Opinions on certain things in my story? (Vampire story)

I’m currently working on a vampire story, it will be my first story and I’m wondering how people feel about certain things and if they will stop reading because of them.

-Your character’s sister is a mean popular girl, yes it’s very cliche, but the twist is that she only behaves that way at school or in front of friends so she can fit in and is actually not so bad at home, she will also change quite a bit later on. Would it bother anyone that I’m using this trope if it’s not what it appears?

-You have a boyfriend automatically at the start (though not permanently) and you kiss with no option not to, Would that bother anyone that A. You start with a boyfriend and B. You have to let him kiss you?

-When you go to school, I skip making a scene in the classroom and have a short narration instead because nothing important happens, is that okay? I know there’s show and not tell, but there really was nothing to show.

-A certain character with CC options can only have pale skin.

-Your character’s eye color will change to a different color.

-Your character will turn into a vampire and become pale and people will mention it, but I will have a short explanation and leave it up to the player to decide in a second CC scene what constitutes as pale in comparison to whatever their skin tone originally was. (Example: They had darker skin, so pale for them might be more of a tan color, or they might feel like going full white, or possible one shade lighter than before.) Is that too much to have some one do themselves?

-Is there anything anyone is sick of seeing in vampire stories that I should avoid?

-Is there anything you would like to see in a vampire story that I should consider adding?

-Tips and suggestions for any and all are appreciated.

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Moved to Share Feedback section as that’s where pitches live! :v:t2:

Oh whoops, thanks. :blush: I got excited though, because I thought I had a reply. :frowning:

Ah sorry about that! If you want my two cents, writing the story you want to write is the best way to have it feel unique because it’ll be coming from you and not the consensus of a committee :slight_smile: Have fun! :v:t2:

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Ohh, thank you. That is very true. :blush:

Do you need a cover

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Also when is the story gonna be publish I like to read it

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I think this is still a cliche


Thanks for offering, I have a cover ready to go already.

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It probably won’t be ready for at least a couple of months as I’m taking a break to go on a trip, but after that it should be good to go. I’m already writing episode 2, you’re free to follow me if you want to, my name is A. J. Winters on the app, I believe. :grin:

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While it is, the character is going to grow as a person later, I’m just wondering if the closeness to a cliche like that will bother anyone. Also what stories have you seen that have a mean sister at school, nice at home as a cliche?

That’s a bit too broad, but thanks for your opinion.

Yooo, I saw this post yesterday and had so much to say that I had to leave it to come back to when I had more time.

This story sounds good! I’ll go through the points you made and give you my opinion, I think that’s easiest…

  • The main thing that bothers me about this trope (don’t know if this is the same for others) is that it pits women/girls against each other and honestly, in a world where women so often still face oppression from men or whatever, I’m just so sick of seeing women pitted against each other as well and this idea of those ‘mean girls’ who put other girls down to feel better… just is not something that should be showcased and normalised as much as it is. That said, I like the idea of this being a fairly key character (sister) who has obviously been developed well as a character as she has this split personality. Okay, what all this rambling boils down to is: regardless of how your character acts at home, she’s still a stereotype and a cliche if she’s fitting that “mean popular girl” role at school. Make her unique… and make her better than that. You can have a popular girl who’s clearly trying to fit in and be the best - she can even still be selfish and have some sort of superiority complex - without being absolutely horrible without reason to other people… That’s just my opinion but I do as a general rule hate the “mean popular girl” cliche.

  • I really don’t think the boyfriend thing is an issue - it’s your story and your character has to start somewhere!

  • This is fine, honestly. I feel like inserting an unnecessary scene just for the sake of it would be obvious and boring… yeah I’d rather just have a tiny bit of narration and move on to the actual story.

  • Don’t think these first two appearance things are an issue.

  • I like this idea that pale doesn’t have to be bright white or whatever… definitely don’t think this is too much for the reader to do, think they’ll like it!

  • I don’t really read vampire stories so can’t help you here much… I was however an avid watcher of The Vampire Diaries, so if you wanna talk what I love about that, hit me up… Ummmm don’t do the whiny human Bella Swan whose life is only fulfilled when a couple vampires appear in it thing though…

  • Other supernaturals? I’m not talking just werewolves, I mean like all the other types of supernaturals that you get in shows like TVD… but that’s just a suggestion. Feel like that’s the kind of thing that can over-complicate a story and take away from its original charm.

Soooo yeah I think that’s everything :joy: sorry if I just drowned you in opinion! But I hope at least some of it is helpful Xx
I loooove being to help out with this kind of thing and talk through other people’s stories with them so if you wanna talk more (which would be surprising considering I think you’ve heard enough out of me for about 4 years) my IG is @cordeliam.episode Or you can message me here on the forums!



No no, you didn’t drown me in opinion, this is the kind of response I was looking for. Thank you for the insight, it gives me a lot to digest.

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Okay, glad I could help Xx

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Closing due to inactivity :slight_smile: