Review My Story, Just Made a Bunch of Updates, Season Finale out

I’d love to get some more feedback on my story I’ve recently changed some things and would generally like to know how you feel about the characters. Also if you notice any grammatical mistakes please point them out to me and let me know!
Often times when reading something you’ve written since you know what to expect your brain will actually imagine what should be there instead of what’s actually there. It’s an actual thing and it’s annoying when you’re trying to edit your own story. Though, things like no periods, starting sentences with And or But etc are done on purpose though. Otherwise please let me know!

Title of Story: Zartrensa: Hearts of War
Author: Clarkie
Genre: Drama
Description: Zartrensa is a country in Carosa that has been at war for 100 years. Will the marriage of Princess Cassandra save her country? What secrets will she learn?
CC/Choices Matter/LGBT
also check out my insta for a sneak peak of episode 5!

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Hello there,

I read the first chapter of your story last night, I didn’t get a chance to read the other chapter, but I will let you know what I think of the first chapter.

First, I noticed that Zartrensa was spelled wrong, during the character customization. It was spelled Zar(e)trensa.
When the story is first starting Cassandra is standing off to the side and then moves to the middle, which I found a bit weird. In my opinion, it would be better to have her standing in the middle, instead of walking to the center.
There is a lot of exposition in chapter 1, like a ton. I would space out some of the explanations.
You also mention things in the first episode, but don’t explain them. For example: what is the liminal?
I would include more movement of characters who aren’t speaking. Maybe like the shifting or listening behavior.
I noticed a few places where you could use a comma, I also noticed that you didn’t use an apostrophe in country’s.
Last thing is that when two characters were running, there was dialogue involved which caused the characters to stop running mid sentence. I would fix this.

Overall, great story. I can’t wait to read the next chapter.

I hope this wasn’t too harsh and that it helps you help.

Thanks for pointing out the misspell of Zartrensa!!! I’ve read it so many times but I never even noticed that!
I also cleaned up Cassandra and Anabarta’s walking. I first tried to make this on the app about a year ago and I had no idea what I was doing :sweat_smile:
Also liminal is a word like “a liminal space”
Also I’ve added more movements for when characters aren’t talking like you suggested! :grin:
I actually can’t fix the running part. Episode has a talk while running action and that’s what I used, however it only cycles for a little bit and then stops causing the characters to freeze until you tap that you’re done with the dialogue :confused:
Thank so much for your feedback!!! You made a lot of really great points! I may think about having the characters stop running completely when they talk.
Also I will go through and try to find those places where I might like a comma! Thank you!
I will also look into making the scenes a bit longer in some places so it doesn’t feel like exposition after exposition

Check out my new story The sin AND Fatal trouble
Also follow my Instagram: Chanel.3pisode

Closing due to one month of inactivity :slight_smile: