Passionfruit's Story Reviews! 🌺

Hi everybody :penguin:! Story reviews have always helped me when I’m working on writing something to help make it better or just have a set of extra eyes who will point out directing errors or glitches that you might not have noticed. So, I shall be doing story reviews. I’m excited to discover new community stories.

Rules + Guidelines!
  1. Your story has to be published. I only have an android phone to use for stories, so I have to be able to have access to your story without a share link.
  2. Submit your request with the story title, author name, and cover image so that I can find it easily. Additionally, add you can add the description and a share link so that other people who read the thread might see your story and check it out.
  3. I will read up to three chapters of your story, because I have a limited amount of passes. If you only want a review for 1 or 2 chapters, let me know.
  4. Let me know if you want me to post your review in this thread or in a private message.
  5. Let me know what tone you want the review to take–sweet, normal, or harsh. The focus of the reviews will either be what works well, my general opinion of the story, or what I don’t think works well.
  6. If there’s anything specific you want me to look at (could be a particular scene or branch, could be the plot line generally) or anything that you want me to ignore.
Rules TL; DR
  1. Published stories only
  2. Leave the story’s name, author name, and cover.
  3. I will read up to 3 chapters, let me know how many I should read.
  4. Response location (this thread or PM)
  5. Review tone (sweet, normal, harsh)
  6. Particular things for me to look at or avoid

Just leave a comment with the relevant information and I’ll be on it as soon as I can! :hibiscus: :blob_hearts:

Waiting List
Completed! Waiting List
kahotshot AnonymousAuthor1
amelia.directs Priya13
Vendula its.emmaepisode
anianju Megz_Episode
Rockified FancyGirlGamer
Ladies.episode JAY.M
Leathelion julianne7
some_kid
7 Likes

Can I have a review on this story?

Title: Video Game Champion
Author: Karlon Artis
Genre: Action
Description: You are a gamer hoping to win the video game championship. Can you defeat your rival after a 5-year losing streak?
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5634634595172352
Cover:

Can I have a normal review tone sent via PM?

1 Like

Hi, I just published my second story and I’d love for a review :slight_smile:

Name: Behind the Scenes
Genre: Romance
Author: Amelia
Style: Limelight
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5147207544274944
Plot: After years of being a struggling actress, you finally get a role that is going to change your life. Will your infamous co-star, Alec Pierce, be able to change your views on love?
Number of episodes: 3
Instagram: Ameliamason.episode

I’d like a normal review and you can send it on private message :slight_smile:

1 Like

Hi!
I would love a review, be honest please And I would like to have reviewed all 3 chapters please, thanks!
Title I made the devil cry
Autor: Šebule
Fantasy


here’s screenshot of the cover, And you can send a review here, thank you!

Thank you for doing this :blush:
So here is my story:
Author: AnjitaD
Title: Magicka : Master of elements
Genre: Fantasy
Episodes: 3(more coming soon
Description: Will you and your friends able to save the world from darkness as you uncover secrets back 500 years ago ? ( MC: F, time choices points system, adventure, fantasy, mystery and action )
Style: Limelight
Link : http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5576198820528128

1 Like

Ooo thanks for this thread! Here’s my story, DM would be great :blush:
image
Title: Queer: The Water Thief
Author: Rockified
Episodes: 5 (Weekly release)
Description: When a drought hits a remote village of Nigeria, you are tempted to make a life-changing decision, unveiling a world of family conflicts, crisis, and forbidden love. LL | CC | LGBT
Genre: Drama & Gay Romance
Labels: CC, minigames, point system, choice matters, cash mechanic.
Tone: HARSH :skull:

Hey! Thank you for this thread💜
I would love a normal review tone.
You can send it in a PM. :heart_decoration:
Here is my story:
Title: the last breath
Author: ladies.episode
Genre: Drama
Chapters: 7 (on going)
Descreption: Sibel became a doctor as she dreamed of, but will she leave or continue her career after she was forced to marry a cruel Italian mafia.
IG: @ladies.episode
Link:


Cover:

1 Like

Hey can I have a review? :hugs::heart:

Title: Your Heart My Heart
Genre: Drama
Episodes: 3
Style: Ink
Author: Lea the lion
Description: Michelle has never been in love but when she meets a boy with secret past who ends up being her new classmate things start to go upside down. Will her life be the same as before? No cc, art scenes
Link


Cover

Uses a lot of overlays, sometimes you won’t be able to pick an outfit

I’d like to get a review in private message :blush:
Review tone: normal

just wanted to say tysm for this thread, and please take your time

Hey everyone.
I have worked really hard for this story. This is the first ever story of mine.
I would love to have honest reviews tho. :pleading_face: :heart:

Name: The Princess of Light
Genre: Fantasy
Chapters released: 3 (more coming soon)
Style: Limelight
Instagram: @priya.episodestorys
Link:

episodeinteractive.com

The Best Stories Are Worth Sharing: The Princess of Light

Checkout this story, on the Episode App! If you like it, support the story by passing it along!

