Opinions/Feedback on my first 3 chapters?

Hey guys,

As some of you know I have started my own story called “Out Of Your League”, is anyone able to read the first 3 chapters please? I would really appreciate your honest opinions about anything you don’t like - or anything that needs changing.

May I just inform you that ALL choices matter and will impact the story (not only the length, but things that happen.) there aren’t that many choices at the moment, but a lot more in episode 3.

Title: Out Of Your League

Description: Austin Drake; He’s smug, arrogant and the perfect distraction. Will the league book give you a new perception, or cause a girl/boy divide? Scandals, Lust & Lies. Can you handle it?

I know most of you want a full description, but it’s really hard to describe without giving everything away. I have a lot of subplots which will eventually take place - some already have. This is a drama, romance & mystery.

Once you find the League book you will start to understand a bit better, but everything that happens in each chapter is connected and valuable information which will help you to figure out what’s happening at your university.

My first 3 chapters are mostly character building, so just bear with the story line.

Thank you

Hey! :grin:
I’m not a big fan of romance x drama stories but I’ve seen your cover before in the thread with a poll (to help you decide which cover was better). Because it caught my eye, I’m going to read the first three chapters and I’ll see where it goes :joy:
I’ll give you a feedback if you want

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Thank you so much! Yes please, i really appreciate it x

This story has great potential and I can easily see it skyrocketing the trending list. The dialogue and language used is impeccable and I loved the advanced directing. Here are some tips I’ve gathered after reading. I hope this is useful to you.

-Try adding background characters for a more realistic feel like in the club scene

-Be carfeul of layers when directing. When the two guys entered the club the woman in the background were on top of them when they were supposed to be behind them.

-the dialogue was really funny and great! It sounded like dialogue that would be in a featured story!

-Your zooms were spot on and your directing skills are amazing!

-In the first chapter it doesn’t really give a feel for what the story is about… It’s a girl and her friends going to university and they go to a bar and piss off a girl? I feel like you kinda need to give the reader more so they really know what the purpose of the story is because i feel like this chapter lacked a lot of content.

-is this story a series of flashbacks? Im getting a little confused how in the second episode she is in the therapy session explaining to the therapist about caleb and then it cuts back to where the first chapter left off. Maybe make it more clear in the first episode that Ivy is recounting a story to the reader through flashbacks.

-I’m kind of getting confused with how many characters are being introduced and I have no clue how they fit into the story. Like sasiko and margot. What is their connection to the mc and plot of the story?

-there are so many characters and i still dont know any of their names even by the third chapter because of how quickly they are being introduced.

-the transitions are a bit long transitioning from scene to scene. I don’t recommend removing the transitions completely just maybe cut back on the amount of seconds.

-I suggest you try making it clear to the reader who each of the characters are and what there connection to the plot and mc is because its hard understanding who everyone is and why they are in the story. Maybe you should have started with less characters. It’s a bit overwhelming.

-when switching from austin to ivy during the assembly i would remove the transitions. I would only use transitions when going from scene to scene.

-I really liked Ivy’s description of Riley! It leaves the reader intrigued on what role Riley will play in the story.

-Even after chapter 3 I’m still not completely sure what the story is about. Is it just following a girl and her experiences in university? I feel like you need to show the reader within the first three chapters what the storyline or purpose of the story is.

-the chapters are a great length!

-I love the frequent choices!!!

-Will the reader be able to customize Ivy and the love interests? I think it makes it more appealing to the reader. Also not everyone is attracted to the same appearance so maybe it will help to add customization for love interests to avoid complaints from the reader about their appearances.

I really can’t wait for this story to be published because I think you have great potential!!! I think as you write the story it will get better and better. I’m so excited to see how it turns out!

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Thank you so much! I completely agree with what you’re saying, i am going to add background characters (I’ve been a little lazy :joy:), yeah i did feel like the first 3 chapters kinda lacked a plot - my storyline is kinda difficult and i didn’t want to give too much away so quickly, i might remove a few characters and introduce them at a later stage. Thank you so much for your feedback, i honestly really needed this! I will go back through the script tomorrow and go through your points! X

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I’m sure it will turn out amazing! Once it gets published I definitely will be adding it to my recommended stories list!!!

Awh thank you so much, that honestly means the world to me! :heart:

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