READ FOR READ (I'll give you some feedback too!)

Thank you I will :white_heart:

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Just chapter 1 ?

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Hey! Here’s my story:
Story: OVERDOSED
Author: Ali
Link:http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4629538390343680

Description: Her mom’s a drunk
Her dad left
Drama follows her everywhere
What happens when Christina meets the biggest drug lord in Toronto
Will things change for the good or for the bad?

**Category:**Drama/Romance

# of Chapters released: 6, with more coming soon!

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Hi!! I would love to read and give feedback on three of your chapters! All you have to do is send me a screenshot of you reading chapter one of my story “Dear Luna”. The link should be at the very top of the thread!

STORY NAME : ”Perfectly Flawed”

AUTHOR : Ekaterine

GENRE : Romance

Please keep in mind that I am in no way bashing your story and hard work. I am just trying to give you my honest thoughts! :two_hearts:

So, here you go:

Plot

I find the idea of starting over after losing everything is so heartbreaking but also so intriguing! I feel that your story could go in so many directions with this foundation in place!

Directing

You mentioned to me that this is an area you are currently working to improve–which is a great thing! I can tell you that with experience and lots of trial and error on your own, you will only grow and build upon your directing skills!

I have a few recommendations and errors I caught that may help enhance your story!

  • Use the “&” sign to have characters performing animations while the script continues. This comes in handy if you want characters to react to someone speaking, or just do something in the background while the main events take place. Specifically, I noticed in your story that many of your characters were idle/not animated while others were talking–this made them feel very robotic. Here’s an idea of something you can code into your story:

&MOM is eyeroll_sarcastic
JESSE (talk_accuse_angry)
You can’t control my life anymore Mom!

**Here, the Mom will eye roll at the same time Jesse is speaking to her! This makes their interaction much more life-like since the “&” can make them react to each other.

  • I recommend adding background music! Especially in chapter one while we customize characters! Here’s an example of the coding you can use with fades:
  • Lastly, here are some typos I caught:

In the Q&A from chapter 1, a question said: “How any LI?” When it should be “How many LI”

At the end of the Q&A, it says: “Are you sure you’re done asking reading ?”
(You should delete “reading”)

Character Development

  • I like how in such a short time we’ve seen Jesse go from the controlled daughter in the shadows to a confident and independent woman! I feel that Jesse’s backstory could have some interesting implications on her future/future relationships. For example, since she grew up being told who she should be, maybe in the future she will react negatively to any professors/friends/significant others who have controlling tendencies!
  • Although on the flip side, I feel that her path to independence was glossed over! I would love to read chapters dedicated to her learning the ropes of living alone! As well as the real struggle she must have endured making a name for herself, especially after being completely shut off financially.

Final Thoughts

I always love a confident female lead!! I am really hoping she finds her own version of success and happiness, outside of what her parents had in mind for her.

Keep up the hard work @Ekaterine and thank you for submitting your story to the thread!

-Ms. P

100%75%50%

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Than you so much for the review I really like how you did not sugarcoat :white_heart: i will try and make everything perfect :star_struck:

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Thank you so much for offering a thread like this! I have sent you a screenshot on Instagram

This is my story :two_hearts:

AUTHOR: Tabby

GENRE: Romance & Drama

STYLE: Limelight

EPISODES: 7 (more coming soon)

DESCRIPTION: When you get the job of your dreams, you are faced with a colleague who is more than challenging. Will he break you, or end up breaking down his own walls trying?

LINK: Bad for Business

INSTAGRAM: @Tabiso.stories

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No problem! Do remember that a lot of my feedback was only recommendations! It is your story at the end of the day, so feel free to take my words with a grain of salt and keep what resonates with your own vision for the story! :heart:

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Trust me I have gotten many horrible reviews and I’m trying to fix everything the spelling I am checking and the & symbol I am using more. Jesses “evolution is going to be featured in the next chapters :white_heart:

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STORY NAME: ”OVERDOSED”

AUTHOR: Ali

GENRE: Drama

Please keep in mind that I am in no way bashing your story and hard work. I am just trying to give you my honest thoughts! :two_hearts:

So, here you go:

Plot

Wow! So much has happened in just the three chapters I’ve read! You’ve definitely kept the audience’s attention with all the plot twists and drama!

Directing

In comparison to the well-developed plot, I feel that directing is your vice. But don’t worry! With more experience, your skills can only improve! For now, here are some recommendations and errors I caught that may help enhance your story!

  • I recommend adding background music! Especially in chapter one while we customize characters! Here’s an example of the coding you can use to add music with fades:
  • Your characters appear on screen a few seconds late. To fix this, try using “&” instead of “@”. Here is an example of what you may have coded versus what may fix the error:

INT. BLUE SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

@CHRISTINA spot 0.668 35 223 in zone 1 and CHRISTINA faces right and CHRISTINA is idle_armscrossed_neutral_loop

@MOM spot 1.037 198 65 in zone 1 and MOM faces right and MOM is talk_neutral

@transition fade in black 2

VERSUS (what should fix things):

INT. BLUE SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

&CHRISTINA spot 0.668 35 223 in zone 1 and CHRISTINA faces right and CHRISTINA is idle_armscrossed_neutral_loo AND MOM spot 1.037 198 65 in zone 1 AND MOM faces right AND MOM is talk_neutral
@transition fade in black 2

**Here you can see I put the “&” sign at the beginning and then grouped everything else together using “AND”. This is just to make the script shorter, but you could also code like this:

INT. BLUE SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

&CHRISTINA spot 0.668 35 223 in zone 1 and CHRISTINA faces right and CHRISTINA is idle_armscrossed_neutral_loop

&MOM spot 1.037 198 65 in zone 1 and MOM faces right and MOM is talk_neutral

@transition fade in black 2

**As long as you use “&”s, this should fix the problem!

*Here are some more minor errors I noticed:

-Scaling issues: In many scenes, some characters’ proportions were off. For example, Christina’s body was huge compared to Ben in a scene, so pay attention to scaling when you place characters! It can give your story a much more realistic feel!

