Nelida's Children's Book about Free Speech

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So I’d gotten a call and an opportunity to write and publish a children’s book, which OF COURSE I’m totally going to try to do. Thought I could ask for some opinions and hopefully some help because HOW DO I WORD THESE THINGS BETTER!? I tried really hard to make this as child-friendly as possible, like…maybe 4-10??? I dunno if that’s a real range LOL, but yeah.

So the story is about FREE SPEECH! Very simplistic, though. The moral is that: “You don’t have to like the opinion/reason for it to be valid.” I’m not sure how else to word it and this story also doesn’t have a title or any illustrations yet. However, it is fully (I think) written. Unless someone points out I could maybe add something to it or possibly even omit something?

Anyways, this is the story:

In a very beautiful town, in a very lovely
home, a happy family lived. This family
had a mom, dad, son and daughter.

The boy’s name was Aaron. He loved
spending time with his sister, Shiran, as
well as playing games with her.

Shiran’s favorite games were about fast
racecars and Aaron’s favorite games
were about long, heroic journies.

Mom and Dad let the chilren play, but
not for too long. Games are fun, but
there should be time for other activities,
too.

Aaron and Shiran also liked to play on
the swings and the jungle gym outside!
It feels good to play in the sunlight!

When the weekend was over, it was time
for the children to go to school, just like
all of you!

School could sometimes be tough, but
Mom and Dad assured their children,
“Work hard in school and you start a
path to success.”

And so, Aaron and Shiran worked hard
in school per their parents’ advice.
Aaron and Shiran also made friends.

Friends are great to have! You always
know you can count on true friends to
be there for you!

Aaron asked one of his friends, “Would
you like to come over to my house and
play video games with me?”

“Video games? No way!” Aaron could
not believe his ears!

Confused, Aaron asked his friend, “What’s
wrong with video games?”

“Video games aren’t cool! Video games
are weird. People who play video games
are lazy!”

Aaron didn’t like this, not at all! “I’m not
lazy! I play video games because they’re
fun! But I play outside, too!” His friend
turned away.

“I don’t want to be friends with a lazy
kid.” And Aaron’s friend walked away.

Aaron was not sad. Aaron was angry.
He was supposed to be able to count on
his friends! And he just walked away!

Aaron talked to Dad when he came home.
“I got into a fight with my friend today.”
Aaron told Dad the whole story.

After this, I’m thinking of a page of just illustration where he goes to bed, no words or anything, just a sleepy baby X’DD and that serves as a transition

The next day, Aaron met his old friend
again. He wanted to avoid him, but it
was not easy.

His friend said to him, “I am sorry for
what I said to you before.”

Aaron was confused. “I didn’t mean to
be mean to you. I just don’t like video
games. But I still want to be friends.”

“How can we be friends if you don’t
like the same things I do?”

“We don’t have to like the same things
to be friends! You like playing outside.
Let’s do that!” Aaron forgave his friend.

He realized that his friend’s opinion
was just as valid as his own. Aaron did
not like what his friend said at first.
However, Aaron does not have to like
his friend’s opinion for it to be valid.

He looked passed their differences
on the surface and looked deeper.

The differences in thought was what
was most important, for this is what
made each child truly unique.

Tags

Roast me, guys. (Also, just FYI, I tagged you because you guys do reviews or review type things and because I feel like this most likely won’t irritate you because we’re friends, right? X’DDDD if I was wrong, I’M SORRY! <3 <3 <3)

@fcukforcookies
@amberose
@Mehasels (I know I sent you a discord, but yeah ^^’)
@JemU776
@Cheyara_Skadi

12 Likes
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That’s a nice story. Congratulations and I hope you do well.

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Thank you ^^ <3

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You’re welcome :blush:

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Dear god, it’s too early for this. Lemme wake up properly :joy:

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Literally just woke up so forgive the lack if sense this might make (just a warning in case) I can translate my sleepy waffle later if needed.

So generally good layout however I think you missed a trick in writing it as Aaron rather than a Narrator it would flow better plus you can add a bit more detail as it seems a touch stiff in places.

“Per their parents advice” not really a childproof line, perhaps — " “just like their parents told them” keeping it to simple words for a lower age range if you’re targeting 4 year olds in there.

It’s been a while since I last wrote a children’s book but it was quite fun to do, you want to make it fun, but informative.

I wouldn’t use the sleep frame as a transition just there, without something to ease into it, otherwise placement is a little off, have something where he then puts him to bed maybe have his father give him a few words of wisdom before bed, then use it.
Again if this was done from Aaron’s view you could have a little more dialogue where he tells his dad that what his friend said upset him.

Remember you still want to engage the child so don’t delve too deep, or drag it out, but still give them information and life lessons, whilst making it engaging and enjoying.
Call on real life inspiration, maybe mention what his favourite video game is like, no names obviously but maybe he can invite his friend to play his new game, it does … etc (I know nothing if video games so can’t help with that line much but it just adds a little extra.

Anyway overall parts could use a tweak, I’d change writing view point, but the general story is a good layout :slightly_smiling_face:
Let me know if you want a hand with anything else.

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I’m going to respond properly to you soon. Thanks so much! Not on laptop. Phone is dumb

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I FEEL LIKE I HAVE SO MANY OF THESE! lol

I originally wanted the friend to come to Aaron and apologize, I feel like adding words of wisdom might make that strange story-wise. Though, I’m thinking…now that you’ve said it, too, I should try maybe changing the ending up a little bit, like HOW it happens.

I don’t know how else to write “if you don’t like his opinion, that doesn’t mean it is not a valid opinion” and not being too deep about it X’DD I tried to make this as simple as possible and I still feel like it is wrong. Could be better here.

You mean it should be in first person? “My name is Aaron.” Kinda deal instead of “This is Aaron.”?

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Yeah first person. I couldn’t think what it was called (morning brain!)

So you could start it that way and then have him beginning like… “My name is Aaron and I’m * years old, I live with my mom and my dad and have a little sister called…”
Etc… May be add small illustrations throughout the story like ones that can be added to the page rather than art scene vibes ones. So have say a small picture of a house there with the four of them, a video game controller or something later etc and just like small illustrations throughout.

As for the father part, it doesn’t have to be about the opinions or main part of the story, it can be something else meaningful for example something like… “sometimes in life friends will fall out, but true friendships last,” something simple that a father would naturally say to comfort his child.

I would change that to a more child friendly term… Ermmm “if you don’t think the same as him, it’s okay, you can think different things. Both of your thoughts make up opinions and everyone’s opinions matter the same.”

I’m typing this on my phone so sorry if I’ve missed anything. I don’t mind giving you a hand in any of this if you want love :grinning:

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Oh nah nah nah, it’s very helpful, thank you so much <3 <3 <3 Typing on a phone sucks, I know T.T I avoid it when I can LOL

Yeah, this is one of the hardest parts, I think LOLOLOLOL I’mma change it some, then and see where it goes.

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It can be hard when you’re used to writing for adults. But just think of alternate words for words and choose the simpler ones. Without making it too basic. If you really want to use a word that is harder for kids put it in a sentence that gives them more of an idea of what it means :slightly_smiling_face:
My offer always stands. Glad I could help

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HIS FRIEND IS SO IN THE WRONG, PLAYING VIDEOGAMES DOES NOT MAKE ONE LAZY…wait what am I doing? I’m arguing with someone who’s much younger than me :joy:

Anyways, I enjoyed, if I was a kid, I’d totally understand this but then again, I’d read a lot when I was a child and think a lot as well :smile:

Also congrats, you’re getting an opportunity to write and publish a children’s book, which is awesome and LUCKY! I wish you good luck :kissing_cat:

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Thank you so much <3 <3 <3 Also same. LOL

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@Cheyara_Skadi, how’s this? In first person, and some tweaks, thinking of adding another passage in between 18-19, but not sure yet ^^’ Also, I think I made this …95% child friendly ^^’ Still not sure about some things, and I wanted to add something else to the end, but I don’t know how to word it. I wonder if it is actually fine like this. I know we should under estimate our readers, so >.>

