Hi, here is my feedback.
STORY TITLE - is not original there are around 14 stories wit the same or similar name
COVER - nice I like it but I am not sure if it is really dragging the reader to try the story…seems to me that stories with characters on the cover seem more attractive to the readers
STORY DESCRIPTION - the being pulled by characters… I assume you meant story characters but honestly, it took me a bit time to get it :D…bu can be just because English is no my native language.
I must say I, in general, dislike thy type of intro where either author or character is explaining something to me instead of just getting straight to the story - why I do not like it? Because I believe if the story is good it doesn’t need any explanation before it starts.
Yours was an exception even in the moment she said we already lost some readers I thought yeah you will lose mee soon too… but then it turned to be actually part of the story and it was a pleasant turn.
Actually, the only thing I was missing was the music - I love when every scene has music it helps to get the feeling author intended to and scenes without music are for me always more boring in a way I would suggest to add …tho one who do not as it can always turn down the volume.
The hand overlays were great and super animated. Also the sky and falling down - mmmmmm I like the good directing ad you for sure have one.
Ha ha…OK I am invisible and thay do not hear me that is hilarious I really like the way you put me as a reader inside the story this way. Wery original.
Hmm…I wanted the apples yet one dollar was too much but in the next scene, there is no problem to go on icecream…bit inconsistent.
Hmm. I just cleaned the ice cream and my feeling from the "being a viewer bit changed in this moment - I do not have the feelig mine choices actually do have some impact …like making them dislike some sort of ice cream …and my thought bubbles in this moment are more like distraction from the two sis story. I would actually love in this moment to made some really bad choice for them …yeah I am mean but it would be fun to be really god in this story, which previously felt it will be but now it seems to me it will not.
In general - the characters and dialogues are really good written. Your story is catchy and directing way above average. I haven’t spotted any directing mistakes. The length of the episode was good and in general, the story caught my attention.
From the directing point of view, I was missing only the music. From the writing point of view, I am satisfied even I am a bit worried that what started as amazing innovation - me in the story as the viewer will start to be more like a distraction from what is going on with the girls, and that I might get fed up with “my” thought bubbles which do not relate to what I really think in that particular moment…I really hope I as the character will really see I have an impact on the story in the future, if not then I will be really disappointed.
But in this moment I am really interested in reading next chapter.
- CHAPTER 2
I still like the story of the girls but what I was worried of is happening.I was for the purpose of taking what seemed to me as wore choice nad it had no significant impact. like I was ironic and still got the job.
Also, I am not relating to “you” thoughts …and it, therefore, feels distractive…like when the red-haired is telling the sport guy he is nothing special and thought bubble of me looking for choice because I am supposedly wanting to change this…nah I AM NOT! There is a problem that me in the story is not at all as me so um…I start to have a problem to relate to it more and more. And because I like the main story of the girls I in this moment would prefer to not have that “you” character there telling me what am I supposed to think. If the reader is like the you he will love it I guess. I can see what kind of humor you are trying to bring there with it but still, it is bit distractive for me in this moment…I was hoping for more. like me invisible solving some mystery (I still hope it will become more interactive in future for “you”) but this starts to feel like normal story which only tries to look different from this view of a reader.
I still love your writing style, you are excellent writer and that doesn’t mean the story is bad or anything. I am just honestly sharing my feeling in the moment I read it because you wanted honest feedback.
- CHAPTER 3
I on purpose did all wrong regarding the coffe order and still seem I will have the job…so the feeling the “you” is somehouw important is totaly gon now, it is hart for me now to pla along with the “you” and it seem to me just like added character to make the tory bitt differnt…I start to thing were will something timetraveling shit start to happen…still anjoing the main story BTW.
I know it is very difficult to make meaningful choices which give feeling you really influence the story.problem is it is not working in yours for me I mean I did literally everything to piss of the mean woman and I still have the job, I feel now that the choices make only small alternations but do not affect the story which would be totally OK with normal story but seems to me not enough with the new “you” character…seems like totally cool idea and I still like it however I have feeling you could have pressed more out of it. Maybe if you would be using some point system and I would need to reach a certain number of points to get home I would be much more thinking about my choices and I would probably not gone all bad and evil (which now I am because I wanted to test the interactivity)
SUMMARY - excellent writing and directing - dialogues are good written nf the story flows smoothly. I bet lot of readers will really love the you character because it brings something new and brings some sort of humor to the story.
However, I have the feeling you didnt used it full potential. I would appreciate if I really would have felt my choices matter, which I do not have the would make from a good story which it already is a total bombshell.
Also in 3 chapter, I would honestly expect already in the girls story something time-traveling .atlas some hint that it will be really in the story…in this moment after 3 chapters I have the feeling you actually might do this forever and there will never be any time machine and just at the end there will be some scene making me returning back and if so I would be really disappointed.
Minor things I noticed - no CC - some readers migh get turned off by this…I personally do not need CC so I do not mind that much.
Also, I noticed that by the dark-skinned men you use a bit too light glossy lips …it loos bit like “blackface” to me and it seems to me bit darker lips would suit them better.
The last word - your story is really really good written, it was difficult to find what is not perfect and might have some improvement, but I did what I could to dig out some. hope it will help you.
lots of love from me.