Need part of episode reviewed. (Again)


#1

I am writing a story about a girl named Amy. Amy struggles with her self image as she is heavier. She turns to Ana and develops the eating disorder Anorexia. I am writing this story to raise awareness for people who suffer with Anorexia. I changed up my story a bit to get people’s attention at the beginning can someone read the improved version and tell me what they think. Please know that the first episode is not complete this is just a glimpse into the future to get the reader’s attention.

http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6001217102544896


#2

I read it and so far it’s interesting. It’s a little lackluster to me but I can see the potential. I feel it’s missing some action.

Instead of the characters sliding across the page you can have them walk to different spots.
Ex) @CHARACTER walks to screen center in zone 3
Or
@CHARACTER walks to spot (insert spot locations here)


#3

Alright thanks I think I know what I can do to fix that problem.


#4

I forgot to mention if you want them to go somewhere while doing an action use this.
Idk how to explain it well.
Ex) If you want a character enter a room while running

@CHARACTER enters from left to screen left AND CHARACTER does it while (running/ any action)


#5

Thank you so much I was really struggling on that


#6

Hi! You could see my previous review and if you like it I can read and make another one for your story too :blush:


#7

you were really descriptive and I want to get as many reviews from as many different people that I can if you would review mine so far that would be great


#8

I hope it is okay if you could maybe provide some feedback on my story too please? Your feedback on here is very thorough (sorry for bothering you :sparkling_heart:)


#9

Also, I can provide thoughts on your first episode!!


#10

Hey :slightly_smiling_face:
I really love your idea about anorexia. You definately should continue this story into something more and than publish it.
Also I like that you give attention to Amy’s thoughts. It’s very important.
Why doesn’t she wear shoes? Maybe you forgot to add them, but she went to school barefoot.
I think you should write more scenes with Amy and her mother. For example; They’re having dinner and mom yells at her “Stop eating! You’re fat enough!” - Something like that, I guess.
I like your story very much.
Keep writing :blush: And if you want I could help you anytime :wink:

Best wishes,
More readers.

Darianna :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:


#11

That would be great


#12

Thank you so much


#13

I changed up my story a bit to get people’s attention at the beginning can someone read the improved version and tell me what they think. Please know that the first episode is not complete this is just a glimpse into the future to get the reader’s attention.


#14

@Sydney_H could you close this thread?


#15

#16

Topic closed by OP request. :wink: