Hello everyone. I’m Jaz, and I’m a new author on Episode. I wasnt really sure if I could be good enough to post my first few episodes so some feedback would be great. What am I doing wrong, should I add or remove, corrections, anything please. I’m all ears. Also add me insta @epy_jaz
if it is not published you need to add a link to find it
It is published. Only 3 episodes.
first look. no cover. no intro. and curse word in the first sentence. breaking the fourth wall. most people dont like that. it got the same cliche as every other story. like the blond mean girl. mc´s life sucks. it was very short. and had no choices. another thing most readers dont like. also no cc. i dont care about that myself. but trust me a lot do
it is long from the worst I have read. of a first story, you did a good job.
Thank you for the feedback. Im new and still figuring out the art and covers and such. I dont think this story will be will have cc at all but I will be adding clothes choices in future episodes. I have big plans for future episodes just wanted to make sure i was on the right track. Please keep reading, it will get better the more I learn.
Here is this link to Growing Pains, please check it out
I can take a look!!
That would be greatly appreciated. Please let me know what you think.
I would like to suggest a few things.
For starters you should add a splash.
“The story contains mature themes and strong languages.”
- I think you should probably play around with transitions, that way it doesn’t make everything look jumpy.
- Also if you aren’t adding CC. you should probably put it in the description or at the start of the story.
- You should also find a cover art, people are less likely to click it if it doesn’t have one.
- You might want to make an intro also.
Thank you so much for taking the time to view my story. I really appreciate it.
I’m trying to learn transitions and better zooms so I’ll start trying to add them in.
Would you have any intro suggestions if I can ask? Based of off what was already read… Love to hear some.
Thank you again
i know some people do animated intros.
i simply use a cover that i created with the episode number, season number and episode title alongside a picture of one of my characters.
animated intros can be a little complex, so i would suggest making your own intro.
hey there! I saw that you were looing for a review and I really wanted to do another one, so here we are! be mindful that I am very honest, and I am in NO WAY trying to be mean! this is just my opinion, and trying my best to help you get your story to be it’s best! because if I lied who would that benefit? haha! I hope you enjoy!
- you should totally look into covers for your story!!!
- try looking into making an intro, if you don’t know what I mean, my story has an intro that you could look at for reference! (I’ve linked it at the end of this review, if you would like to check that out!)even something as simple as a splash with the title of the story would work!
- why is the girl not talking on her opening line? like she enters and has dialogue but doesn’t speak. make sure to add a talking animation to her line. so something like talk_happy_agree would work.
- be sure to add talking animations to dialogue lines. idk why you don’t have them but you should add them!
- wait what’s going on? could you give us a little backstory to what’s happening? like who these characters are, who she just called, who was in the accident? like… we’re very confused as to what’s going on. maybe you could add a bit of character development, and a backstory maybe?
- lmao why was she at the scene of the crime, and no police officers were? a bit unrealistic, so try adding police and maybe a police tape overlay to make it more appealing to the eye.
- the boys just kinda popped up on screen instead of entering. try adding a @CHARACTER enters from right to screen right in zone 1, to make it seem more realistic.
- the boys also enlarged themselves when they walked off screen. try and use spot directing so that they don’t get bigger as they exit. I can’t explain things very well, so try watching a joseph evans youtube video, or searching for something on the forums to explain it!
- narration. please. get rid of it. there’s so much of it, and it breaks the 4th wall. some narration is fine, i understand that, but there’s just a lot. like you’re explaining things that you could easily show us through flashbacks, or like scenes where the characters are at breakfast and talking. also, many readers don’t like a lot of narration. it takes away from the “im watching a movie feel of the story” try and explain these things through dialogue, and flashbacks, and by adding development scenes. it makes the story SO much more fun to watch and experience. it gives the reader the opportunity to develop their own opinion of the character and not just what the author says that they are.
- please add talking animations to dialogue lines.
- try adding background characters to the school, it gives it a better atmosphere!
- when a character gets done speaking or doing any animation, they will be stuck on that face because they were not given an action to do afterwards. so be sure to add a &CHARACTER is idle_happy_loop or something like that to make sure they’re still… ya know… breathing.
- episode author grammar lesson 101: you will get crucified if you do not have good grammar. me? I don’t particularly care about it, like, at all. but there are so many readers and writers who come to cut throats if they see grammatical errors. so be sure you’re adding periods at ends of sentences and commas where they need to go!
- don’t add too many words to speechbubbles. it’s a lot to read at once, so be sure to break it down if it’s too long.
- you should try using @transition fade out black or @transition fade in black more often so that the story doesn’t seem so jumpy, and that it flows better.
- yeah, okay like I said earlier, there’s just so much narration. please get rid of it. add dialogue, and flashbacks and more scenes for development, so that we as readers get the chance to form our own opinion on the characters.
- that was a really short episode, but like I said, you can fix that by adding more character development scenes!
- also, there were no choices, which I completely fine! you don’t need to have choices to have a great story! but be sure to maybe if you want tell readers that there are no choices, in the beginning of your story.
- could you put the flashbacks in episode 1? this way readers will want to continue your story. they won’t continue if they don’t know what’s going on. the pilot is where you develop the characters and the plot, so try putting the flashbacks and stuff in episode 1.
