Review my story please?!

[Sasha.danverse]

Hey guys I just published my story! And I really want somebody to read and give me his opinion about it .
I would be so happy if somebody would to like to review it <3

[meghanwrites]

What’s it called?

[Sasha.danverse]

Here’s it is, it’s called “The lake of wonders”.
link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6402530553954304

[meghanwrites]

Looks cool!

What kind of review do you want? Short, long etc

[Sasha.danverse]

Um I don’t know, I think short. As you like.

[meghanwrites]

Cool

[Sasha.danverse]

Hey meghan! Did you check out my story? Do you like it?

[meghanwrites]

Ahh I completely forgot sorry

I’ll get back to you tomorrow, pinky promise

[Sasha.danverse]

No it’s okay I’ll be waiting!

[meghanwrites]

So, I like the story so far. I am only on episode 3 but I felt bad for making you wait

Things I like in the story so far:

1. The choices - I like how you can chose what kind of person you want your character to be. For example, I’ve decided that I like parties, and am not going to be a pushover. I don’t know if these choices affect later scenes, but if they do then even better!
2. The suspense! I want to know what happened between Camilla and steph (I live for tea lol), and what’s with the nightmares? I wanna know, so I’m definitely gonna finish the story.
3. The character personalities. Even though some seem a tad cliche, I still like most of them.

Some things I think you could improve

1. instead of saying ‘SOUND: bell ring’, you could code it int the script so that the sound plays.
2. I get that steph’s minions are supposed to be mindless zombies that follow her around, but I think there is a lot of potential for them to have some development - an argument with steph maybe? A disagreement with her? Siding with the mc occasionally? I just think it would make them more realistic. Same goes for steph, give her some kind of reason for being how she is. Why is she ean? What happened between her and Camilla? etc
3. When they arrive at the party, why wasn’t there a choice to let loose and have fun?

[Sasha.danverse]

I’m so HAPPY that you liked it!!! I’m literally crying now cause I thought it was very bad and lately i feel like there’s no motivation for me to write BUT THANK YOU so much!!! I will definitely add the sounds, should I put like a background music? Will it be okay?
And yeah! you’re right I should give some role to Steph’s friends cause they’re like mindless zombies as you said.
But you should keep reading cause there’s something unexpected that’s gonna happen and it will change the whole rythme of the story so be READY!
And thank you SO MUCH!

[meghanwrites]

@Sasha.danverse

And thank you SO MUCH!

Thanking someone for being honest
What has the world come to

[Sasha.danverse]

No I’m thanking you for giving time to read it that’s all

[meghanwrites]

it’s np

[Sasha.danverse]

Hey Meghan! Did you finish reading? Cause I’m excited to know your opinion about it?

[Farah_DeSantis]

Hi here is my feedback.

It is meant to help you improve the story and in no way it is meant to discourage you.
But I tend to write as the thoughts really come to me when I read it.

1. COVER - is really wonderfull have nothing to say about improvement there.

2. DESCRIPTION - sounds understanding and atractive

3)CHAPTER 1

Not that it is a must but I missed a bit some intro…
I missed music in the opening scene - there would fit some news headline music before the reporter starts to spek.would help to drag the reader right in
I noticed a glitch of an overlay - the picture of missing girl - guess wrongly set the creating and resizing of the overlay in this case
I liked the photos you added to the wall. I would prefer custom background but this showed me you do care to make it original

The narrator “Hi I am…” it is bit unnecessary, all that can be shown to reader in more interesting way throug dialogue.But It was not that long to annoy me.

I liked you made the hall crowded but some of the background characters were stick in end of animation…for background character is beter to use eather loop animations or simply change their animation to not make them look like frozen dolls.

Speachbubless - seems you do not spott them and therefore thay sometimes point on wrong person- like when CAMILA speaks it point on MC.
I liked the small tallk, we already know Camila is nice and we can I guess become friends.

IN class - the characters bit popped up on screan instead of being there from start - I would check your script if there is not some @ where & should be.
She goes sit next to the boy but nothing alse happens in the class…in this moment I would actually like to know what she thinks about him…we had chance to customize him so he might be important but so far MC sems to not give a fuck about him:) Here is in my openion place for some small narrator .like she thinks he is cute or reserved or rude or sweet what ever is there I would like to know.
Cafeteria - glitch book aperas in hand of bacground character after she is placed so she for a second stands in this weird pose reading without having anything in hands.
Sometime you use such animations that the character still moves mouth even he stopped to speak.
Aha clasical cliche mean girl and her minions… well I have it also in my story but still it is a cliche.
When looking on the most inteligent girls…if you would slowly shift the front characters to side instead of instantly removing them from view you would got more interesting efect.

pan to the house - wronglx used transition so iI se for a second the house after the transition before it jumps to the room.

Givig mum a hud MC stands on mums feets.

your pans are for my taste bit too quick. and in this moment I feel a lot the lack of music. bedrrom agin it looked like wrong transition or it was too quick or I dont know but instead as transition it looked bit like glitch for second.

