Proof Read Needed.....The Mafia & His Queen

i need someone to read what i have so far and just tell me what you think so far the story isnt published yet

the link is

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Hi I hope you don’t mind I give honest feedback, I don’t mean to come across blunt but I feel we need to see the obvious errors to learn as when we write on episode, we have to multi task so it’s easy not to see some things.

  • Opening Scene No biggy but when you have Victoria saying “Yeah, well I didn’t, until I met him” I would put a ! after him since you are referring to someone who you fell in love with and although I have read a lot, I am assuming him is someone important!

  • Your speech bubbles aren’t close to the character’s mouth or at least head, It looks untidy when you have other characters on scene.

  • I really liked how you did the change hair and lipstick with the animations, it flowed nicely.

  • The lipstick overlay stays in Victoria’s hand for the rest of the chapter.

  • I enjoyed the scene with Hollie, great use of comedy.

  • The scene at the guard desk; you have Victoria at screen left facing left then she walks in. The Receptionist was out of view, unless you meant for her to be, but then when she talks to herself, you can’t see her Victoria exits but stays in view.

  • The scene at the boss’s door, Victoria’s speech bubble tail is the wrong side. I liked how you did the animation to open the door, I only write in limelight so unless that is a ink animation, it still looked good

  • Office Scene - Valentina’s speech bubble tail is the wrong direction. Riccardo is almost out of view. After the interview, both Victoria and Riccardo aren’t spotted in the right place.

  • Next scene which you have as present day, Victoria’s outfit is what the reader chose for the interview.

I really enjoyed this story… Please let me know when you have written some more and I am happy to continue giving you feedback if you wish.

thank you im just about done with episode 2

Your story is really entertaining and the plot is intriguing, I want to know what happens next! lol
…There are some small fixes I would make though:

~ A lot of the time the character’s Victoria is interacting with are off screen, so I would suggest moving them or cutting / panning to the other zones to see them better.

~ I would like to see the interview rather than skipping over it (i.e. how they first interact with each other, if they are nervous, flirtatious, etc.)

~ I’m not sure if it’s my phone glitching (because I do have some issues with music on episode) but I would suggest adding more / different music so it’s not just the same song playing.

~ Make sure speech bubbles are close to the characters mouth and the toggles are in the correct place.

~ At the end I would make the screen pause longer or put “Instagram: @…” otherwise it goes away too quickly to read your handle and see your beautiful art!

Other than those tips, I really liked your story - I would definitely read more! :relaxed:

im trying to find a writing partner so they can help me fix all theses little problems as im only just learning about coding

Coding is really difficult, there are plenty of things I still need to learn about it as well. I wish I could offer myself as a writing partner but seeing as I’m working on my own story I have my hands full lol. But if you ever need coding help or have any questions about grammar, feel free to message me anytime! :hugs:

this is how ive ended episode 2

I can’t believe I have two kids by Victoria.
How am i gonna explain this to my parents.
How am I gonna explain this to Val.
I have to keep my kids and Victoria Safe.
Only way to ensure that happens is to stay away from them.
But one thing I’m sure of now more than ever.
I’m still very much in love with.
Arianna Moretti.
@transition fade out black 3

That all sounds good, but I am a bit confused seeing as I don’t know what all happens in ep2 to get to that point. Some very valuable advice I’ve heard and really take to heart is; make sure you take things very slow so that you can have more episodes and keep people wanting to know how things unfold ((pregnant by an engaged man is a big deal, especially with twins (I’m assuming) so play up the drama!)) I would also only show the one flash-forward in ep1 (present time) and then just continue playing out the past.

This narration will be really good eventually, (I would save it for much later in the story) but I would add question marks to the questions, make the ‘S’ in safe un-capitalized, add ‘The’ in front of “Only way to ensure that happens, (comma!) it to…”

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