Hello! My name is Ray and I am recently working on my second story. I was hoping if anyone would be able to read my first chapter and give me their feedback? I would really appreciate it.
Story Title: Dear Diary LL
Author: RayRay
Genre: Thriller
Style: LimeLight
Description: The high school gossip queen had dirt on everyone. She kept all of their secrets in a diary. It’s how she basically controlled people. Until one night she was found DEAD.
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6630461779542016
Dear Diary
Overall, it was interesting to read, and I enjoyed it.
It took about 5 minutes 36 to play through. Some readers may like longer episodes.
During Scene 1, whenever SAMARA talks, whilst reading from the book prop, it disappears. On the other hand, when she does any animation where her hands move, eg idle_armscrossed_awkward_loop, the book prop moves unnaturally. It would make more sense, to remove it for those animations.
If dialogue runs over 3 lines or more, then it is too long. Try to cut them down. For longer pieces of dialogue, I would suggest using a looping animation.
I would always recommend using show not tell, as some readers may find it boring to read through.
Finally, I would suggest adding music.
I haven’t proofread.
Scene 1: SAMARA, NICOLE & CONNOR
choice
Are you happy with how she looks?
“Yes, she looks gorgeous!” {
} “No, I want to change something” {
}
Keep your use of punctuation consistent.
“No, I want to change something.”
SAMARA
She’s such a ***** .
SAMARA
Sleeping with your boyfriend’s dad? Ugh! Gag me! I could totally rat them out if I wanted. That pedophile would get locked up for statutory rape.
Episode Guide
Dialogue Length:
It’s hard to read dialogue boxes with more than 2-3 lines of text in it. There is a light grey vertical line in the script to the right. End your lines of dialogue before that. This also keeps the story moving and readers engaged.
Why is it in bold?
NICOLE
Everything there is the truth, Samara.
Though it makes sense, grammatically, you may need a preposition.
Everything in there is the truth, Samara.
SAMARA
Oh, so you expect me to believe that Tori actually hooked up with Justin’s dad?
NICOLE talks during SAMARA’s dialogue.
NICOLE
She’s in to senior citizens.
Not sure if it should be “into” or “in to”, as “into” is a prepositions and “in to” is generally short for in order to.
SAMARA
Maybe I should just tell Justin. The look on his face would be priceless.
Personally, I’d use a comma after “maybe”; however, it’s not mandatory.
SAMARA
Does anybody else know about these?
Does anybody else know about this?
NICOLE
Nope only you bestie!
Nope, only you, bestie!
Nope. Only you, bestie!
Direct Address.
NICOLE
I told you there not rumors.
I told you they’re not rumors.
- There - Pronoun
- Their - Possession
- They’re - Verb - Contraction of They are
SAMARA
Oh yeah? Then how come you’re the only one who seems to know all of this?
Oh yeah? Then, how come you’re the only one who seems to know all of this?
NICOLE
Of course not! I love you to much. And plus if I did I wounldn’t let you read this.
Of course not! I love you too much. And plus, if I did, I wouldn’t let you read it.
Grammatically, you need a comma, but it isn’t read with a comma, so I won’t amend it.
Use this if NICOLE were holding the book - to gesture to it.
SAMARA
How about Connor?
There are other ways of saying this. Though, they don’t all sound right.
What about Connor?
NICOLE
Oh, please, if I had anything on Connor we wouldn’t still be together.
Oh, please. If I had anything on Connor, we wouldn’t still be together.
SAMARA
Yeah that is true.
Yeah, that is true.
SAMARA
How come the diary design is beautiful on the outside, yet so ugly on the inside.
There are other ways of saying this. Though, they don’t all sound right.
Why is the diary design so beautiful on the outside, yet, so ugly on the inside.
NICOLE
Well how else am I supposed to get what I want around here?
Well, how else am I supposed to get what I want around here?
SAMARA
Uh…Respect?
I’d put a space between the ellipsis and Respect, though, it’s not mandatory.
The reaction to the sound is delayed.
SAMARA
Nicole don’t! What the **** are you doing?! Someone could be trying to break in!
Nicole, don’t! What the **** are you doing?! Someone could be trying to break in!
Nicole! Don’t! What the **** are you doing?! Someone could be trying to break in!
When NICOLE returns to her spot, she walks under SAMARA. Adjust your layers.
SAMARA
Oh my *** Connor you sleaze!
Oh my *** , Connor you sleaze!
Oh my *** ! Connor you sleaze!
CONNOR
Ok Ok i’m sorry babe
Ok, ok. I’m sorry, babe.
NICOLE
Don’t you ever do that again, I’m gonna beat the **** out of you.
Don’t you ever do that again, or I’m gonna beat the **** out of you.
SAMARA
Ugh! Okay that’s my cut to leave.
Ugh! Okay, that’s my cut to leave.
SAMARA
Oh and Nic don’t forget to lock the door.
Oh, and Nic, don’t forget to lock the door.
NICOLE and CONNOR are idle. Use a looping animation.
- kiss_makeout_loop and kiss_makeout_loop_rear
OR - kiss_passionate_loop and kiss_passionate_loop_rear
Scene 2: Narration
Grovesville was a small town on the coast of California, and a relatively quiet one at that, so I though I was concerned about her door not being locked.
Grovesville was a small town on the coast of California, and a relatively quiet one at that, so I thought I was concerned about her door not being locked.
I didn’t think much of it…But I should have that night.
I’d put a space between the ellipsis and but, though, it’s not mandatory.
Scene 3: NICOLE
NICOLE
Derek how many times did I tell you to knock before you come in-
Derek, how many times did I tell you to knock before you come in-
UNKNOWN
I told you Nicole some secrets aren’t meant to be kept.
I told you, Nicole, some secrets aren’t meant to be kept.
I told you, Nicole. Some secrets aren’t meant to be kept.
You could leave the name blank instead.
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Wow thanks! I’ll make sure to make some of those corrections!
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And I have no idea why the notebook keep disappearing it’ even doing that when I preview the story
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I do proofread beta reading and feedback in general if you want you can check out my thread Olu's review thread (OPEN)
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