Hey, so I recently modified the first episode of my story and I want to see if it’s okay.
Please and thanks:)
Story : Tied Together
Author : Molly
Description : Sydney has everything she has ever wanted, but what happens when her Mafia life takes it all away?
Link :
https://www.episodeinteractive.com/s/6621286120685568
Hi 
are you interested in a read4feedback?
Can it be if the first chapter only?
I can read your story… But are u interested in read for read?
Can you review my first episode?
Actually i read your frst chapter… But I hv to read 2 more chapters… Now u have to read my story and I’m gonna read your 2 more chapters… And send me screenshots… Ok?
Okay:) send me your link pls:)
When would you read?
Here is the link
Now:)
Ok…don’t frgt to sent me screen shots… Lmao:rofl:
The main issue is grammar. There are also some directing errors.
I would recommend using music.
You swap tenses and your use of punctuation varies.
Some people don’t mind reading with no action; however, as it an interactive app, during your narration, you should make your characters active, rather than idle.
I feel like there is lot going on in a small space of time. You show 12 years of the JOSEPHINE’s life and then SYDNEY grows up. Give the reader some time to get attached to the character. In my opinion, JACK doesn’t seem like he treats JOSEPHINE right; therefore, the reader may be drawn to MARTIN. However, we still don’t know each character enough.
I haven’t proofread. There may be some mistakes.
I love the intro. Both edges of the rope don’t wrap around the characters.
I think there is a slight outline around the characters.
Be careful with the placement of your splashes. On some devices “warning” will be cut off.
The scene fades out in white but there is no transition into the next scene.
NARR (SYDNEY)
Sometimes we think that once we have happiness there is nothing that can take it away from us
Sometimes, we think that once we have happiness there is nothing that can take it away from us
JACK
What’s up Josie.
What’s up, Josie?
JOSEPHINE
Can’t I just greet my awesome boyfriend.
Can’t I just greet my awesome boyfriend?
JACK
It’s too early for this, see you after school.
I’d recommend using a full stop. “I’ll” is optional - since you didn’t use it.
It’s too early for this. [I’ll] see you after school.
JOSEPHINE
Don’t you dare walk away from me Jack Harper!
Don’t you dare walk away from me, Jack Harper!
JOSEPHINE
(Damn you dad, why are you doing this to me.)
(Damn you dad. Why are you doing this to me?)
MARTIN walks on too slow, in comparison to the distance he travels.
MARTIN
Hey baby.
Hey, baby.
SELLER
Did he just call me ma’am, I’m 23 not 40.
I don’t look old do I?
Did he just call me ma’am? I’m 23. not 40.
I don’t look old, do I?
JACK
Can you hurry, I don’t have all day.
Can you hurry? I don’t have all day.
OR
Can you hurry, I don’t have all day?
SELLER
Sorry sir, here you go, have a nice day.
Sorry, sir, here you go. Have a nice day.
JACK
Are you sure you don’t want anything.
Are you sure you don’t want anything?
JOSEPHINE
I’m sure honey.
I’m sure, honey.
JACK
How did you find today’s test Josie?
How did you find today’s test, Josie?
JOSEPHINE
Easy as always.
Easy as always.
Buzz Buzz
Use sounds instead.
JACK
What do you want Track?
Fine I’m on my way.
Babe, I have to go, do you need a ride?
What do you want, Track?
Fine. I’m on my way.
Babe, I have to go. Do you need a ride?
JACK
Bye Josie.
Bye, Josie.
Why does JOSEPHINE walk to screen center if JACK is leaving.
JOSEPHINE
Come on babe, he left.
Come on, babe. He left.
NARR (MARTIN)
I’m just around the corner, I’ll be there in five.
I’m just around the corner. I’ll be there in five.
JOSEPHINE is talking during MARTIN’s dialogue.
JOSEPHINE
What’s the problem Martin?
What’s the problem, Martin?
MARTIN
I don’t know Josephine. Maybe it’s the fact that you have another boyfriend.
I don’t know, Josephine. Maybe, it’s the fact that you have another boyfriend.
If it’s a question, use a question mark.
JOSEPHINE
But I told you, my parents want me to marry him and for that to happen I need to keep charming him.
What are you saying, I don’t even like Jack, when I am with him I feel agony.
But I get past it because I think of you.
But, I told you. My parents want me to marry him, and for that to happen I need to keep charming him.
What are you saying? I don’t even like Jack. When I am with him, I am in agony.
But, I get past it because I think of you.
MARTIN shifts to the left before the starts walking to JOSEPHINE.
NARR (JOSEPHINE)
Martin came closer to me and I could see his eyes glowing every time he kissed me.
I cherish every moment with him because deep down I know who I belong with.
At this moment I didn’t care if anyone saw us because this was our moment.
Suddenly my lips touched Martin’s.
We were kissing and it was stunning!
Write in one tense.
Past:
Martin came closer to me. His eyes glowed every time he kissed me.
I cherished every moment with him, because, deep down, I knew who I belonged with.
During that moment,** I didn’t care if anyone saw us, because it was our moment.
Suddenly, my lips touched Martin’s.
We were kissing, and it was stunning!
MARTIN
I love you Josie.
I love you, Josie.
JOSEPHINE
I love you too babe.
I love you too, babe.
JACK and JOSEPHINE walk in way too slow.
DOCTOR
Please take a seat while I get the results.
Please, take a seat whilst I get the results.
JOSEPHINE walks backwards.
Babies…Two!!!
Babies… Two!!!
DOCTOR
Yeah, you are having twin girls.
Pretty sure you said 3 weeks later, which is too early to tell the gender.
DOCTOR
Yes dear, little girls.
Yes, dead. Little girls.
JACK AND JOSEPHINE walk too slow to their spots.
JOSEPHINE
What’s your problem.
Damn it Jack, look at me when I’m talking to you.
What’s your problem?
Damn it, Jack. Look at me when I’m talking to you.
They layering looks unnatural. Move the characters further apart, or change their layering.
JACK
I’m talking to you Josephine.
Who’s their father.
I’m talking to you, Josephine.
Who’s their father?
JOSEPHINE
I have to pick something up later at home.
They think I left the babies with you. You better not come.
I have to pick something up later, at home.
CAROLINA
I hope you you made the right decision because you know how powerful the Harper’s are.
Who will blame them for wanting to kill you, I mean the humiliation Jack has to feel.
The moment they ask for help, believe me I won’t hesitate to accept.
I hope you made the right decision, because you know how powerful the Harper’s are.
Who could blame them for wanting to kill you. I mean the humiliation Jack has to feel.
The moment they ask for help, believe me, I won’t hesitate to accept.
JACK
I’m not late right?
I’m not late, right?
JACK runs until he is across from JOSEPHINE then he walks. It would make more sense for him to run the whole way.
JACK
Welcome to the world baby James, you’re the most handsome boy there is.
Welcome to the world, baby James. You’re the most handsome boy there is.
JOSEPHINE
*** help you Sydney.
*** help you, Sydney.
SYDNEY
Daddy can I hold him?
Daddy, can I hold him?
JAMES
Dad can I hold him?
Dad, can I hold him?
SYDNEY
Daddy I love you.
Daddy, I love you.
JACK
I love you too princess.
The speech bubble is too high.
JOSEPHINE
*** I miss them so much.
***, I miss them so much.
JAMES
Sydney, calm down
Sydney, calm down.
SYDNEY
Don’t tell me what to do James!
I’m sorry daddy.
Please don’t be mad.
Don’t tell me what to do, James!
I’m sorry, daddy.
Please, don’t be mad.
JACK
James where is your mother?
She left!?
(Honey I hope you aren’t where I think you are.)
James, where is your mother?
she left?!
(Honey, I hope you aren’t where I think you are.)
SYDNEY
Let it Go.
Let it go.
JACK
Where were you today Josephine?
Then why is it that when I came home I heard Sydney yelling because she was starving because she hadn’t eaten all day?
Thank *** James found the milk from the refrigerator.
Where were you today, Josephine?
Then why is it that when I came home, I heard Sydney yelling because she was starving because she hadn’t eaten all day?
Thank ***, James found the milk from the refrigerator.
JACK
Don’t cry honey.
Don’t cry, honey.
SYDNEY
Are we a problem daddy?
Are we a problem, daddy?
EVELYN slides across the floor, when the kids come to meet her.
SYDNEY
Very much daddy.
Very much, daddy.
JAMES appears after the transition.
SYDNEY
Of course we will, anne.
Besides the one always getting hurt is James.
Who’s anne?
Besides, the one always getting hurt is James.
During the phone call with HANNAH, her speech bubble is small.
When you use the transition - iris - your characters appear after the scene.
After hugging her dad, Sydney walks backwards.
Thank you very much:)
I’ll start revamping this chapter right away!!
This topic was automatically closed 30 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.
