Rate my dialogue?


#1

Hey! I’m currently writing a story and I just wanna know if this dialogue fits with the scene i’m doing. The scene is basically a flashback into the protagonist’s relationship with someone and how it affected the people in the relationship and outside of it. It’s in a poem form, and it’s from both sides of the couple. After this scene they’ll be a title card and it’ll be transitioned to the place where they met , a beach party. I haven’t added all the commands yet, so there isn’t NARRATOR commands and all that jazz. Hopefully someone can help me and see if this dialogue is any good? You can also give an opinion on the scene after this dialogue, cause i’m still not sure about it.

ELIJAH: My bedroom feels warm, but it’s cold outside. I could tell because of the foggy windows. It made me realize, that there are things you know, but can’t accept and that there are things you can feel, you sense, but can’t explain.
IVAN: I almost thought that our presence went hand in hand, like a slow dance that compliments a song that gets sung by an piano, but the sad reality? We were only two souls toying with each other’s lives, to change the actuality of them , just so we can fit into it.
ELIJAH: If I could choose, I would’ve chosen to be young forever, but not because of the greedy thought to be immortal, but to try again. Try to see if there was another way. To keep trying to see if it works. And maybe,if I could choose , I wouldn’t have failed and had to live with the realization that our love wasn’t strong enough to keep the anchor from being pulled up and letting the ships sail away.
IVAN: You were the cold outside.
ELIJAH: And I was the warmth in my bedroom.


#2

Wow, this actually touched me, especially the end :disappointed_relieved: You write beautifully. I think it would fit perfectly in the context that you described, and based off of this, I’d definitely read your story whenever you decide to publish!

Also, I really can’t help but say that your profile picture has me HOWLING.

:sparkling_heart:


#3

DNJEFJENHFUE tysm! I’m trying to write the whole day to see if I can finish some chapters, but if u want, I can tell you when it comes out? tysm by the way ! :heartbeat:


#4

Wow. I love that the dialogue is written like a duet, it makes the characters’ relationship seem closer and more intimate (if that makes sense haha).

I only have three suggestions (they're mostly grammar-based so feel free to ignore):
  • In the first line, try “there are things you can feel, you can sense, but can’t explain” or maybe “there are things you can feel, sense but not explain”
  • In the second line, maybe switch “just so we can fit into it” to “just so we could fit into it” so it fits with the rest of the sentence.
  • Lastly, in the fourth/fifth line, maybe Ivan should say “I was the cold outside”, or Elijah should say “You were the warmth in the bedroom”. Unless you wanted Elijah to be both warm/cold at the same time, though the way those lines are phrased, it seems like it should portray that they are both very different and contrasting.

If you ever publish this story, please tell me, I would love to read it. You are an amazingly talented writer and I can’t wait to see what else you come up with!


#5

Awww thank you so much! I honestly didn’t think my day would be made so fast lmao. I’d love to hear your suggestions, even if it’s grammar-based
:heart:


#6

You’re so welcome! :two_hearts::hugs: And YESS lmk when you publish!! I’ll be first in line to read it lol!


#7

UHNFREHFM i’d be sure to !


#8

Gurl, there is literally no concerns. It’s so perfect I can’t. It fits so well, good job boo
:sparkles::sparkles:
LAV IT. Can’t wait to read it lol i’ll probably die from your aesthetics. :revolving_hearts::heartbeat::two_hearts: LOVE YOU KEEP GOING BITXXH.


#9

iRMFEFIEF


#10

@epysky omg that is beautiful dang that really hit me plz continue writing that’s just amazingly wow :sob::sob::heart_eyes:
Wow that deserves an award no exaggeration


#11

FERFENHFUEBHNF TYSM FEJFE :heart:


#12

soo good wtf, literally nothing you could’ve done to make it better. you’re talented b :clap::clap:


#13

tysm!! :heart:


#14

and ur pfp shejkdhf tana is everything


#15

erjfefnnefne My pfp is a mood honestly


#16

tana is just a mood in general tbhh


#17

indeed


#18

Sounds really nice. I can definitely see this with some slow scene pans, sad music, etc.

Your grammar does a few flip-flops from past tense to present tense. I inverted it all to present tense here and adjusted some wording.

Not entirely sure about the “I” and the “you” in the last two lines.


#19

Oh, I see! Tysm! It helps alot ! :heart:


#20

lmao oops but i’ve changed the dialogue and storyline alot, so if anyone still want to read it i’ll send the link after i’m done with it !