Hello @katherinereid27, I’m Sydney the moderator. Welcome to the forum! I’ve moved this thread to Share Feedback since you’re asking for reviews. Make sure to check out our Forum Tutorial for more info about creating topics, and feel free to PM me if you’ve got questions.
Hey everyone! I just published a story and would really like to get it out of there. I would love if someone could review it and tell me what they think in the comments. Constructive criticism is welcome!!
‘All her life, Katie has pushed people away. However, when Katie meets Leon, her world changes forever. Can she learn to forget her past and finally forgive herself?’
It’s a story about redemption, coming-of-age, and finally forgiving yourself through the love and support of others.
Just read the first two chapters of your story. I gotta say, it’s pretty well directed! The animations and spot directing are on point and I’m surprised that this is your first story.
The narrated descriptions for the scenes are well written. Even though these character designs are copied and pasted all over the app, your descriptions helped them feel more alive and unique.
The dialogue is a bit choppy in some parts though. For example in episode two you have a scene where Leon is showing Katie around school. While he’s showing her the lunch room / history room he randomly springs the question, “Want to see the gazebo?”
It felt awkward and random to me compared to the rest of the dialogue. If you wanted to rewrite it I’d suggest you have Leon say something like, “If you think our lunch/history room is so nice you should see our gardens. There’s a beautiful gazebo I love relaxing in during my free period. I can show you the spot if you’d like?”
Overall, I think your story has potential and I will be revisiting for your next update. Keep writing, Katherine!