Review of: Trapped
- The cover looks pretty cool, it already has me interested in the story. I know you said that you have a new cover coming, but this one still looks pretty good. I really like the lighting the most- it makes it look cool even though it’s kind-of a basic cover.
The story description: Your parents chuck you into Bellthorne Academy- a boarding school for only the richest. There, you meet a stranger who assigns you on a mission for millions of dollars. CC
I like how you used chuck in the first line of the description- it shows that they kinda forced her to go without her consent. And I also love the second line- it sounds so mysterious.
a boarding school for only the richest - this is just my opinion, but I think that you could’ve worded that differently because it doesn’t really sound right. Maybe: A school only the rich can afford
Or: A prestigious boarding school for only the richest of kids.
A good first impression. Ok, it made me interested, I click to to view the first episode.
From the first episode I can tell she’s nice- and kind of bratty at the same time…
Like the scene where she saw her best friend’s crush- I kinda got the vibes that she was nice and mean at the same time. Mean because I feel like this is going to cause some problems later in the story…
I feel like you could show her personality a little more. Maybe show her feelings about the academy and why she wouldn’t like it. I also think it would help to have her look back on the days with her other friends before she had to leave for the academy.
She seems like a great friend. I like how you really made her have her own personality. At first I thought
she’d become a fake friend to her or something- but I was convinced of their friendship by the end of episode 2.
I like her relationships with the guy characters. The student-teacher relationship just seems too cliche. I wouldn’t have them start flirting until they get to know each other. It doesn’t make sense at that time, since Rio wants to be on her best behavior.
I love the relationship she has with Ryan, he cares about her and is really nice. I feel pretty bad that he’s going to get broken by her in future episodes- (Maybe- I’ll have to see)
I like Grace. She is a great antagonist. Make sure she’s the villain around them and not the main characters.
I have noticed a few places where the characters are too big or are floating. There was an episode where they were sitting almost under the table. You should definitely look back on those places.
The choices didn’t really feel like they mattered- but the story part of it made up for it. If you’re having trouble with choices, there are a ton of help threads for that. You could always message me- I know a thing or two about some choices. But until you get the hang of it- I’d suggest taking some of those unessecary choices out of your episodes, so you can get the hang of it and your viewers won’t feel like their choices don’t matter.
First Episode Review
Message in the beginning:
It’s good that you put that it’s a pilot episode and that it’ll be a little short. But- is this the only pilot episode- or are there a few more? Some authors put 3- I feel like you should either say: This is the pilot episode or this is 1 of 2/3 pilot episodes. Just to make it a little more clear
The next message could make some viewers stop reading. People don’t like when authors say: This is my first story or I’m new at this so please excuse… It’s just better not to say anything like that. Yes, people on the forums have said these things so I want to warn you about it. I would continue reading though. I love the next message! Some authors don’t say that it might be our only chance to customize, and that personally really annoys me.
Instead of putting * angry knocking on door * I would try to find a sound of knocking on a door- if you can’t find that, I think a sound of something falling would suffice.
When they come in- she doesn’t look afraid and I feel like she should be. I feel like she should walk to her spot while they’re walking, maybe have them walk in faster because them walking in normally/slowly doesn’t suit the * angry knocking on door *
I liked the line: Let’s go back to when this all started, about two years ago…
The next scenes- end of intro
“We just clicked and were inseparable ever since.” More Show Than Tell what that basically means is: If you can show it to the viewers and not describe it- it’s better to show it. Also: If you’re going to be describing their friendship like that have the narrator say it- it’s unrealistic that Rio would say it.
“Hey mom.” I had to read the story again to find out that that was a scene in the past that Rio was looking back on. If that is a past scene- don’t keep her in the same clothes, maybe put a filter on it to make it really look like a past scene, or have a reader message or narrator saying: A few days ago…
In the scene where you have a choice to go to a party or stay home- I feel like there could be more interesting stuff that happens. Maybe something that happens at both the party and at home.
After that- there are a few scenes where you have to SHOW MORE TELL LESS
The first episode is supposed to show are start to show what’s in the description- I never met that mysterious billionaire in the first episode.
I liked that you had a lot more drama going on in the 2nd episode.
In the scene where Grace and the girls are arguing- I got more of a bullying vibe off the main characters- more than the antagonist. I got that vibe when they called her “a freak” I understand that you want to make clear that Gracie is not the brightest- but you shouldn’t have characters shame another character’s whole personality and NOT have Grace be affected by it or get sad, angry or seriously offended. At that point I felt pretty bad for her, and viewers shouldn’t be feeling that right? It’s good drama, but if you want the main characters to come off as nice, you can’t let them rise to her level.
I loved how you rose above that cliche of girl meets nice guy- I was SUPER surprised to find him straight up mean and cruel.
The ending made me want to continue reading. I have seen that kind of stuff like friends getting into fights over misunderstandings a lot on episode, so maybe you might want to change that if you don’t want to use something over-used. Maybe have her actually kiss him- or have her get mad that her best friend doesn’t trust her.
I liked the humor with the teacher! If possible though- I’d make it more humorous- like the whole class goes out of control and the teacher doesn’t know what to do!
I love that you skip to two years at the academy.
I like the drama with Grace! I love her character! She’s making me so angry right now! Viewers will be hooked on scenes with suspense and drama like the scene of her sabotaging Rio.
Slightly psychotic, scary, and rude, but no one’s perfect Ok, that’s now my favorite line
Yep I’ve been counting the months… another really good line!
The drama with the money and the stranger- I’m curious to what she’ll do! That’s the most original thing about your story!!!
It’s a bit cliche how you made her the bad girl, but it makes sense with the plot.
The episodes get better and better. The third one with the story line really as that wow factor that audiences get hooked on. That should’ve been in the first episode so you could get viewers to continue. To make the first episode better, I’d recommend putting in the boss talking with Rio about what she has to do and then go to the story, viewers will be wondering about that guy, and the other guys. I understand that it’s kinda hard to start drama on the first episode especially since it’s not meant for much drama yet. That’s why I’d put the boss talking with Rio as the introduction for the first episode. This story seems like it’s a drama- not a romance. There is so much drama going on, I really think that’s the main plot and that romance is a big subplot. I really think you need to make a few changes on the first episode so viewers can really get hooked.
Would I Continue Reading?
Yes! I loved that last third episode, it had drama, and a ton of suspense.