- please add talking animation, it really does benefit your story.
- jacalyn just pops up on screen walking and then she shrinks. not sure what your script looks like, so I can’t tell you how to fix it, but I just wanted you to know.
- try using the ‘&’ command more often, it really helps the story flow better, especially with animations. &CHARACTER is idle_happy_loop is better than @CHARACTER is idle_happy_loop. if you use ‘@’ the script will wait for this to happen and then continue, so there will be this awkward pause. so use ‘&’ more often for animations, and use ‘@’ more often for directing.
- the characters just pop out of no where on the playground. try having them enter or having them already be there when the scene starts. do that using the ‘&’ command thing I just talked about.
- jacalyn just slides off to exit, try having her walk off.
- instead of putting “Teacher - (whatever her line is)” make that into a character and have her come outside to get her.
- jacalyn has a dialogue bubble when she’s supposed to be thinking. this is when she’s talking to the officer(you missed a parenthesis at the beginning of her line)
- there’s a dialogue line of Darleen slapping jacalyn and jacalyn receiving it, instead of the action happening.
- jacalyn says a line that i’m pretty sure was meant for Darleen in the hospital scene.
- the hospital scene is kind of messy… can you re watch that and try an revamp it?
- okay, but… on a real… why is her mom the worst person ever? lmao
- can you give some insight as to why her mom is so mean to her, maybe in the beginning of the flashback?
- there are a few ties where jacalyn gets bigger as she exits, you should use spot directing to avoid that from happening. I cant explain it because it’s very had to, because I suck at explaining. but it’s very vital and important to great story telling, so you should really look into it! joseph evans has a good youtube tutorial on it, and i’m sure there’s a great post for it on the forums!
- the narration? I understand that this may be a lot of directing, but can you like make it into a scene? or even if you want to keep the narration, could you have something going on in the background and not just a black screen? this is a serious moment, and we’d like to see it.
- nice cliffhanger at the end! i’m a sucker for cliffhangers and I like that one!
- nooooooooooooo you took away the affect by adding an author outro!
- author intros/outros are a no. readers don’t really like them, and they’re a bit unnecessary. once again, it takes away from the “im watching a movie” feel of the story. if your audience has something to ask you, they’ll ask you in the fan mail, if not don’t add it. (in my opinion the only exception is if your story get’s hella popular and you keep getting asked the same questions over and over again.)
- don’t tell us that this is your first story and that you’re still learning. take akes us doubt your capabilities as an author and makes us not want to read your story. be confident in what you post! and if you’re not confident in it, then don’t post it.
- this episode was also really short.
That was a lot of writing, im sorry!
Okay, overall, I thought it was okay! This is your first story and because of that I think it’s pretty good! It still needs some development for sure, but trust me it could be soooooo much worse. This is pretty good for it being your first time writing! In my opinion you mostly need to worry about cutting the narration, and adding more background in the first episode. The first episode is the pilot episode so that’s where you HAVE to make a lasting impression on the readers! It has to be so good that they HAVE to want to have more! Anyways. The narration. There was so much narration. Now, i’m not saying that narration is a bad thing, because it isn’t. But too much narration is a bad thing. Some narration to give a bit of insight on the characters is okay, I will say that. But if you’re explaining character details and situations in narration then that’s when you need to stop, and put it into a scene, or add dialogue. This way the reader can form their own opinion on the characters, and it’s more fun to play! This also makes for longer stories, so that people feel that they spent their passes on something worth it. Also, we need more development in the first episode. Don’t put the flashback in episode 2, put them in episode 1 when we need them. And you don’t even need to do flashbacks. You could add her having a conversation with her friend about how sucky her life is. Or, you could have her, her mom, and her brothers all talking about important story details at breakfast or dinner or something. I don’t know. I don’t want to write your story for you, but those are just some ideas. I say that you should go back into the story, and just re watch it for yourself, and self correct whatever you see feels wrong, and just revamp it! Trust me it will be so much better this way! Also, don’t wait to add choices, do it early so that readers stay interested. Don’t wait. Because the goal is to impress readers within the first 3 episodes! So be sure you do that! Also, if you’re not proud of it, or you feel that you need to say that this is your first story so it’s going to be not the best, then don’t post it until it IS the best! Be confident in your story before you upload it! It’s key! Overall, I just think you should go back into it and give it a quick revamp! Also, try and watch some joseph evans youtube tutorials, he gives really good advice and key points on how to do things! I can’t wait to read this when you revamp it! Happy writing!
Also, if you enjoyed this review I’m sure you’ll enjoy my new story! I hope you check it out, and if you’re willing give me feedback, I’d love to hear what you think! Or, you can just crucify me to no end on how bad it is! I wouldn’t mind! Thanks for allowing me to do this review!
Title: Mystery on Hanging Hill Lane
Author: Marshmallow O.
Genre: Thriller, Mystery, Romance, Comedy
Summary: Time is running out as you and your friends try to escape the mysterious sleepover that you were invited to… Read to uncover the Mystery on Hanging Hill Lane.
Chapters: 4 (More to come)
Create your own characters and Choices Matter!
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