Read the pilot of my first episdode - honest constructive critisim needed

[wowepisodecool]

I recently finished the first episode of my new story. Episode Writer Portal (episodeinteractive.com) <— Link is found here.

I would like you guys to read and tell me what you like, what you wish could be clarified more, what you wish could be more worked on - its my first story so I am bound to make mistakes. Please BE HONEST. I want the very best for my story so don’t hold back (unless its unconstructive).
If you go into the story and you see a kitchen scene RESTART EPISODE to start from beginning. It should be a BNW scene from the start!

The story part of the episode is done, it is missing credits, outro.

EDIT: The pilot is a bit shorter than originally intended but I didn’t want to make it too much!

[Stormsky]

I beta read for a few authors, but I can’t open your link

[wowepisodecool]

Ok please give me a second. Maybe it can’t be opened because Episode hasn’t accepted all my backgrounds yet giving me an error.

[Stormsky]

I’ve never been able to open links on here unless they’re sent to me on Instagram…I think it’s due to me only using iPad. So others may be ok to open your link.

[wowepisodecool]

I can send you the link on Instagram!

[Stormsky]

Ok, this is my insta

[Kieran]

Idk if im tripping but i couldn’t help but notice when she went upstairs and she got the jewel box

You put another character with purple eyes when you could have done this

@CHARACTER previews eyesColor (Color)
@CHARACTER unpreviews eyesColor (Color)

So ive finshed and i liked it! How it ended kn the cliffhanger, cant wait for more episodes.

Just maybe try not to make her dad use the default clothing.

Also maybe when we pick a choice thay matter a message title woukd be nice saying. +1 gut or something then in the readersmessage you could do ,whatever u wanna say to the reader

[LadyGraci]

I’m reading it rn, I will dm you once I’ve finished writing my comments

[wowepisodecool]

Oh thank you! I’ll edit it

EDIT: I fixed per your suggestions and it’s looking much better!

[louisewrites]

I loved the beginning! It was very hooking.

• For me, the part where the cloaked creature said something along the lines of “You cannot escape your destiny…” turned my eyes a lot. I couldn’t read it all at once. Maybe tone down the flashing?

• Also, I didn’t even know if I got the point or not so I replayed lol.

Not major: I’m not sure if this was on purpose or not but guts had no color like the other two.

• When Celeste enters the building, she says “I did not expect the inside too look this fancy”. The word is supposed to be “to”.

• There were 2 different backgrounds with the secret door opened and closed so you could have taken advantage of that by having Celeste walk a bit into the door before changing the background, rather than her just disappearing.

• Everything @Kieran said.

• Plot wise, I’m intrigued. A bit of confusion here and there, but hoping it would be clear in coming episodes.

[Stormsky]

I have sent my review to you on insta

[wowepisodecool]

First, thank you so much for taking the time to read my story! Could you clarify where you are confused so I can clear it up in the polishing of the episode. I will def work on the secret door part and for the guts I tried to put a filter but it didn’t work. BTW thanks for pointing out my spelling error, when I type to fast I tend to misspell a lot. I’ll also tone down the flashing to make it more enjoyable AGAIN HUGE THANKS FOR WRITING THIS FEEDBACK <3
EDIT : I fixed the colour filter for “guts”