-In chapter 2 Seb is layered behind Chris while she is laying on the bed. To fix this have your characters move to different layers. For example:

INT. BLUE SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

&CHRISTINA stands screen right AND CHRISTINA faces left AND CHRISTINA is idle_lay_awake_neutral_loop AND CHRISTINA moves to layer 2 AND SEBASTIAN stands screen left AND SEBASTIAN faces right AND SEBASTIAN moves to layer 3

**As Sebastian enters use “AND” to also have him move layers!

Character Development

  • I really sympathize with all that Christina has been through, as her trauma makes us readers want to root for her! I can also see how her past actions have impacted her present circumstances–this gives reason to why she attaches so quickly to Sebastian (he offers her a happy escape from her tough life).

  • On the contrary, I find Sebastian’s fascination with Christina at the beginning a bit confusing. Especially as he is the leader of the gang (I was confused as to how he had so much time to visit her, and why he would want to anyway–since taking captives seems to be commonplace in his world). This was touched on briefly from his point of view, but his small remarks about her didn’t match up with his grand actions for her.

  • This meaning, that I feel like their relationship is very fast-paced! I personally would like to see less of an attachment so early on (from Seb’s side), if that makes sense. Maybe if he told Chris he couldn’t get involved with her–because that could put her in danger. Yet slowly as they spent more time together, he gives in! BUT, this is more of a personal preference of how I would want the story to go–I’m a sucker for slow burns! So feel free to keep or change this dynamic however you like! These were just my honest thoughts on their relationship so far.

Final Thoughts

What an action-packed story with plot twists I didn’t see coming!

Keep up the hard work @Aliwritess and thank you for submitting your story to the thread!

-Ms. P

2 Likes

Thank you so much! I totally agree with you that Seb and Christina’s relationship was a bit rushed. I’m currently trying to work that out. But thank you so much for your time and effort I really appreciate it :heart:

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STORY NAME: ”Bad for Business”

AUTHOR: Tabby

GENRE: Romance

Please keep in mind that I am in no way bashing your story and hard work. I am just trying to give you my honest thoughts! :two_hearts:

So, here you go:

Plot

What a great first impression of your story! I felt that your description and art covers for your story were extremely click-baitable! As for the actual plot–BRAVO! I am in love with how you’ve progressed your way into the main plot of your story! In other words, the pacing so far is perfect–it’s very clear how much thought and effort you’ve put into your story! :clapping:

Directing

You really used this area to your advantage! All your custom overlays and text effects really made the reading experience more immersive! There are only a few minor errors/recommendations I have for you here:

  • When we try on outfits (specifically in chapter 1), code in a pause so readers can see the outfit before we choose to wear it or not. I totally get that this may be a choice you made on purpose( to make dressing games short), but I think you should at least give the reader a second or two to see the clothes without speech bubbles in the way!

  • There were a few scenes where I thought some more background characters would be a nice touch! Specifically, when Abigail arrived at the building she always wanted to work at-- no one was walking around and when she was outside looking up or when she walked inside. I also thought one or two background characters walking across the screen would look nice during the flashbacks in chapter 1 (when she recalls a series of other jobs she applied to and was rejected from).

  • A larger theme I noticed in your writing was how a character would walk to their spot on screen and then idle a bit before performing an animation! Try using “THEN” to have characters walk to a spot and then immediately do their animation to eliminate these awkward pauses (especially in chapter one). Here’s an example of what the coding could look like in your script:

@ABIGAIL walks to spot 1.586 169 -77 in zone 2 in 3 THEN ABIGAL is idle_armscrossed_neutral_loop

**This will have her walk to the spot and then perform her animation right after! This should clear up any awkward pauses!

  • Lastly, just a small error I caught. Specifically, in chapter 2 in the scene where Charles tells Patrick that Abigail got to the job, as the scene closes and Patrick and Abigail walk off-screen they don’t fully exit-- I could still see them! This exiting error occurred a few other times in chapters 1-3, but I didn’t write down any other specific examples. So overall, be sure to pay close attention to your spot directing when having characters exit the stage!

Character Development

I sound like a broken record at this point, but WOW! In just three chapters I feel so connected to Abigail’s world and character!

  • I especially love Abigail’s bond with her parents! It seems that they are not only her Mom and Dad but also her close friends! I can only speculate that this is because Abigail worked so hard in school that she may have isolated herself socially from her classmates/possible love interests? Going off of that thought, I’m curious if the reason Abigail’s mom is so involved and shelters her so much is because of some life events that happened to her when she was Abigail’s age? I would love to have these questions answered somewhere in the storyline!

Final Thoughts

I’ve been hooked and can’t wait to continue reading! Your story is the full package deal, great job!

Keep up the hard work @Tabiso.stories and thank you for submitting your story to the thread!
-Ms. P

Thank you so much for all the great advice! :heart:

I think what you’re doing here in this thread is amazing! It’s hard as a small and new author to get valid feedback like this.

I agree with all that you’ve said here.

Thank you for taking the time to help me make my story better :pray: