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Right off the bat, I noticed that there weren’t any splashes 
Which made me sad, because I LOVE seeing the different kinds of art work people create for stories, and in yours, I didn’t see any. Instead, I was greeted with narration bubbles, one in particular I would scrap asap if I were you. You said that the episode would be “short” since it’s the pilot, which in all reality, your chapter length was absolutely fine. It was a little on the longer side of the spectrum, actually! Let the reader determine their own thoughts about the length before telling them at the beginning of the episode.
Think of it like this: it’s better to have them read to it and find out for themselves than have them immediately click out because they don’t want to read something you’ve already revealed to be short (which it wasn’t)!
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Maybe it’s my iPad, but is there sound in this story? Music? I can’t hear anything… could that be because you’ve made it that way? I only ask because in the beginning, you had a narration bubble that said loud knocks, or something to that effect, and I think it would be better to add in a knocking sound rather than narrating it. It makes the story more realistic! If you did have sound in your story and I just couldn’t hear it, disregard this comment lol.
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Aw, Rio is beautiful the way she is! You clearly had a vision for her and her role in the story, especially if you stress the fact that the reader shouldn’t change her hair color because it’s important. Why include CC at all if that’s the case? I can see why you added it, as most people prefer to customize, but I think this story could have gone without it!
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The boys walked into Rio’s apartment one at a time, which made everything feel very slow. Try playing around with the & command to give those boys the smooth, clean entry they deserve!
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Oooh, I’m intrigued! I love it when stories begin with something dramatic happening, and then we’re taken back to “where it all began”. It totally captures my interest and makes me want to find out how Rio got to that point!
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Again with the customization. If you really must include it, I would say to make it very limited. If you don’t want reader’s changing Rio’s hair, maybe take away that option entirely?That’s what I would do!
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This is irrelevant, but Rio’s mom is really frickin’ pretty, haha.
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I wish there was a broader use of zooms and more spot directing! It makes things a lot more visually appealing.
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I would take out the slangs (like “oh lol”, “OMG”, “WTF”, ect.) in your story. It makes it seem less professional.
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So something I’m noticing is that you’re not capitalizing things that should be capitalized, like in this case, Mom and Dad. When Rio is talking to her mom, she’s saying things like-
“Well, mom…”
“Where’s dad?”
In this case, Mom and Dad are being used as names, so they should be capitalized. The only time you wouldn’t capitalize them is when they are preceded by “my”.
"My mom…"
"There’s my dad…"
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I’m also noticing that you’re fitting a lot of dialogue into one speech bubble. Maybe try spacing it out a little more and using different animations to accompany them? Not only would that make your chapters a little longer, since you said you felt this first one was short, but it’s easier to read as well!
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I saw a few typos when Rio’s mom is telling her that she’s going to be a student at Bellthorne.
“Well, this’ll be THERE perfect time to tell you you’re already enrolled…” It should be the.
“Privalege” is spelled “privilege”.
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Dude, Rio’s mom is hecka insensitive!! When Rio was talking about all the ways her parents essentially “bribe” her so they don’t have to deal with her, that made me super sad, but the mom just didn’t seem to care at all. Cold as ice. 
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Maybe add a filter to that flashback? I kind of forgot that it was one, but that could totally be because I was reading this chapter at 2 in the morning, haha. Regardless, I’d suggest making it black and white or something just so the reader remembers that it is, indeed, a flashback. However, when the narration bubble popped up alerting me that we were back to the present moment, I remembered right away.
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Lots of instances where there’s too much dialogue in one bubble, at least in my opinion! Again, I would suggest spacing it out a bit.
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I’m noticing a lot of rather unnecessary thought bubbles as well. An example was when Rio and Lexi were talking about Rio’s mom, and Lexi thinks “I hope she’s okay.” Lexi’s concern could have been shown through dialogue or animation rather than Lexi simply thinking it. Remember the classic rule when it comes to writing and story telling: Show, don’t tell!
