Please read this and let me knoww

Hey :grin:
I have written the first part of a story
If anyone could tell me what they think it would be greatly appreciated!
@pause for 2
music music_darkkeys
@YOU changes into Bloody
@YOU stands screen center
YOU (talk_angry)
How could you do this to me?
YOU (talk_angry)
You have no idea what I could do to you.
[NAME], please… I’m sorry.
YOU (talk_angry)
I shouldn’t have trusted you. I should have NEVER trusted you.
YOU (talk_argue_angry)
You… you!
I thought you loved me!

YOU (talk_argue_defensive)
Did I really mean that little to you?
Was money really worth that much?
YOU (talk_accuse_angry)
Or was it even money? Did you want my power? Why would anyone EVER want my power?
Do you have any idea how powerful I am?
YOU (talk_argue_defensive)
I could end you with a flick of my fingers.
YOU (talk_armscrossed_angry_loop)
And I will.
@YOU is talk_pointup_pretentious
I felt a surge of darkness flooding through me. It surged through my body until it became | bold |part of me.| reset | I ignored his pleas as I raised my hand again.
I felt his soul oozing out of his body. It was a dark soul, a powerful soul.
Not powerful enough for me though. Nothing ever was. And nothing ever will be.
This felt… so good. I had been surpressing this power too long. It was a part of me, it always had, and it was pointless to try and fight it.
sound scream_male
@YOU is idle_sad_loop
He was dead.
I had killed him.
Had it really come to this?
Had I really come to this?
@YOU exits left AND YOU is run_cry_embarrassed_loop
I ran away into the darkness, the tears pouring down my face.

1 Like

Conceptually, I love it. Maybe do more showing and less telling, though. The surge-of-darkness would be a perfect opportunity to throw in some overlays.

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Moved to Share Feedback since you’re looking for feedback on your story. Make sure to check out our Forum Tutorial for more info about where to correctly create topics, and feel to PM me if there are any questions. :wink:

Thank you :blush: It means a lot. I don’t really know much about overlays, apart from the basics. I’ll look them up.

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