Ok so where to begin, right well, I am up to chapter 6, yay! However, there are too many flaws, but the issue is I have to wait until all my stuff is reviewed and approved, so it is like I have potholes in my story and I am worried if I let someone take a ride through my story they will fall over (for people who want to proofread my story). Chapter 1 is the only chapter I think is fine however because I have gone on further I cant share my story, the link thingy.
What do i do, I want people to see Chapter 1 so they can tell me I have the spot directing on point, my zooms aren’t all over the place and of course that the story is ok.
hiiii! here’s your review! i’m sorry it took so long!
also, I know that you said that there were gaps and stuff, but I kinda just commented on everything that I noticed! also, please note IM NOT BEING MEAN this is just my honest opinion on your story! please don’t take it personally! I just want to help everyone get better as a writer!
Episode 1
aaaaaaaaaa I love limelight!!! this is gonna be funnn
authors introductions. they’re a no. authors intors and outros take away from the story in my opinion. many writers and readers don’t like them. they take away from the “im watching a movie” feel of the story. also, it makes it hard to get invested into the story. so please, remove it.
don’t add dialogue to non-speaking animations. like the flirt_blush animation. don’t add dialogue to a character unless their mouth is moving. it’s unrealistic.
why are the speechbubbles to far low from their faces during the call scene? could you raise them a bit higher?
episode writer grammar lesson 101: don’t mess up. clearly i’m kidding. I succ at English and it’s my native language I personally don’t care about grammar in stories. it doesn’t bother me. but some people have hella problems with bad grammar. so just be sure you have periods where they need to go, and commas where they need to be. mostly, just make sure you’re using the correct punctuation.
who is this girl in relation to the MC? did you say it? did I miss it? if you didn’t say it could you make It a bit more clear in their dialogue on the phone. like she could be like “hey sis what’s up” (if it’s her sister) or whatever. ya know?
when the filter comes on, be sure to put the "in 0" command at the end of the filter line so it doesn’t fade in like that. unless you want it to, which is fine! it’s just a preference! (same thing when coming out of the filter at the end of the flashback scene)
woah… that’s it? why did it end so abruptly? could you add like a ending splash, or a fade out, or something to let us know that this is the end?
Overall Thoughts
Okay!!! Hi!
You’re off to a good start! I can kinda sense where you’re going with the story and you’re off to a good start! it was just very very short… like not much happened… we know nothing about the mc except that she had a crummy ex, and her friend/sister is preggos. I don’t think that you should start the story with the mc seeing the tv ad, or with her calling in and asking to be apart of the cupid thing. I think that there should be some build up to this. because this is essentially what the plot is being based around. so maybe you could start with her at work or at her friend/sisters house or she could be at a club or whatever. idk. I don’t want to write your story for you, but there needs to be more of a build up to that scene, because that’s what the story is about to be based around essentially. on a more positive note, i’m glad that you didn’t use narration!!! I see so many people do that, and it’s just not… I don’t want to say that it’s bad but… it’s bad. so i’m glad that you didn’t! also, you’re pretty good at directing! if this is your first story, this was some VERY good directing for a first! i’m impressed especially with your spot directing, and directing overall! and the tv layer was great!! I guess overall, you should just add more personality to your characters, and give more of a buildup to the advert scene. ya know? also, make the episode longer, or add an outro of some sort. because the way it ended was very abrupt and out of nowhere. I hope this helped you, and i’d love to read your story when it’s fully released! thanks for letting me do this!
also, if you enjoyed this review then you should totally check out my story! i’d love to hear your feedback! even if you didn’t enjoy this review, or you hate me now, you can check out my story and tell me everything that i’m doing wrong i’d love to hear that as well! i genuinley would really appreciate hearing your feedback! thank you much!
My Story
Title: Mystery on Hanging Hill Lane Author: Marshmallow O. Genre: Mystery, Romance, Comedy Summary: It’s a race against time as you and your friends try to escape the mysterious sleepover that you were invited to… Read to uncover the Mystery on Hanging Hill Lane. Chapters: 4 (More to come) Style: Limelight
