Hey! I’m currently writing a story and I just wanna know if this dialogue fits with the scene i’m doing. The scene is basically a flashback into the protagonist’s relationship with someone and how it affected the people in the relationship and outside of it. It’s in a poem form, and it’s from both sides of the couple. After this scene they’ll be a title card and it’ll be transitioned to the place where they met , a beach party. I haven’t added all the commands yet, so there isn’t NARRATOR commands and all that jazz. Hopefully someone can help me and see if this dialogue is any good? You can also give an opinion on the scene after this dialogue, cause i’m still not sure about it.
ELIJAH: My bedroom feels warm, but it’s cold outside. I could tell because of the foggy windows. It made me realize, that there are things you know, but can’t accept and that there are things you can feel, you sense, but can’t explain.
IVAN: I almost thought that our presence went hand in hand, like a slow dance that compliments a song that gets sung by an piano, but the sad reality? We were only two souls toying with each other’s lives, to change the actuality of them , just so we can fit into it.
ELIJAH: If I could choose, I would’ve chosen to be young forever, but not because of the greedy thought to be immortal, but to try again. Try to see if there was another way. To keep trying to see if it works. And maybe,if I could choose , I wouldn’t have failed and had to live with the realization that our love wasn’t strong enough to keep the anchor from being pulled up and letting the ships sail away.
IVAN: You were the cold outside.
ELIJAH: And I was the warmth in my bedroom.