Need BRUTALLY honest feedback on my story

Yo guys, i just released my new story & i’d like some brutally honest feedback on it!

To whoever’s willing to read it, (there’s only 3 chapters released for now) please include the following stuff below in your feedback :arrow_heading_down:

1. The number of episodes you felt like reading
To know if the story wasn’t good enough to spend an extra pass for the next episode etc…

2. Honest feedback and criticisms (NO sugar coating)
I’m only looking to improve, so just spit that cold hard truth to my face. I swear i won’t cry AHAHA

3. Include opinions on the plot, pacing, visuals, dialogue, ETC (whatever you feel the need to say)

4. The overall rating from 1-10
0 being the worst story you ever read, and 10 being the best story you’ve ever read)

Thank you to whoever’s down for it! i’m lookin forward to cry <3


STORY TITLE: “Finding Bartek” By Zinga

NUMBER OF EPISODES: 3

GENRE(S): Fantasy, romance, comedy, action

STORY DESCRIPTION: Violet’s car crash leads her to a hotel with a portal. Her mission? to find the owner’s missing son in a parallel universe with her infuriating crash-mate. Will they find him?

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I will read it and i will message my thoughts on your Instagram

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thanks so much! much appreciated :handshake:

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Messaged you on instagram re.C1

i don’t see the message for some reason, are you sure you got my right user? @zingaepisode

Yes

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oh there you are, i followed you!

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Accepted your follow request. Did you see my message now in Instagram?

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I will, with the caveat that I’m outside the typical demographic of the intended audience and my tastes are my own. I’ve been a professional writer in television and gaming for 15 years. I actually try not to be brutal but I am always honest.

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yes! i answered

woah, intimidating but exactly what i need HAHAH
thank you for your time!

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bump

Hi, I read through the first episode and here’s my own feedback:

After the initial disclaimers about sound and such, the very first scene seems a little slow to start with. I personally like the dialogue to begin right away, unless the camera is moving in some way. There seems to be a brief pause inbetween the dialogue as well, which comes across as “snappy” from a directing POV - though I could understand if it’s to allow the animations to finish. The sudden jump to CC seems a bit random for the scene itself. The camera suddenly changes angle when moved back to the character Violet after she tells Maggie to chill, resulting in showing that she’s actually stood up in the car, rather than sat. There’s some grammar issues immediately following this. Violet says, “How many times do i have to tell you to chill? it’s alright!” - I’m sure this might not bother most people, but if you want the story to come across as well written, good grammar is essential, though it doesn’t have to be 100% perfect in saying that. When the jumpscare occurs with the needing to turn towards the airport, the reaction from Violet seems a little delayed. After Violet says goodbye to Maggie and is back in the car, she’s sat with her arms crossed, which may seem a little strange for the reader as she’s supposedly driving. Again, not a big deal, but something to think about. To indicate time has passed on the drive, you used a fade transition. I would personally use an iris transition, to indicate this better. As Violet crashes her car and steps out to check on the other driver, we see him turn and the choice of CC is instant - which is fine. However, he stands with a neutral expression and when the CC is finished, his expression immediately switches to anger. Perhaps the expression during CC should also showcase his emotions, rather than the sudden and sharp switch. After the other driver mentions about contacting the police, the sudden change of scene where officers are on the scene comes across as quite random, there’s no transition, as if they just teleported to the crash site. The phone call scene in which Violet is talking with her mother, the overlay cuts in at a rapid speed, rather than smoothly. It caught me off guard, lol! After Violet’s taxi(?) ride, the scene shows her seemingly waving the driver away, but there’s no visual of the car pulling away or sound, so it looks like she might be randomly waving. Not necessarily a problem as such, but for fast readers like myself, it would be better to have some sort of confirmation that she is indeed waving the driver away. Once at the motel and talking with the lady at the front desk, Violet wonders why the woman keeps calling her “kochanie” and seems to assume it’s Polish. However, you’ve written it as “polish”. If you’d like to have the reader understand the difference, it’s best to write the word correctly. Polish = someone from Poland, whereas polish = nail, furniture, car, etc. Once Violet receives her room key and walks away from the scene, the pause where the lady at the front desk is watching Violet walk away is quite long. Once Violet enters her room, she walks down facing right, then suddenly switches to left and continues walking over to the bed. It comes across as odd that she walks towards the right, then rapidly switches towards the left. When Violet arrives for dinner, she walks around and then the camera seems to randomly focus on the lower part of her body, before cutting right back to the top half - I’m unsure if this was intentional, or supposed to be a smooth transition, but it was rather random.

For the nicer part of my feedback:

I enjoyed the directing for the most part, especially as Violet arrives at the motel. The camera work here is quite smooth, as well as the panning to show the motel from her POV. The script itself is written well, I enjoy the elements of comedy and reference Easter eggs, if I’m assuming that correctly. (The argument after the crash in which Samuel asks Violet “could you BE (rest of dialogue)” reminded me of Chandler Bing from FRIENDS). The music and sounds are great, they suit most of the scenes well. The length of the first episode is quite long in comparison to other stories I’ve read, but I actually enjoy that. I very much like the plot twist by the end of the story, though I will say it seemed quite rushed.

My opinion on some major fixes that would improve the first episode greatly:

**The grammar isn’t the greatest. This is a story written by an author, yet I found elements of “text” talk. An example being when you used “tho” rather than “though”.

Random camera cuts. You have directed some smooth panning here and there, but then when the camera suddenly cuts rather abruptly, it feels as if that particular part was rushed.

Transitions are meant to be smooth, as well as indicate certain things. The iris transition indicates that time has passed and a fade out indicates that the scene has “finished”. The transitions used seemed quite random and didn’t give me an idea of what was “next”. I’m quite literal, though.**

Overall:

I’m sure my initial feedback comes across as nitpicking. However, a story to me should have great directing, creative writing and the ability to keep me immersed. The first episode succeeded in making me interested to read the next, but if the fixes I’ve listed above were implemented, I would be strongly encouraged to add your story to my Favourites. Keep up the good work!

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