Review My Unpublished Story Please!

Hi there!
My name is Paris and just finished episode one of my newest (and only) story! It’s unpublished so you can’t find it on the app.
Feel free to read it, feel free to review it, and please know that no comment will offend me as long as you mean it in a nice and not rude way.

I also have no character customization, but you have chances to change the outfit and lipstick, and hair style :slight_smile:
Thanks in advance, Paris

Here’s the description:
Can you live up to your famous matchmaker parents and match these 10, inexperienced daters while also balancing your own terrible romantic life?

And here’s the link:


would you like to do a read for read? i’ll do an in-depth review for ya sis! your story looks very interesting by the way! :grin:

Title: Mystery on Hanging Hill Lane
Author: Marshmallow O.
Genre: Mystery, Romance, Comedy
Summary: Time is running out as you and your friends try to escape the mysterious sleepover that you were invited to… Read to uncover the Mystery on Hanging Hill Lane.
Chapters: 4 (More to come)
Style: Limelight

Create your own characters and Choices Matter!:blush:

Shortened Link:

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Sure! How many do you want me to do? I only have one episode on mine so far

And thanks! Yours sounds cool too :slight_smile:

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honestly, you can just keep going for as long as you’re interested! :grin:

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I’ll try to get through at least two :slight_smile:

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okay thanks! i’ll start right now, but give me at least like 30 minutes if it’s long! :grin::grin:

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Um, could you tell me how long it took you? Because I don’t want it to be too short

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yeah of course!

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here’s your review! sorry, that took longer than expected! :sweat_smile::grin:

Episode 1
  • ahhhh it’s in limelight already in love!
  • use spot directing so that the mc doesn’t get smaller as she’s walking off screen. basically spot directing is for example: @CHARACTER spot 1.280 89 180 and then when you want them to walk off you would use: @CHARACTER walks to spot 1.280 34 180. you would keep the first and second number the same as their first spot but change the middle number, as that changes their position on the screen. (those were example numbers not real numbers you should use, b/c i’m pretty sure those coordinates are offscreen) i’m ass at explaining things, but there is a guide here somewhere on the forums that will explain it better than i have. it’s really not that hard, and super beneficial to story telling! much better than the enter/exit commands. yeah… none of that made sense… you should look for a guide on the forums or watch a joseph evans youtube tutorial :joy: either options is much better believe me!
  • this is about to be another thing that i’m ass at explaining so bear with me… so after a character speaks they have this super dumb expression on their face because they just got done talking and they have no action to follow it. so make sure that after a character talks you place a &CHARACTER is idle_happy_loop command or something like that after their line of dialogue. this is so that they’re still… ya know… breathing even when they’re not the one with the dialogue. :joy: this also goes for looped talking animations, because even after they’ve said their line, they will still continue to move their mouth. so be sure to add the idle command or something of the sort.
  • use ‘&’ commands to make the story flow better, especially with character animations. because if you use @CHARACTER is idle_happy_loop there will be an awkward pause as the script waits for that to happen before it moves on. so be sure to use &.
  • i like alma. i don’t know much about her but i can tell i like her. :grin:
  • jayce just kinda pops up on screen, have him enter from a side, but be sure to use the spot directing that i mentioned earlier.
  • Alma is me in every awkward situation ever!!! “i’m just gonna… go” bahahahaha
  • jsskjalknjfnejfiulgrn kissing some girl cause you were drunk while you have a girlfriend is not an excuse thot. i already don’t like jayce. :joy::joy:
  • ……….i forgave him………i hate myself.
  • I played it again and in the choice to not forgive jayce it preforms like a 10 second zoom into his knee cap and then the doctor starts talking about his sister…
  • OH! You should use music too! I used to not, but then i was told that sooooo many readers use sound when they’re reading, so try and use sound!
My Overall Thoughts

Okay! It’s a good story! I like it and I like the plot so far! So, you asked me to time it, and I did. I played it twice. The first time it was 3 minutes and 45 seconds and the second time was 3 minutes and 15 seconds. (I didn’t look through all the outfits the second time, that’s probably why.) That’s really short for an episode… But I know how you can make it longer! When I was reading it everything was just very abrupt. Like we were in her room and then all of a sudden her mom was just like “lol guess what bish ur a matchmaker now.” There needs to be more of a climax to these type of moments, like a background into the MC’s life. We know nothing about her yet, like literally nothing except her boyfriend is a douche and her parents rock. so maybe you could start with her talking to her parents and her parents could be like “sis it’s time for you to get a job” and the MC is like “i don’t want a job” then maybe she out to dinner with her boyfriend and then he tells her that he got drunk and kissed iris, or she goes to a party and sees it happen for herself. and then she goes home, is in her feelings, has a friend come over, they talk it out… honestly whatever you wanna do. then the next day her parents sit her down at breakfast and say “guess what sis, we got you a job!” so she gets ready for work and whatnot, she meets alma, they hit it off, and then jayce comes to see her to apologize, and then the rest of your story plays out however you want it to! idk, i didn’t mean to write all that, i just got really into it. because, i really think that this story has potential and its great right now! but i don’t wanna write your story for you, haha. but overall, it just needs more to happen so we can learn about the characters we’re reading about! okay, that was a lot, but that’s all, i hope this helped you at all! good luck writing! :grin: and i hope you know i’m not trying to be mean i just want to see your story reach it’s full potential! :sunglasses: oh, and if you haven’t read my story yet be sure to do that! :kissing_heart: thanks!


