to focus the readers attention more. (For example: @zoom on 0 0 to 100% , this can be edited on the mobile create or on a computer preview.)
• When Morgan is talking at the start, you could have different animations reacting to what she is saying to make the intro more interesting.
• You could include overlays to your story, this would be really helpful to have when her parents were shot, so it would be clearer to know what is happening. It would also be useful to use zooms at this point. You can add overlays to your story by:
  @overlay OVERLAY NAME create
  @overlay OVERLAY opacity 1 (to make it visible.)
  Or you can add it with the Background. For example:
  EXT. BRUNSWICK HOME - DAY with OVERLAY NAME

Here are some you could use and have been approved on my account:

• You could add a customisation of the main character at the start. Most people would more likely read a story where they can create their own character. There are many customisation templates on the forums.

• At some points, the characters on screen just pause without any animation for a few seconds, it slows down the story and it would be better if the animations were smooth and fit together.

• Maybe you could make how she got to Mexico a bit more realistic, because she had no money to travel and criminals are normally caught by airport security and prevented from travelling.

• Before Morgan is taken to the second bar, there should be more time to get to know Courtney and the MC herself, otherwise the story moves quite quickly. I think Morgan should know a little more about Courtney since she is living with her. (It was a bit strange that Morgan didn’t know her age until further in the story.)

• You could add a mirror reflection of Morgan to make it more realistic.

Your story is great so far! Keep up the good work!

–Invisible Waffle

[mollieamelia]

Thank you for taking time to give me advice, I appreciate it alot.

• I will make sure I add that zoom in at the beginning. Thank you.
• I will add a few more animations at the start.
• Ahhh I actually completely forgot overlays exist and your ones are really good. Are you okay with me using them?
• So I did originally add character customisation at the start, however yesterday I was rethinking it. I am aware that a lot of readers enjoy it more if there is CC included, but I decided to get rid of the CC so that I can make art scenes for the characters and things like that. I’m not sure if I have made the wrong decision though. What do you think?
• When I was reading the part I wrote about Mexico I realised it was a bit cringe. Maybe I could make it so that Courtney was in Italy and found Morgan and bought her to Mexico??
  I was planning on them getting to know each other better but I just didn’t know what types of things they could say/ ask each other.
• How would I add a mirror reflection? I have never seen that done before?

Thank you for the advice, I will improve my story later on when i’m able to write.
Also I love your username.

[Invisible_Waffle]

Thanks
Your ideas sound great!
I understand about the customisation, art scenes will look really good in your story!

Happy writing!

[mollieamelia]

Thankyouuuu!

[Sydney_H]

Moved to Share Feedback since you’re asking for story feedback. Make sure to check out our Forum Tutorial for more info about creating topics, and feel free to PM me if you’ve got questions.