Hey everyone !
I’m a french Author, who after years of reading, decided to start creating.
I just discovered this “community” thing, so I’m publishing everywhere to get some opinions, since the people who read my story don’t let comments. I don’t know if the story itself is good, or clear enough !
Synopsis : Jane, a young beautiful assassin, involved with Mafia, is finally about getting revenge for her fathers death. But things get complicated, when she realizes that the truth is maybe not exactly what she thought.
This story is about Vengeance, true friendship, and maybe love…?
There are something you need to change ASAP before getting more views.
You let the reader choose their MC’s name, but then we can only see “FIRSTNAME” and not the name we choose. And that kind of bothered me.
It’s nothing serious, but when we get to customize MC’s brother, we can’t really see through the mask. You could maybe remove it during the CC? (and tell people that it’s going to be brother, because I thought it was a potiential love interest and made him hot as hell, but nothing like the sister haha).
Episode 2: We can’t see her mom, when MC get’s into living room.
The scene with the crime scene and reporter : Well done, I liked it.
You forgot to “@reset zoom” after that scene, so until MC goes to the Headmistress’s office, we can’t see a thing lol.
Now about the story itself :
If it’s going to be a story about a bodyguard and love : I like it. But you should take you time, to explain a few things.
I mean, I didn’t understand everything well : episode 2 is one year after episode 1?
It’s hard to do, I know, because when you write a story, YOU know what’s going on, and why, because you create. So sometimes we authors could forget that unless we explain, the readers won’t understand.
The MC’s name appears as it should? I’ve had someone do screenshots with their personal name. The mask is explained through the story, but should I say brother or leave it? So you can memorize the name? Cause there might even be a scene where I switch POV.
For me it’s written “FIRSTNAME”.
Even in the dialogue, when Jasmine mentions her, it’s always “FIRSTNAME” and not “Joséphine” (the name I chose).
I didn’t understand, memorize which name?
What I meant about the brother, is that when he gets in the room, it’s the first time we see him. So we don’t know that it’s going to be her brother. If you say that, before the CC, people can make him look like their MC.
Honestly, this is a really good story. The spot directing runs smoothly and I’m intrigued by the overall plot of your MC being a badass, but not everything is centered around her. As in she’ll go through some crap, not it won’t matter because it won’t be a difficult choice for her. And it’s crazy because I first thought this would be a female gets kidnapped by the mafia story.
What I suggest you improve on, is your grammar. It puts me off a bit when your sentences are missing periods, commas or even awkward spacing, but I’ve added your story to my collection because of the personal Gang, Badass heroine concept in my taste. Great work