This review is based on my personal opinion and is meant to provide the author with honest feedback to help them improve their story. This review is not meant to hurt anyone’s feelings or discourage them from writing. Since you requested it to be “brutally honest,” this review will reflect that.
Review for - Hidden Luna by Jess
Plot (6/10): In all honesty, I really could not understand what the plot of your story is just based on this first chapter. It seemed like a mix of random, chopped up events occurring to the main character instead of ones that flowed together to make a cohesive storyline. Maybe sprucing this up and considering which scenes are really needed to further the plot and which are not will help add some clarity to your storyline.
Directing (5/10) Your directing could maybe use some fixing up. Your spot directing was good in most scenes, however, in the scene where Lola and Alexis are standing outside by their car, they look way too big compared to the house behind them. Just working on scaling them better compared to their surroundings will help make this scene look better. There were also two instances where I noticed that characters randomly popped up on the screen. Here are screenshots of them…
Screenshots
In the first photo, Lola popped up on the screen. In the second one, Lola and Alexis and the car overlay all popped up on screen. Going through your script and making sure you placed them before your transition using the & symbol instead of after the transition with the @ symbol will really help this!
Your walking animations were smooth which helped maintain the flow of your story.
Your zooms and transitions were well executed and didn’t glitch at all. Your use of overlays in your introduction was also very good! At times your speech bubbles were pointing in the wrong direction, however. In the scene where Lola talks to the boy she just met in the campus gardens, the speech bubbles sometimes pointed to the wrong character than the one who was currently speaking. In addition, in this particular scene, the animations seemed to be a little off. Even though your characters were talking, they were not doing talking animations. This looked a little awkward and made your story a bit hard to follow at this point. Just changing these animations to better fit the scene will help you out a lot.
All in all, just making these little changes will help make your directing look amazing!
Spelling/Sentence Structure/Grammar (9/10): Your spelling, grammar, and sentence structure were executed well. There were a few instances where apostrophes were missing from words indicating possession. Other than that, there were no major errors that distracted from your story.
Diversity (5/10): Based on just the pilot chapter, I really wish there had been more representation among your cast of characters. There really weren’t any differences among them in regards to race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, etc. While some customization was allowed, this does not necessarily count as diversity.
Character Development (6/10): Based off the first chapter, a reader can learn a decent amount of information about Lola, the main character. We learned about how she can’t let anyone else know why her eyes are purple, that she lives with an abusive father, and that she has a plan to escape. However, I wish we had been given a few more clues about her personality through her interactions with others. Also, I wish we had gotten to learn more about Alexis, where she came from, and what she’s like. Just adding more details about these characters through their interactions with each other will really help make them easier to connect with.
Length of Chapter (5/10): This chapter was an okay length. It took me only about 10 minutes to read it. Personally, I have seen that most readers appreciate when authors aim to make their episodes about 15-20 minutes so, if you can, I would recommend making this episode a little longer to really attract their attention.
Choices (6/10): There weren’t really any choices in this episode. We only really had the option to choose our outfit, hair, and makeup which was nice but doesn’t really affect the story. Also, in your dressing game, I would recommend adding names for each of your outfit choices instead of just putting, “outfit 1,” “outfit 2,” etc. This will make it easier for your readers to know which outfit they’ll choosing. Also, maybe adding a few more choices here and there will help your readers become more immersed in your story.
Use of Sounds and Music (5/10): You didn’t use any sounds or music in this episode. While I understand that some readers do not like to read stories with sound, it almost felt as if something was lacking. At least adding some music in your introduction of the characters will really help improve the feeling of your story.
Genre Fit (8/10): This story was placed in the Romance genre and I honestly can’t tell if it belonged there or not based on just the pilot chapter. Based off the pilot chapter alone, there were a few indications that this story will lead to a romance but I’m not completely sure.
Story Description (10/10): Your story description is great and gave me some insight as to what to expect from your story. I really like the last line about it maybe being better to be a lone wolf sometimes. This really helped gain my attention and drew me in to your story.
Overall Score (73/100): 73%
Thank you for requesting on my thread. I hope this review has helped you! I hope this didn’t come across as too harsh or discouraging. I know that you’re currently working on revamping this story so I wanted to let you know everything I noticed to help you do so! If you have any questions about this review, I’d be happy to try to answer them. If you would still like this review to be posted on my Instagram, please send me your username so I can tag you 
