Girl of Deception by IDON’TKNOWREAL
@IDONTKNOWREAL’s Chapter One Review
My reviews are written from my perspective only, and my opinion may not align with others’. I am not a professional, and I’m still learning as a reviewer. Ultimately, my goal is to highlight areas I loved, and suggest places for improvement. Honest, constructive feedback will be offered, but if you are offended by what I wrote, or want to clear something up, please PM me. I will take the blame for anything offensive I might have wrote but privately, and in a civil manner.
Title, Cover Art, and Description:
Your story was the only result when I searched ‘Girl of Deception’ in the Episode Interactive app, which is great, as it increases the chances of someone reading it because it’s distinct. The title itself made me wonder: Why is she the girl of deception? What happened? It was a thought-provoking title to me, and as a result, something worth reading.
For you small cover, the font and color you used for the title and the author name were readable, and very clear. You may want to decrease the font size a little because the edges of the some of the words are curved by the border of the small cover (not enough that it was unrecognizable). The background color scheme gave me a mysterious, action/adventure vibe, matching well with the black font of the words. However, I didn’t understand why there were white smudges around the character. With everything considered, the cover wasn’t eye-catching to me.
The large cover led me to the assumption that there would be romance, because of Aria winking at the two males (which I recognized from chapter one, and them being on the cover makes me believe they’ll play an important role in the story). Again, some of the words are curved by the border of the large cover. Possibly move the title down a bit?
The description is interesting enough that I would want to read the story, but it could still use some improvement because of its similarity to other descriptions. If I based the genre just off of the description, I may mistaken it for action, mystery, or romance. (Check over your spelling and punctuation mistakes too.)
Plot:
(Try to minimize author introductions, as most people tend to skim over those. If needed, you could always have Q & A’s at the end of every chapter. )
The beginning of the story moved too slowly to me, but it could be easily resolved by removing some filler dialogue. Majority of the first chapter seemed to only exist to show her horribleness, so try to incorporate those scenes into the actual storyline. Aside from the hints inserted in the introduction, I wasn’t able to tell what the plot was about, until near the end, but even then, I was confused about the direction it was heading. However, I thought the ending of chapter one was amazing, as the cliffhanger left me in suspense. Your foreshadowing was well executed, and one line in particular caught my attention because it showcased just that: “Not just because of what happened afterwards, but I regret who I was back then.” The line, “Luckily, this changed, but before we get to that, let’s see just how horrible I was.” took away some of the intrigue, so you may want to change it.
Characters:
From the beginning, Aria’s personality was obvious from what you explicitly wrote, and what I implicitly gathered from her dialogue and actions, and how other’s reacted in her presence. It was also evident in her outfit change choices, when you didn’t stick with the usual ‘Yes, I like this outfit,’ ‘No, I dislike this outfit.’ Instead, you costumized it to fit Aria’s ‘voice’ better with ‘I AM A QUEEN’ and ‘Eww.’ My suggestion is to continue doing this, and try to use ‘show, don’t tell’ more often in your story. For example, you started with “My name is Aria Lamar and I am 19 years old.” This could be slid into the story instead of being told outright, which you achieved by having her scream,“I am ARIA FREAKING LAMAR.” What you did there was more interesting to read, and was Aria’s ‘voice’ too. Although her personality was easy to pinpoint, I thought she was lacking in depth (your characters will probably be developed more as the story goes, so don’t take this to heart). In the next few chapters, I hope more details about her life and quirks will be revealed. I had questions about her biography, like: What did she do to become rich? Why is she famous at only 19? How does she maintain a steady income? Where are her parents?
After reading, I was puzzled how the other characters fit into the story. Were they going to pop up once, then disappear forever? Do they play a key role? It seemed as if they were thrown in last minute, without much consideration into their personalities and biographies. I suggest you use character profile sheets to develop them more.
Directing, Choices, and Music/Sound:
Your visuals at the beginning were remarkable. I liked how the words ‘Girl of Deception’ bounced before it settled and was swiped away, and the flickering flames too. All of the custom backgrounds and text effects were excellent. It was a touch in the story I have rarely seen, and left me eager in seeing other directing tricks you had.
Throughout the chapter, few directing mistakes stood out. You have the basic directing skills down, and I’ve seen you use more advanced ones too, like the point system. I wish you added more zooms (especially cut scenes to two characters instead of one, so readers can see how people react to Aria immediately, not afterwards), and spot directing, as it can impact the visual affect of you story dramatically.
A few scenes where I would have liked to see spot directing is after Aria says “Whatever, I’ll just work on an article,” which then you could spot direct her to a seat, and work on an article there, because it seems unnatural to stand for three hours working on an article. Another scene is after leaving the club, where you could spot direct her to wait on the sidewalk instead of the street.
There were a couple errors with the transitions and character actions. For example, after Aria left for the bar, it faded out, then jumped to the club scene again, before it finally jumped to the bar a few seconds later (if you don’t understand my wording, I’ll screenshot it for you). After the photoshoot, when it faded into her bedroom, I saw her suddenly pop up out of nowhere after the fade in, instead of before the fade in. Don’t forget to pay attention to the background characters too as if will seem out of place if you forget to continue their actions- in the club scene in particular, the brown haired male stopped moving after his dance action was complete.
Overall:
Although there were some noticeable punctuation and spelling errors, they were minor enough that it didn’t take away from the story. If you’re interested, these were a few of the spelling and punctuation errors, and their corrections:
Corrections
“Rip me”
Correction: “RIP me.”
“You’re outfit is horrible.”
Correction: “Your outfit is horrible.”
“Yes! that’s exactly what I need!”
Correction: Yes! That’s exactly what I need!"
“Did you forget your drivers license?”
Correction: Did you forget your driver’s license?"
“I was at my daughters birthday party.”
Correction: “I was at my daughter’s birthday party.”
Overall, it was an enjoyable read! Keep writing and improving the content you produce. As with every story, there’s places to polish up, but most of the errors can be discovered by checking through your story a few extra times. The changes I suggested are minor, but sometimes, it’s the small details that makes an outstanding story.
If you want me to review chapters two and three, remember to acknowledge this review, and if you choose to do so, I’m excited to see your growth. :3 If you have any other stories (unpublished or published) you’d want me to review, or the same one after three weeks and at least one major change, request ahead! If you have any questions or comments, or want me to elaborate on the review, PM me.
Thank you for requesting! ^-^