New Story Gangs of East! Feedback and Comments

This is my first story! Thanks for any help or positive messages you can provide!

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Would you like to do a r4r?

1 Like

Sounds good to me!

That’s the link for my story do you have the link for yours as that link on your post just takes you to the episode app :blush:

Moved to Promote Your Story since you’re doing R4Rs. Make sure to check out our Forum Tutorial for more info about where to correctly create topics, and feel to PM me if there are any questions. :wink:

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Looks interesting. I’d love to do a r4r with you if you would like :heart:
Story: Sorry, Wrong Number
Genre: Thriller
Summary: “And that’s how we’ll get rid of the body. Sorry, wrong number.”
When a text is sent to the wrong person, it leads to a race against time to prevent a murder. TEXT BASED
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5933958626344960

Episode 1

So far so good. There are a few directing errors and grammar mistakes. I tried to refrain from changing the language, as it’s set in a different time frame. I feel like it moves quite fast. Using show, not tell, you can develop the relationship between your characters some more.

CC

OPHELIA walks in. Then, OPHELIA slides in doing a thinking animation. Then, OPHELIA is idle.
Instead, have her walk in and then do the animation.

NARR
This is your main love interest

This is your main love interest.
Add a full stop.

The LI walks in. Then, the LI slides in doing a thinking animation. Then, the LI is idle.
Instead, have him walk in and then do the animation.

OPHELIA and WINFRED

OPHELIA appears into the scene. Spot/place her before the narration or have her walk on screen.

OPHELIA
I look like a candy lolli from the shop, Mother!
Assuming you meant lolly, candy and lolly are the same thing. Unless, that is the name of the sweet.

WINFRED
Good heavens girl!

Good heavens, girl!
Comma

WINFRED
We are here to work! Not entertain a brothel.

Even though it makes sense, grammatically it’s incorrect.

OPHELIA
Mother it is hot!

Mother, it is hot!
Comma

The music starts half way into the scene.

choice
Get Angry

WINFRED
Lord please forgive her, for she does not know her wrongdoings

Add a full stop.

BUTLER SMITH and NICOLAS BLACKWELL

BUTLER SMITH
Mr. Blackwell, the help has arrived

Full stop.

NICOLAS
Finally! I hope she is not like that miserable old hag from last time.

Finally! I hope she is not like that miserable, old hag from last time.

WINFRED
Please to meet your acquaintance Mister Blackwell

Pleased to make your acquaintance, Mister Blackwell.

choice
Bow

OPHELIA
Greetings, Mister Blackwell

Full stop.

NICOLAS
Wow, she is no old hag
In face, she is quite ravishing

Full stop.

NICOLAS
Oh right well, Mrs Bennett you shall be out cook correct?
And you Miss Ophelia shall clean hmm? Very well

Oh right, well, Mrs Bennett, you shall be out cook, correct?
And you, Miss Ophelia, shall clean, hmm? Very well.

They all walk off one at a time. It would be more realistic to walk off simultaneously.

NICOLAS and SPENCER

It seems like you’ve used sound rather than music, or ended the music early - halfway into the scene.

NICOLAS
You are not required to call me boss

Fullstop

SPENCER
Hey, Fopdoodle

Full stop.

NICOLAS
As you asked, the help seems perfectly capable.

Full stop.

NICOLAR
Well, not a lady. The lady’s daughter

Full stop.

NICOLAS
I do not mean to be burdensome
I cannot control what the heart desires

Full stop.

SPENCER
You know that did not end as intended
I must take leave. I need to prepare our next move

Full stop.

NICOLAS
He is right. I cannot let some harlot get in the way of my business

Full stop.

OPHELIA and NICOLAS

Choice Know on the door
OPHELIA knows on the door; however, NICOLAS appears from the right rather than the door.

OPHELIA
No Mr. Blackwell, sir. I was just polishing the door handles

No, Mr. Blackwell, sir. I was just polishing the door handles.

NICOLAS
Very well maiden girl, I shall keep my eye on you regardless

Very well, maiden girl, I shall keep my eye on you regardless.

OPHELIA
I am being absurd
A man with eyes, cold like his, does not love!

Full stop.
She is speaking aloud, to who? Herself?
Use a taking animation if this was intentional.

OPHELIA and NATALIE

Outfit choice - you can see long sleeve tops under coats/jackets.

OPHELIA
A lady does not judge a soul she does not know
He has been nothing but kind to me

Full stop.

NATALIE
Ophelia Caroline Bennett I know that gaze

Ophelia Caroline Bennett, I know that gaze.

OPHELIA
Oh Natalie, my best pal, you are quite a laugh.
NATALIE
Ophelia.
OPHELIA
His muscles are so captivating
NATALIE
Alright, snap out of it
OPHELIA
Oh yes, let us continue out walk

Full Stop.

OPHELIA, NATALIE and NICOLAS

NATALIE
Oh goodness, speak of the devil.
OPHELIA
What should I do?
NICOLAS
Are you ladies aware that I can hear you?

Punctuation

NICOLAS jumps to the next spot rather than getting up and walking.

NICOLAS
Hell, Ophelia’s friend
Allow me to introduce myself
I am Nicolas Blackwell
NATALIE
Lovely meeting you, sir, but I must be off!

Punctuation.

NATALIA walks off, getting larger as she exits. Spot her exit instead.

OPHELIA and NICOLAS

NICOLAS
Hello, Ophelia.
OPHELIA
Mr. Blackwell.
A lady must always guard her heart, sir.

OPHELIA walks off, getting larger as she exits. Spot her exit instead.

NICOLAS
Yet, I feel sunshine when I see her.

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