Need Opinions on My Story

Hi guys, I’ve just finished writing the first episode on my first story, and I would really like some feedback on it so that I know how to improve it !
I would really appreciate it if you guys read the episode and then messaged me here to tell me what you think about it, and what I can do to improve.
Link :

Author name :@Naomi
I also don’ t mind reading other people’s stories and doing the same for them, just leave the link down below

Thanks :blush:

Sorry , author name is @Naomi A

Unfortunately my access to stories that haven’t yet be published isn’t working, i cannot access it .
If this changes and it’s fixed I would surely be honored to read it :frowning: sorry :sparkling_heart:

It’s ok, thanks for trying!

1 Like

I’ll try reading it a bit later because at the minute I’m on a computer.

Ok thanks :pray:

Hi here is my feedback

So I have read your first chapter.
I will list below things which in my opinion might get some improvement.

But first general opinon.

First of all your writing was smooth and the dialoges felt real to me. But the first episode was extremely short - it should be minimally 10 ,minutes of reading time and I was done with it in 5 minutes - this will piss of many readers and make them to not want to read on so if I should recommend you only one thing then it would be to make the story longer.

I liked that you did the friends character so they have unique personality and I also liked the hint of MC bad past.

How ever I would as reader like to see more scenes with MC to more get feeling what is her personality like…I mean I know he had some problem in past but I cant tell what is her personality, because the scenes didn’t allow me to see it…if you would make some scenes bit longer and add dialogue it will help me to get more connection to MC - like for example you can make her have some small talk with the parents or the new friends.

Your directing was average, not big mistakes the few I noticed are mentioned below-

Here are things I noticed when I was reading it:

Good is you add CC not so good that you use avatar cc which is for loooong time not updated and is missing all the new features like all the new hairs etc…

Also when I am done with CC it again tells me it is MC…

You are not using idle animation for the character who is not speaking so he is either frozen at the end of animation or is still moving lips even the other person is talking. While in another place you used nontalking animation when the character is talking - so I would recommend you to revise this.

Your choices seem to not be connected - I took the choice to not let the girls walk me to the class but after the clas they ask me if I still wanna come to lunch with them when I actually never had a chance to talk with them about it…

Your walking animations are sometimes a bit strange like the girls walking backwards to the food ar MC more like teleporting herself to the girls instead of walking rear to them (when she first meets them)

Hi, thanks for your input, this will be really helpful to me so that I can improve my story further. I have dealt with most of the issues, but I will work on the customisation one right away! :blush:

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