Review and Feedback on my story


#1

I want to improve and edit my story a bit before I continue on with my next chapters. I’d like to see what others think of my story and show me what it might be lacking.


#2

I‘ll read your story and give you some feedback :slight_smile:


#3

Ok Thank you.


#4

I think that your plot is very interesting and refreshing.

Chapter 1:
I liked the customisation template at the beginning.
When Jane was talking, saying that she’s sure she’ll succeed, you could zoom on her body to make it more mysterious.
When Luna says that she sees “nothing” it’s a bit weird…I mean the couch and the window.
You could make her look out of the window and see if she’s in a small/ big city.

Chapter 2:
This chapter entertained me pretty well.
But at the beginning of the chapter you could say who the person is who is being costumised.
There are also some dialogues which don’t have any talking animations.
Yet again, there are thinking monologues with talking animations. It’s a bit confusing.

Chapter 3:
Again, you could use a reader message to tell the readers who they are costumising.
I noticed that at the beginning they are standing in another zone than at the ending of the last chapter.
Also after Luna fades and wakes up 3 hours later it seems like Jane has been standing there the entire time.

General advice:
I think that the intro could be improved by showing how she was kindnapped or something like that.
I’d prefer to have longer chapters.
You could put more information about characters in your chapter, more chances to exlore the world of Luna.
Maybe let her look into a mirror?! Starting investigating the scene, finding clues, walking around the house, looking for clues, failing to find clues after a while or at the beginning, finding a secret room or something…(maybe finding other people?)
You see there is a lot of things you can do :blush:

Anyways…
I really liked your story, it could use some improvements here and there, but it’s worth spending a pass after all.
I added it to my favourites list.

Little side note:
Ask on the forums if someone could make a cover for you.
There are a lot of people who do this stuff for free.
You simply need to ask!

Greetings,
Laura Knox. :slight_smile:


#5

Also you can check out my thread if you want to promote your story :wink:


#6

Thank you very much for the review and your advice. I’ll fix those issues and try to improve on the story. I’ll also look into getting a good cover.


#7

I’ll check out your thread.