I would also like to do a R4R and you do not have to read more then you want of mine :slight_smile: If you read the first Episode and don’t like it thats fine you don’t have to read anymore then that if you like it and want to read more thats fine also. Please whatever you read give me feedback and I’ll start your story right now. :slight_smile:

Loving Seth
Sad Romance
I have 4 Episodes done

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Hey, hun just finished your first Episode. :slight_smile:
The story is good but there are a few things you could use a little work on, that I saw.
Directing: when a character is standing in a spot and you want to them to exit room do @CHARACTER walks to spot (the spot you pick) in 2
this want they don’t get bigger or smaller when leaving the room.
Also when a character is done talking make sure you find a something to put in after a loop so that they don’t keep talking. Keep working at it and you will always get better as you go. Let me know when you publish it I would love to read more of it :slight_smile:


This story sounds so good! Unfortunately every time I click on the link it says failed to open page. If you know how to fix it please tell me! If there is no way to fix it on my computer then I will just have to wait to read when it comes out then because this sounds good.

Hi, when you look at the story, since it’s unpublished, you click on the link, and it should bring you to a different page. Press on the button “read story” and it should bring you to the app. From there you should be at the story. :slight_smile:
Also, make sure it’s on your phone because it doesn’t work on the computer.

@Marshmallow_O I will of course get to your story, but I have a lot, but when I do, I’ll make just as a great review as you did and you weren’t rude. In fact I thought your review was awesome, thank you. And I’ll try to make it longer :slight_smile:

@Bethany1 I’ll try to get to yours too, but I might not get back to you for a little while, but no more than 3 days only because I have to review one for a friend and get back to Marchmallow_O. And of course I’ll tell you when I publish it!

Thanks guys! :kissing_heart:


Thank you, hun. Take your time. :blue_heart:

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okay great thanks! just let me know when you finish my review! :grin::grin::sparkling_heart::sparkling_heart:

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Ok, so since it’s late I only read two chapters but…OMG I’m hooked!!!
This is stuch a good story and you need to keep me updated on it! I love it soooooo much!!!
And also, this is so much better than most of the featured cliche stories. Just saying :wink:

Below are the notes I wrote down in a word doc while reading it:

Love the intro and the music

nice work with the background characters

Love the chicken butt joke in the beginning because I honestly use it so much

I choose my name to be Charley but pronounced like Charlie

I picked the choice where she said that she was being funny about her childhood crush and the outcome is exactly like I probably would’ve reacted

Love how you didn’t put all the customizations in the very beginning when you first start the chapter

Oh my god, when you zoomed in on the childhood crush, I thought for real you were going to zoom in on the one with the leather jacket

I picked the Me…? Looking at him…? Please!

These options are like things that I would really do in like, real life scenarios

And I also like how in the Nope! choice it was sort of yep and then was like, ha, ha, not!

But unless she and her childhood crush already know each other a little, I wouldn’t make them spill some secrets early on or anything. Just a suggestion

And I’m loyal to my friend of course!

Ha, ha! A night to die for is funny!

And at least this character has some common sense ya know?

Oh my god, how she greets her parents is hilarious

I never want to be a problem so…

Also, love the house!

And when she’s walking to get the door when Bea comes over, you might want her to walk facing the rear

And I am in love with Bea. Hands down in love

Wait, so his name is Kai and his sister is Kaia? Wow. But honestly, that’s also kind of cute. I’m also in love with Kaia

And I am in total agree with Lia that the sleepover is bad. If I kept quiet would that’ve made me not go? Probably not.

Daaaang. No one’s listening to Ash.

And I like how not everyone is Caucasian.

OMG! So hooked!

Episode 2 (not many notes because I loved it soo much)

I would also have an option for doing a recap

Kai’s backstory! TEA!

I played it safe. I’m so dumb.

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aaaaaaaaaaaaa you’re too sweeet! :two_hearts: thank you so much i really appreciate it! i’ll be sure to fix what you mentioned to me! it helps a lot! thank you thank you thank you!! :grin::sparkling_heart::joy:

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Of course!! Since you did mine it’s only right I do yours!

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Hi Bethany, I’m reading your story and here are my thoughts:
Your large cover is a little smooshed down but is not very major
I wouldn’t suggest having yourself in the beginning of the story as a reader might get bored and exit out
I would sugest putting it at the end instead
But I love the description and would love to read it if I saw it
For the outfit picking, I would suggest giving a name like: Pretty in Pants, Skirt Chic, something like that so the reader has a brief description of what the outfit
When talking to the mother in the kitchen, you can’t see either of the characters
Also, instead of explaining, show how Harper and the mom are best friends. And for the crash, input that in some other part of the story that way it feels more natural
With Mr.Johns, it should be Mr. Johns with a space between Mr. and Johns
And maybe you could let the reader decide what they want so they feel more involved, but you don’t have to
And whenever she walks back to something, use a walk rear animation like when she needs to get her music after she gets her clothes
And with Sara I would put her behind the other guy carrying the box using layers so it doesn’t look too weird
And with Panther hight, did you mean to put Panther High?
I would have Kim facing Harper when they are are all talking together
And I totally love the outfits
And you should say first off instead of fist when they are talking about “naught naught”
And when she’s getting ready, I would suggest keeping whatever hair the reader chose beforehand and also giving them the choice to change it
And Millie is my favorite character. #Millie4evr
And between Ms and Von for the teacher you can put a space, and instead of making a whole new character, you can just change the display name
I would suggest making the gold choice for the hair as well

Overall, this was not something that I would be continuing, but this is also a great start! I think that even though I might not continue it, that other people will really enjoy this story.
-Paris! :blush:

@Bethany1 ^ I don’t think you saw the pervious post cause you weren’t tagged or replied to, so here you are sis! :joy:

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