(Yes i have 2 story covers :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:)
Both small and large cover by @KylieJay :heart:

Hey I’d love a review. Thanks for doing this :two_hearts: :two_hearts:

Title: Just Friends by Emma
Genre: drama/romance
Episodes: 3 released
Style: LL
Description: Returned home after 1.5 year. People are not the same, but neither are you. But everything goes down hill when last years problems reappears.
Tone: harsh, if you could take a minute to focus on you impression of the characters that’d be great!

Hello, I would like you to review 3 chapters of my story with normal tone. I would like you to share yiur personal thoughts about my story and to be compleately honest with me. You can send me the review via PM.
Title : Life in Demby
Author : Megz_episode
Description : The new students arrive in the university of Demby to start their new life. What will happen when the mysterious Author try to draw them into his sick, twisted GAME?
Cover :

Episodes So far 12
Style INK
Genre : drama
Link : http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5842077707730944

I would like a review on my story.

Title: A New World

Author: Darcy

Description: Amanda had rough times in her life due to her anxiety and depression. She tries to find out who she really is and free herself from the negativity with a little help from a friend.

Genre: Adventure

Chapters: 3 (more are coming soon)

Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5539232931446784

Instagram: @darcy.nudi_episode

image

Thank you so much for this thread! I’d love a review of the first 3 chapters, in a normal tone. I can’t wait to hear what you think!

  • Magicka: The Shaper of Destiny
  • Instagram: @episodejulianne
  • Description: Iris is a Shaper - a messenger of destiny sent to earth by the Fates. She’s never questioned her role before… Until she meets Thalia, a human with some unusual abilities. LGBTQ, CC, art scenes.
  • Style: LL
  • Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5977216496369664

title: Pregnant by the bad pregnant robot(?)

Author: Some Kid

description: Love , laughter and drama collide in this wacky adventure with little life lessons along the way. Will the ships survive? Or will you fail to take the crazy? (the plot is memes)

@Vendula :penguin:

I MADE THE DEVIL CRY Story Review

This story review is entirely my own opinion and you are under no obligation to change anything about your story. The review is written with the intent of letting you know how one particular reader is seeing the story, and the content of your story is ultimately up to you.

The story cover has changed from the story cover you pictured, however it seems to be the same story and has the same author name. The new small story cover looks odd due to being entirely green. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t select this story out of a lineup to read based on its cover and description.

I will first go over my ratings for the story based on the rubric that episode uses and then elaborate on those choices.

Story: 3
Choices: 2
Visuals: 2.5
Dialogue: 2.5

Story

  • The plot was interesting and I think that the major plot points will likely be interesting.
  • The particular ending of chapter 1 felt strange to me, as the moment seemed to be built around a dramatic reveal of which the significance wasn’t clearly explained and consequently just felt like cutting off in the middle of a scene, rather than trying to create tension.

Choices

  • I can’t recall any choices that affected more than a few lines of dialogue, and I only remember one choice from the first three chapters. It’s fine to not have choices if interactivity isn’t what you’re going for, however it’s worth mentioning.

Visuals

  • When playing the story, the directing of the story worked alright, but it didn’t look particularly clean or polished. The zooms made some scenes awkward, and the placement of characters didn’t always feel particularly lifelike.
  • My next is comes from the flashing of the rules. They flash very quickly, are hard to read, and the flashing detracts from the point of the text.
  • In the beginning scene, the character features a large amount of blood overlays, which appear on and off in the following scenes. I would personally prefer to only have the bruises rather than overlays that weren’t there in all scenes and didn’t follow the character’s movements.
  • I would strongly recommend using the guide box and ensuring that your zoom locations don’t cut off important parts of the scene for tablet players.

Dialogue

  • There were several grammar issues and a lack of punctuation in several places (although not overly frequently) where I would have thought punctuation should go. I also noticed some misspellings, the most memorable being the use of “iglue” instead of “igloo,” the conventional spelling in English, or the word “iglu,” which seems to be the spelling from the native language. I would recommend getting someone to proofread for grammatical errors, punctuation and spelling.

Other comments

  • Myroslav’s character is weird, and his regression to childhood doesn’t seem like a normal kind of brain damage.
  • I believe that you used the mosque background for a shootout, which I felt was an odd location for a fight and was never really addressed, as it didn’t look like somewhere that had been being used for battle and most fights don’t occur on religious premises.
  • I felt that the reader message saying “good choice” was condescending and was unnecessary, given the secondary reader message that came after it.
  • Saying “don’t do drugs” in a reader message does not really protect the story for implicit support of drug use.

Ultimately, I think your story would benefit from getting a proofreader to help with ensuring that the language is clear and correct and could potentially help to point out when the camera position isn’t ideal. The plot seems interesting, however I think the story would benefit from being more polished.

I wish you the best of luck in writing your story. :hibiscus: :grin:

1 Like

Thanks, I’ll try to improve it, I’m sorry for Wrong cover, episode rejected the original one And I changed the filter then, So I could have this cover in the meantime before I find out how much it must be changed to have It approved :cat_shocked:

@anianju - You didn’t specify a review location, so it’s being broadcasted at everyone. Don’t worry, though, I really enjoyed reading your story.