My name is Aaron! I live in my home
with Mom, Dad, and my older sister,
Shiran.
One of my most favorite things to do is
to play video games with Shiran.
Shiran’s favorite games are about fast
racecars and my favorite games are
about long, heroic journies.
Mom and Dad let us play inside, but
not for too long. Games are fun, but
they say there should be time for
outdoor activities, too.
Shiran and I also like to play on the
swings and the jungle gym outside!
It feels good to play in the sunlight!
When the weekend is over, it is time
for all the kids of the neighborhood
to go to school, just like all of you!
School could sometimes be tough, but
Mom and Dad say to Shiran and I,
“Work hard in school and you start a
path to success.”
So we worked hard just like they have
told us to do!
I also have friends. Friends are great to
have! You always know you can count
on true friends to be there for you!
Today, I ask one of my friends, “Would
you like to come over to my house and
play video games with me?”
“Video games? No way!” I cannot believe
my ears!
Confused, I ask my friend, “What’s wrong
with video games?”
“Video games aren’t cool! Video games
are weird. People who play video games
are lazy!”
I don’t like this, not at all! “I’m not
lazy! I play video games because they’re
fun! But I play outside, too!” This really
hurt my feelings.
“I don’t want to be friends with a lazy
kid.” And my friend walks away.
I am not sad, but angry. I thought I was
able count on my friends! And he just
walked away!
When I go home later that day, I tell Dad
the whole story. “I got into a fight with
my friend today…”
After dinner, my teeth brushed, Dad takes
me to bed. He gives me words of comfort
to help me sleep.
“Sometimes, friends don’t last forever.
The important thing is that you always
be yourself, no matter what.”
The next day, I see my old friend again.
I wished to avoid him, but it is not easy.
My friend tells me, “I am sorry for what
I said to you before.” Now I am confused.
“I didn’t mean to be mean to you. I just
don’t like video games. But I still want
to be friends.”
“How can we be friends if you don’t
like the same things I do?”
“We don’t have to like the same things
to be friends! You like playing outside.
Let’s do that!” I forgive my friend.
I realize that this is just how my friend
feels. I didn’t like what he said at first.
However, I don’t have to agree or like
his opinion. After all, my friend doesn’t
agree with my own opinion, and he still
wants to be my friend!
The differences in how we feel, being
true to that, and still being friends is a
far happier way to live!

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Right I can’t go through it all at the moment, but it seems a bit stiff, robotic in places… like a line of speech followed by i feel… then next bit. I don’t know how short it has to be. But there’s connections missing. I tend to think that stories unless playing out in front of you, make more sense written in past tense. But that might just be me. I think it an flow better, but if you want to keep it in present tense you need to make it a bit smoother.
(Plus make a name for his friend, he’s a character, he needs a name)

First line should be “I live at home” by the way :smiley:
The way you’ve pasted it here in that line layout, is that how you were going to write it?

1 Like
17

Nah, the line will change, it is just right now like that to fit on the pages I originally wrote them on. They may not even be sectioned like that. ^^’

Never written a simplistic story before ^^ My style is epic X’DDDD

Thanks so much, fam, <3 appreciate you <3 <3

1 Like
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It’s a shame not all of that is a valid opinion, though! Video games aren’t just for lazy people, so implying they are is wrong. That’s not an opinion. It’s a cute story, though. I wish all issues were that simple.

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Well, of course I don’t think video games are for lazy people, and a lot of people probably don’t X’DD

However, it is an opinion that many people have like, “Just sitting in front of the computer all day playing video games…that’s just lazy.” Many people see it that way. My entire family thinks it is lazy to play video games.

I love them, though so

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But not all people who like video games do sit in front of the screen all day. Many play for an hour or two at a time! That’s why it’s just factually incorrect that video games are for lazy people, so not an opinion!

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LOL, I don’t think video games are for lazy people. Aaron likes playing outside, too. ^^ Of course…I don’t even think most people who play games do it all day, I mean, dude’s gotta live.

His friend just thinks that lazy people play video games…

X’D What are you doing? X"DDDDD