Next moring gain wrong seting the character you use @ instead of & co the bed is empty and the after second MC apears in it…this is not visible in portal so I recomand you to test your story always in app where you can see this things better.

I cant really tell the lenght of first episode because I was writing donw this notes but it sem to me reather short. And not really much has happend.there was some kind of clifhanger but I didnt had that uch time with Camila to realy bond with her. 1 chapters is the msot important because it usally decides if the reader stays, its for free but everybody will think twice to spend passes if he didnt fall fot the sotry in first chapter.

Your directing is above avarge and also the plot didnt had any ilogical part but it was not jujcy enough. I didnd bondend so far with MC…,despite that the story has potential and you are for sure somebod who can develope easilly his writting.

The glitches I mentioned above ware more of a smaller impact lot of readers will probalby not notice so I would recomand to aim mostl on story and characters developing.

We got there boy we could customize so I wuld definitly add some MC iner thought and some intraction with him , I woud make momd daughter discussion bit longer so we will from the small talk know better what kind of relationship thay have.the same goes for Camila…it was interesting but not enoug…you can show me for example how mean girl treats her, and let MC help her so the girls will be more bonding for example.

Also you showd me the clever girls but MC had no interaction with them so after the chater I would not be able at all tell which one was which bacouse accept the main bitch there was nothing memorabla hapening with them …
Also we got that opening scene with missing girl but onestly I now dont know who was missing and why the scene was even there…was it MC missing and that was some scene from future? Or some other girl? if other girl than why there was nothing about hr in the rest of the chapter?

So this are my thoughts on your first episode.

Hope it will help you.

And if you do not agree feel free to ignore what I wrote.

[Sasha.danverse]

Thank you so much Farah for giving time to read my story! It means the world to me!
I will defintely go and add some sounds and espacially in the begenning. And you’re right about Keven, MC should’ve gave some thoughts about him. And I know maybe the chapter was boring somehow but If you keep readig till chapter 5, there’ll be something that changes the whole story rythme. So please read till the end, just give it a chance please!!! I worked so hard on this and everytime I ask people to read it they just don’t reply. Is it that bad?
But thank you again Farah for your honesty, it really helps to make my story better.

[Farah_DeSantis]

Hi I can give you feedback on next chapters if you want but it is in my openion necessary and esential that you will improve the first one.

Reader must get hooked… he will not spend passes till chapter 5 if he is bit bored.

It doesnt men you need to ad more plot twists in 1 episode but you in my openion have to develop current scenes / plots.

It is not bad I have done feedback for several stories and have seen some really bad one. But it is still missing something to make the reader read on.

the competition between new stories is high and till your story reaches some fan base big enough it is practicly invisible on the app for the common readers so it might sound unfair but as a starting writter you have to be better in writting than many already popular stories to even got noticed.

I was lucky that my first story slowly created fan base and now I have around 2000regular readers who always come back and read new released chapter. But this didnt happened over night and I had to redo my story on the begining.

I realised that as author because I knew what I wanted to express I am not able to be objective in seeing that it is really there also for the reader.

Read some popular stories or simply stories you like and studdy the first chapter try for yourself define what and why you liked why would you go on to next chapter… Do not coppy but learn from them.

[Sasha.danverse]

Yes you’re totally right! I should improve chapter 1. Thank you so much for helping me, I mean you’re so nice to me . I will do my best to make chapter 1 more intersting and make the reader get hooked.

[Farah_DeSantis]

I just read 2 chapter. I was not anymore doing notes about the directing. There wase some small glitches similar as in 1 episode but nothing dramatic.

But now without the notes I can confirm that the chapter was extremly short. So I guess the first one was too.

This is big problem.

Reader is really unhappy when he spends passes on short chapters. The most stories are berween 10-15 minutes of reading time per chapter. And I strongly recomand you to reach at last this lenght.

I do my chapters around 15minutes and never got complain on short chapters.

I do it so that I really measure how long I read it because sometimes number of lines can be misleading because of overlays and choices.

I would actually say that the whole 2 chapter could have been part of the 1 one.

From storry teling point of view. I had no chance to see what mean girl really do to C nodialogue between mean girl and Camila but MC anyway stepped in… I believe you have zo add somedialogue or action before she devides to help her. I mean we do not really know what happened. Second the boy who helped we didnt got chance to customize him so he is probably not mail love interest but he is much more interesting (for me as reader) as the guy in the class.

Also because there was not much interaction nor any thoughts of mc about him it was bit out of the blue that she was asking about him.

Here starts to be more vidible the lack of relationship developing because I as readed am totaly not interested in the shy huy because you havent shown me anything I could relate to regarding him. There was short dialogue with him but it didt rised my curiosity. I as reader am interested only in the blond guy because he as knight in shiny armor actually helped me ad my fried with the mean girl.

But better to make it really clear the bigest problem is the lenght. It is so short that being regular reader I would not go on.

Remember thay have to wait 4 hours for new passes. And are really not happy when thay do not get the entertiment thay are used to.