Review my First Chapter? - GeordanWrites

I am currently working on an entry into the Magicka contest! I’ve already started on the second episode, but I would feel MUCH more confident if someone could review JUST the first chapter and let me know if my story is confusing or hard to follow. If it is, I would love some constructive feedback! I just need another pair of eyes to review my work. Thank you!

It’s called “Magicka: Secret Window.”
Here is the link:

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I will review it!

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Here’s your review. :grinning:

Errors
  • The bartender slides when he enters.

  • I think you can check if the bartender has talking animations again because i’m not sure.

Thoughts
  • When the title screen came up i wasn’t sure if i had to tap the screen or not so maybe put Tap the screen to continue.

  • I don’t know how to use a silhouette character so it’s cool that you did.

  • It’s cool that the words that they said had opposite meanings.

  • I picked the choice where MC wants the person inspecting the house to leave, and the authors note said that she was being rude. I didn’t personally think she was being rude because the inspecting person came really late. Kind of hard to explain lol

  • Really nice directing and there was BARELY ANY directing errors!

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Thank you so much for your thoughts! I will take them into consideration… and I was thinking about whether I should change some things about the bartender or not. I appreciate you for the kind words, and will fix the story around the pointers you gave me. Thanks again!

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You’re welcome :grinning:

Your story sounds good but my F***ing phone doesnt wanna charge.

I hate iphones :cry:

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It’s alright!

Moved to Share Feedback since you’re asking for reviews. Make sure to check out our Forum Tutorial for more info about creating topics, and feel free to PM me if you’ve got questions. :wink:

Its good i can read now

The first thing that caught my attention is the customization

  1. Not all but some people like me usually like to see the skin tone ex: rose, copper,etc
  2. I see the customization isn’t fully updated I personally have to force myself to update them
    If you need help finding the template for it you can go to Dara Amarie’s website
    https://www.dara-amarie.com/

The second thing which is more of a slip up on the part when she’s in the club she say’s something along the lines of “how would there be a basement inside my house” but im pretty sure u meant apartment

Other than those small little minor details the story was actually great and I would read if we’re being honest

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I will fix those little things… thank you for the review! :slight_smile:

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