Need feedback on story!

Ok. So, I just finished episode one! And, I’m already hooked! When I do reviews, I give feedback on each episode! So, if you want me to do all three, feel free to ask! I do have a few example photos. Here are my takeaways…

Speech bubbles

Okay, I did notice that some of your speech bubbles were kind set off. What I mean is that they were too far away from the character. Here is an example of that,

Making the speechbubbles closer to the character, can make your story more enjoyable!

GRAMMAR
Another thing I noticed in your story was some minor grammar issues.

They weren’t major, but make to use correct capitalization!

OVERLAYS

So, your overlay directing is perfect! But, there’s no one in the ambulance. Maybe you could add a character to look like their driving the ambulance car, just to make it more believable. Another suggestion I have is, to skip straight to the hospital scene, this option is a little more easier to code!

ANIMATIONS

In your story, you used dialogue between your characters. But, after one character stopped talking they were still doing their previous talking animation.

So, the mom is an example of that. To make your dialogue a little better, here’s what you should do

MOM (talk_awkward_scratch_loop)
It’s not what it looks like.

@MOM starts idle_sad_loop

YOUNG ADRIAN (talk_worried_loop)
What’s going on?

@YOUNG ADRIAN starts idle_armscrossed_sad_loop

Something like that. This way readers can focus more on the dialogue instead of the other character doing their previous animation! Another thing I noticed was, that your characters were “frozen” doing narration. What I mean is, while Flo was describing people, or a flashback, the character did no animation. Here’s an example;

So, maybe you could add grandpa playing with Flo, during narration. So an example would look like:

@FLORENCE starts idle_tinker_kneel_loop

NARR (FLORENCE)
He wasn’t stingy at all.

@GRANDPA starts laugh_chuckle

This will also give the reader a better image of what happened during those flashbacks!

INTRO

So, I didn’t really know, if this was part of your intro, or not. Maybe add this first. So, you could add this first, then go to your warning background, then to the next scenes with Flo. This will make your story a little more clear! That way your readers don’t get confused on what’s going on.

INTRODUCING CHARACTERS

I think how you introduced your character’s was great, but I think you should add a little more to episode one. So maybe, when you introduce your characters, show them in a background that describes: their interests, hobbies, personalities, and traits. An example would be;

INT. SHOPPING MALL - DAY

@CHARACTER 1 stands screen left AND CHARACTER 1 faces right

@CHARACTER 1 starts talk_armscrossed_angry_loop

@CHARACTER 2 stands screen center AND CHARACTER 2 faces left

@CHARACTER 2 starts idle_cry_sniff_sad_loop

@transition fade in black 1

NARR (CHARACTER 3)
Character 1, always had a snobbish personality–

@CHARACTER 1 starts shove_angry_give

@CHARACTER 2 starts fall

NARR (CHARACTER 3)
–and, she was the biggest bully ever!

@CHARACTER 1 starts laugh_chuckle

You don’t have to add this, but I just think it would go really good in your story!

These are all my takeaways from episode one! Your directing is really good, you just have a few little bumps in the way. :slightly_smiling_face: I’m so excited to read the rest of your story!

Happy Writing! :blue_heart:

1 Like

You cannot imagine how this was helpful and how thankful i am.
I will definitely correct my mistakes :heart:
Thank you

And i know there are some grammar mistakes because English is not my first language.
So what do you recommend me to do?

No problem!

And, you’re a writer their not mistakes just happy accidents! Asking for help is very beneficial, both for you, and your story! I’m very excited to see you grow as a writer!

If you have any more questions feel free to ask!

1 Like

I really can’t thank you enough! :heart:

Ok. So there’s this app called “Grammarly”, I believe is the name of it.

Maybe try writing your script on there, and it’ll show you all your grammar mistakes. You’re going to have a lot because of coding.

Then copy and paste your “grammar free” script onto Episode.

There some videos on YouTube on how to install and use it!

I hope this helps. I’ll try and look for more ways, that can help you!

:blue_heart:

1 Like

I did a little research, and using an English Grammar App, can probably help.

English is my first language, so I don’t know how these will work for you. If they don’t, then I’ll see if I can find more.

1 Like

I will definitely try this app.
Thanks again.

No problem. I should’ve been a little more clear. I wasn’t referring to an actual app. Just one that is used to help people learn English grammar. Sorry, I should’ve made that a little more clear.

1 Like

Sorry, my bad.
I will do my best to make a good story and of course you helped me a lot.
Thank you :heart_eyes:

But what do you think of the story progress?

I think your story progress is going great. I think the better you get with directing, grammar, and adding small details, the better your progress will be. I do also think, you’re going in the right direction with your story, but you just have a little more learning to do. Once you really get used to Advanced Directing the better your story will become. Also, the more you learn, you’ll have a better chance of adding a strong plot to your story. And, making readers want to come back after episode one!

:blue_heart:

1 Like

Hi @Sollyra, I just created a thread! I think it’d be a great way for me to really help you! Here’s the link.

1 Like

Thank you for giving my story a try!

I will read your story soon!

1 Like

Your welcome! If you want feedback or advice, here’s the link to my thread! Need Feedback & Advice On Your Story?

2 Likes

Thanks!

1 Like

This topic was automatically closed 30 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.