Opinion about my story description

I made a post a few days ago, so you could give me opinions about my story description. Now I changed the description, do you think that it’s better than the original one? My story is a crime story.

Original story description: You’re a new police detective and so far, so good. Trouble is about to start for you the day you receive a mysterious package at work. Chaos awaits, but you don’t know that… yet.

NEW ONE: Your sweet days of coffee and donuts take a dark turn when you get chosen by a killer to play his (deadly) game. Will you be able to resolve the case, Detective? One thing is certain: chaos is closing in.

ÉDIT: or this one?
Your life take a dark turn when you get chosen by a killer to play his deadly game. Will you be able to resolve the case, Detective? One thing is certain: chaos is closing in.

What do you think? you can be honest :slight_smile:

3 Likes

I actually like both. you know you could always start out with the old one. and change to the other later. sometimes a new cover and discription can get new readers in.

2 Likes

Is this about a lazy cop in a Saw scenario?

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ooooh I love the 2nd one, especially the end “chaos is closing in” I like how you left it at that, and kept it simple. Sometimes less is more and it’s refreshing to see you didn’t end with a “?”

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Love the second one! deadly game is waaay better imo.

2 Likes

What about this one? I made a few changes on your newest story description.

Your sweet days of coffee and donuts take a dark turn when you get chosen by a killer to play his game. Will you be able to solve the case, Detective? Hurry up though, chaos is closing in.

3 Likes

“one thing is certain” sounds more appropriate for me :slightly_smiling_face:

3 Likes

Sure! It’s your story after all! :sweat_smile::smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

1 Like

I like the suggestion!!

1 Like

Bump

Bump

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