The main issue is grammar. There are also some directing errors.
I would recommend using music.
You swap tenses and your use of punctuation varies.
Some people don’t mind reading with no action; however, as it an interactive app, during your narration, you should make your characters active, rather than idle.
I feel like there is lot going on in a small space of time. You show 12 years of the JOSEPHINE’s life and then SYDNEY grows up. Give the reader some time to get attached to the character. In my opinion, JACK doesn’t seem like he treats JOSEPHINE right; therefore, the reader may be drawn to MARTIN. However, we still don’t know each character enough.
I haven’t proofread. There may be some mistakes.
I love the intro. Both edges of the rope don’t wrap around the characters.
I think there is a slight outline around the characters.
Be careful with the placement of your splashes. On some devices “warning” will be cut off.
The scene fades out in white but there is no transition into the next scene.
Sometimes we think that once we have happiness there is nothing that can take it away from us
Sometimes, we think that once we have happiness there is nothing that can take it away from us
Scene 2: Riverside Highschool
What’s up Josie.
What’s up, Josie?
Can’t I just greet my awesome boyfriend.
Can’t I just greet my awesome boyfriend?
It’s too early for this, see you after school.
I’d recommend using a full stop. “I’ll” is optional - since you didn’t use it.
It’s too early for this. [I’ll] see you after school.
Don’t you dare walk away from me Jack Harper!
Don’t you dare walk away from me, Jack Harper!
(Damn you dad, why are you doing this to me.)
(Damn you dad. Why are you doing this to me?)
MARTIN walks on too slow, in comparison to the distance he travels.
Scene 3: Ice cream shop
Did he just call me ma’am, I’m 23 not 40.
I don’t look old do I?
Did he just call me ma’am? I’m 23. not 40.
I don’t look old, do I?
Can you hurry, I don’t have all day.
Can you hurry? I don’t have all day.
Can you hurry, I don’t have all day?
Sorry sir, here you go, have a nice day.
Sorry, sir, here you go. Have a nice day.
Are you sure you don’t want anything.
Are you sure you don’t want anything?
I’m sure honey.
I’m sure, honey.
How did you find today’s test Josie?
How did you find today’s test, Josie?
Easy as always.
Easy as always.
Use sounds instead.
What do you want Track?
Fine I’m on my way.
Babe, I have to go, do you need a ride?
What do you want, Track?
Fine. I’m on my way.
Babe, I have to go. Do you need a ride?
Why does JOSEPHINE walk to screen center if JACK is leaving.
Come on babe, he left.
Come on, babe. He left.
I’m just around the corner, I’ll be there in five.
I’m just around the corner. I’ll be there in five.
JOSEPHINE is talking during MARTIN’s dialogue.
What’s the problem Martin?
What’s the problem, Martin?
I don’t know Josephine. Maybe it’s the fact that you have another boyfriend.
I don’t know, Josephine. Maybe, it’s the fact that you have another boyfriend.
If it’s a question, use a question mark.
But I told you, my parents want me to marry him and for that to happen I need to keep charming him.
What are you saying, I don’t even like Jack, when I am with him I feel agony.
But I get past it because I think of you.
But, I told you. My parents want me to marry him, and for that to happen I need to keep charming him.
What are you saying? I don’t even like Jack. When I am with him, I am in agony.
But, I get past it because I think of you.
MARTIN shifts to the left before the starts walking to JOSEPHINE.
Martin came closer to me and I could see his eyes glowing every time he kissed me.
I cherish every moment with him because deep down I know who I belong with.
At this moment I didn’t care if anyone saw us because this was our moment.
Suddenly my lips touched Martin’s.
We were kissing and it was stunning!
Write in one tense.
Martin came closer to me. His eyes glowed every time he kissed me.
I cherished every moment with him, because, deep down, I knew who I belonged with.
During that moment,** I didn’t care if anyone saw us, because it was our moment.
Suddenly, my lips touched Martin’s.
We were kissing, and it was stunning!
I love you Josie.
I love you, Josie.
I love you too babe.
I love you too, babe.
Scene 6: Doctor's
JACK and JOSEPHINE walk in way too slow.
Please take a seat while I get the results.
Please, take a seat whilst I get the results.
JOSEPHINE walks backwards.
Yeah, you are having twin girls.
Pretty sure you said 3 weeks later, which is too early to tell the gender.
Yes dear, little girls.
Yes, dead. Little girls.
Scene 7: Outside the hospital
JACK AND JOSEPHINE walk too slow to their spots.
What’s your problem.
Damn it Jack, look at me when I’m talking to you.
What’s your problem?
Damn it, Jack. Look at me when I’m talking to you.
They layering looks unnatural. Move the characters further apart, or change their layering.
I’m talking to you Josephine.
Who’s their father.
I’m talking to you, Josephine.
Who’s their father?
9 months later
I have to pick something up later at home.
They think I left the babies with you. You better not come.
I have to pick something up later, at home.
I hope you you made the right decision because you know how powerful the Harper’s are.
Who will blame them for wanting to kill you, I mean the humiliation Jack has to feel.
The moment they ask for help, believe me I won’t hesitate to accept.
I hope you made the right decision, because you know how powerful the Harper’s are.
Who could blame them for wanting to kill you. I mean the humiliation Jack has to feel.
The moment they ask for help, believe me, I won’t hesitate to accept.
5 years later
I’m not late right?
I’m not late, right?
JACK runs until he is across from JOSEPHINE then he walks. It would make more sense for him to run the whole way.
Welcome to the world baby James, you’re the most handsome boy there is.
Welcome to the world, baby James. You’re the most handsome boy there is.
2 years later
*** help you Sydney.
*** help you, Sydney.
Daddy can I hold him?
Daddy, can I hold him?
Dad can I hold him?
Dad, can I hold him?
Daddy I love you.
Daddy, I love you.
I love you too princess.
The speech bubble is too high.
12 years after the twins
*** I miss them so much.
***, I miss them so much.
Sydney, calm down
Sydney, calm down.
Don’t tell me what to do James!
I’m sorry daddy.
Please don’t be mad.
Don’t tell me what to do, James!
I’m sorry, daddy.
Please, don’t be mad.
James where is your mother?
(Honey I hope you aren’t where I think you are.)
James, where is your mother?
(Honey, I hope you aren’t where I think you are.)
Let it Go.
Let it go.
JOSEPHINE gets home
Where were you today Josephine?
Then why is it that when I came home I heard Sydney yelling because she was starving because she hadn’t eaten all day?
Thank *** James found the milk from the refrigerator.
Where were you today, Josephine?
Then why is it that when I came home, I heard Sydney yelling because she was starving because she hadn’t eaten all day?
Thank ***, James found the milk from the refrigerator.
JACK and the kids
Don’t cry honey.
Don’t cry, honey.
Are we a problem daddy?
Are we a problem, daddy?
EVELYN slides across the floor, when the kids come to meet her.
Very much daddy.
Very much, daddy.
SYDNEY, JAMES, HOPE and the kids.
JAMES appears after the transition.
Of course we will, anne.
Besides the one always getting hurt is James.
Besides, the one always getting hurt is James.
During the phone call with HANNAH, her speech bubble is small.
When you use the transition - iris - your characters appear after the scene.
After hugging her dad, Sydney walks backwards.