Master of Elements Story Review

All opinions are purely my own and are not meant to say anything authoritative about your story. You have the ultimate say in how you want your story to be read, however I hope this information will help you to know how your story reads to potential readers and help you to present the story that you want.
I’ve blurred spoilers in case anyone’s reading through the thread to find an interesting story and don’t want the plot to be revealed.

Initial Thoughts

  • The description doesn’t really highlight the tension that exists in the story. “secrets back 500 years ago” doesn’t pique my interest and sounds kind of vague. I think that describing the secrets somehow or hinting at their significance will help create a more intriguing story introduction.
  • I like how the cover shows all the characters, although they haven’t been introduced into the story at this point. However, the characters take up very little of the space on the cover and look like giants standing on a mountainhilltop. The wind affect also looks a little bit cartoon-ish because of the dark outline around the affect, although that’s a stylistic choice.

Plot

  • The story seems really interesting!
  • I enjoy the mind control of the characters, although the exact reasoning/logic behind it hasn’t been explained yet.
  • In the first few episodes, the actual plot moves quite slowly, and it seems as if the inciting incident seems to have been the dark lord’s notice of the special type of magic.
  • I think that the ending of episode 1 landed at an excellent point for the story and definitely made me want to read more of the story.

Directing

  • The directing in the story looks really nice and really clean!
  • At one point, the story switched into spotlight for several lines of casual dialogue, which was very weird considering that scene had started in cinematic format, ended in cinematic format, and spotlight wasn’t used anywhere else in the story. It wasn’t that the characters were on the phone or anything that might suit that style well, so I’m curious what was happening with that scene.
  • The customization template zooms in whenever a specific section is chosen, which made it really annoying to use to find new traits, and the pauses in between the moments made it hard to quickly try on new facial features, which weren’t blocked by the text and didn’t need a pause to be seen.
  • While the directing looks good, some of the overlays had a dark background, which made them look slightly weird. In the image below, one of the overlays has created an obvious dark section on the lower half of the character.
  • All of the magic overlays look really cool!

Choices + Interactivity

  • I didn’t like the introduction to the story for a few different reasons. The first of these reasons is that I didn’t enjoy being forced to tap on one specific icon several times in a row. I’m fine with options that only have one choice for interactivity reasons, such as viewing messages on a phone, but this felt excessive by the first episode and I wasn’t excited to see it return in all of the future ones. Additionally, the scenes after each of these were incredibly short and didn’t even show the magic or describe some lore around them, which is what I was expecting when I first was tapping on them.
  • There are a lot of timed choices in the story, which I felt were unnecessarily stressful.
  • The choices seemed to be definitively good or bad, which I feel is why many were timed, however I personally prefer having options that are a little bit more ambiguous and let me go on parallel paths, affecting the character’s personality and actions, rather than merely progressing towards a good or bad ending.
  • At one point, the choices were just labelled as excuses 1-3, which is a pet peeve of mine, since it feels more random than actually being given a choice. The only way this would be a choice is if I remembered which option I picked and redid the choice. I would strongly recommend replacing these with a short description of the excuse, such as “collecting apples” so that readers can feel like they’re making a choice. (Additionally, I always think about whether or not all of the options lead to the same dialogue because there’s no way to tell whether or not the dialogue resulted from your choice without replaying.

Miscellaneous

  • In the customization, there’s an option labelled “what’s your name?” I clicked on it and no name was prompted, so I restarted the story to see what would happen otherwise. The story worked fine without giving a name, so I would personally appreciate that section telling the default name of the character just in case readers don’t want to come up with one.
  • If the ghost, Ani, could stop Vayu, why did she spend so much time chasing him around without stopping him?

  • When she blushes after first seeing Avatar undressing, the blush is at a weird angle relative to her face, so I think it should be rotated so that it lined up more naturally with her cheeks.
  • When she is saying “breathe in” and “breathe out”, she breathes each time she says either one of those lines. Since that isn’t how people tend to breathe when thinking that, I’d prefer if she would start the breathe animation when she said breathe in and do nothing on the breathe out line, since I think it would look more natural.
  • I didn’t notice any spelling, grammar, or directing issues while playing through the story.
  • This is very personal, but I wasn’t a fan of the outfit options for the main character.
  • You said that you got your images from google, so make sure to only use images that are free for commercial use.

Final Thoughts

  • I really liked your story and I thought that the plotline was really promising. There are a few things that I would recommend making minor changes to, however it overall works very well and was very interesting.

Good luck in the contest and good luck writing the rest of your story! :blob_hearts: :hibiscus: :woman_mage:

1 Like

Thank you so much for this lovely feedback and review :hugs::heart:. Sure I will correct the minor mistakes :grin: but introduction is really important for the story, it slowly slowly reveals the story concept and also “secrets back 500 years ago” this is because in further episodes the main character will learn her past life and also the secrets of her past life, during the journey she will also makes friends and in the end of the story whether she will defend dark lord or not depending upon how much point you have gain :grin:.

1 Like