@feck.b
SHANKED!
First off, I really like how you animated the text. It really adds to the story!
Also I really like the title, very unique!
The use of East London slang really confused me as I’m sure it did others. If you have to put the meaning, maybe you shouldn’t have put it into your story at all. At some parts it took me a long while to read one line of dialogue. In the second and third episode, I even noticed that you added in a backround with slang terms and their meanings. The worst thing is, you didn’t even leave the backround up long enough to read it. If you continue to use slang this is how you could fix this problem using pauses:
Pauses!
EXT. BACKROUND
NARR
Be sure to memorize these terms!
@pause for 5 (5 is recommended )
@pan to zone 2
@pause for 5
If the words spread across zones, this can get a bit tricky and you may need to use another background or alter your panning method!
Other than that, I did notice a few grammar errors. Remember, don’t use abbreviations! Personally, grammar errors just make me frustrated. Make sure to proofread your episode multiple times before you post it!
I absolutely loved your use of zooming! You do a really great job at directing! I honestly can’t get enough of these zooms.
At one point in the first episode you had Orienta say this:
ORIENTA
Did I forget that Samantha is kind of a sket, she tries to wine on bare boys.
This sentence was a tad confusing by the way it was put together. Here’s how you could’ve fixed that!
ORIENTA
Did I forget that Samantha is kind of a sket? She tries to wine on bare boys.
You did this a lot of times where you would put commas instead question marks. But… it’s a simple fix! No need to worry.
In the classroom scenes, the transition from one set of people to another was messed up. It looked as though the characters were flashing out of no where. Here is a quick and simple fix for that using transitions:
Transitions
EXT. BACKROUND
@CHARACTER stands screen left and CHARACTER faces right
@CHARACTER2 stands screen right and CHARACTER2 faces left
@transition fade in 1
{Dialogue goes here}
@transition fade out 1
INT. CLASSROOM LA DESK - DAY with DESK CLASS
@CHARACTER3 stands screen right and CHARACTER3 faces left
@CHARACTER4 stands screen left and CHARACTER4 faces right
@transition fade in 1
I was a bit confused when Janelle didn’t want to tell Tyrone about the nasty things that Orienta’s ex-boyfriend had said about her. Janelle stated that Tyrone hated her, although previously in the episode Janelle had stated that Tyrone liked Orienta. I think that this thought could’ve been represented more clearly.
Another major thing; carrying choices throughout episodes.
I noticed that you had to ask in episode 2 (and three!) what outfit you had chosen Orienta to wear the episode before. This can get quite annoying for the reader as he/she can often forget easily. This if a brief example of how to get choices to pass from one episode to another using gains:
Choices
ep. 1
CHARACTER (think):
What outfit should I wear?
choice
“Playful”{
gain wear_playful
}
“Flirty”{
gain wear_flirty
}
Next episode!
if (wear_playful){
@CHARACTER changes into outfit_playful
}
else{
@CHARACTER changes into outfit_flirty
}
Gains are very simple to use and very useful as well! You of course can make past choices more complex, with adding labels… but if you need more in depth help on that feel free to send me a pm.
As for the plot, it seemed a bit rushed. To improve this, try slowing it down a little. Take one idea and expand on it completely.
Say you want to have your character break up with her boyfriend, meet a new guy, and make a new best friend in one episode. Instead, how about you give each of those ideas their own episode.
You would need to add more little ideas to contribute to each general point, I’ll use the break up as an example;
More questions you could ask to add more dialogue to that episode:
Why did they break up?
Did something dramatic happen?
Why does she want to break up with him?
Is there another guy in the picture?
Readers love having more details! This makes writing longer episodes so much easier.
All in all, I thought your story was really interesting! I see a lot of potential in your writing, and remember that their is always room for improvement! (also I’m really jealous of your zooms )
Remember to follow me on episode! My profile is Author Clare.