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I liked that you let us actually choose whether or not we wanted to go to the gala. I got to stay home when I wanted to stay home. I hate it when stories make you do something you explicitly chose not to do!
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When Rio arrives to Bellthorne and is on her phone texting, I would advise getting a phone background/overlay for “text messages”. Just using narration bubbles while she’s on her phone doesn’t have the same effect.
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Speaking of text messages, you could have had a series of choices for them! It could have been something like this:
NARRATOR (RIO)
Whose message should I read?
Choice
“2 new messages from Mom.”{
Insert messages here.
}
“2 new messages from Dad.”{
Insert messages here.
}
“2 new messages from Lexi.”{
Insert messages here
}
ect.
A choice “game” like that would have felt way more interactive!
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When Rio is checking where her room is, it would be on the fourth floor, not four floor.
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I like that you list the times these scenes take place in. It gives me an idea of what the atmosphere is like… if that makes any sense lol. Little details like that make a story for me!
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I would use the @transition iris out black command in the scene where Lexi is waiting for Rio in the cafeteria. So she would text, “See you in 10”, and the directing could go as follows…
@transition iris out black [time]
INT. BLACK - NIGHT
@pause for a beat
NARRATOR
Ten minutes later…
CAFETERIA BACKGROUND
@LEXI stands screen wherever in zone wherever…
You get my point! If you use a transition like that, it makes it feel like some time has actually passed before Rio enters the scene.
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Again, SHOW that Rio is upset. Don’t have her think, “This is so upsetting”. As a reader, I’d rather see her act upset than think it!
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“Being in a crowded dorm full of sweaty rich kids and expensive champagne can’t be referred to as a party” Same, Rio… that sounds like a nightmare! 
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I really like your choices! Like, we’re able to choose whether or not we want to attend these various outings/parties! It makes me feel like I’m choosing my story, which I appreciate.
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I feel like I can’t touch base enough on these thought bubbles. I hope I’m not being too rude when I point them out! But again, why does Lexi have to think “haha” when we can already see that she’s laughing? A lot of the time, you already do a great job of SHOWING, just cut back on these thought bubbles a little bit!
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I can’t help but notice a lack of BG characters. This is a college, right? Where are the peeps at? You could have a lot of fun creating snobby looking characters for this, especially with how many clothes there are for LL!
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OH, it’s Sunday. That’s why no one’s on campus! I get it now lol.
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Instead of Lexi * sighing blissfully *, maybe find an animation that makes it look like she is? Show, don’t tell!
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It’s head over “heels”, not “heals”.
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I’ll say this one last time: The thought bubbles could easily be taken out without the reader missing anything. I promise, this is the last time I’ll mention them!
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It seems like my boy Ryan doesn’t have a lot to him… other than that he finds “ginger girl” attractive.
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I laughed at Lexi’s response to finding out that Ryan is a fellow student at Bellthorne.
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You know what? I feel like Lexi has the potential to be a really cool and outgoing character. She’s definitely my favorite one so far! Her development just needs to be worked on a little bit. Hopefully she progresses as I get further into the story!
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Again, I love the choices!
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I’d advise you to time how long your character walks to a certain spot. In the mall, for instance, when Rio walked to the back a little to make room for Ryan and Lexi, it literally looked like she flew there, she was so fast!
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“Come out from your hidey hole and get your ass out here now!” Hahahah. Rio can be a bit of a firecracker. I like it!!
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Personally, I don’t like the asterisk actions. It feels like filler and they don’t really serve anything.
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LMAO, how long does it take Lexi to put on mascara? That’s usually the quickest and easiest part? Unless I’m the one doing something wrong?? Lmao, I love how dramatic she is!
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Your BG characters at the party weren’t doing any animations. They were just standing there. It’s a party; they should be gettin’ their groove on, having a drink, or vomiting profusely!
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This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but Rio and Lexi are boy obsessed. It’s like hot guys are the only things they want to talk about. What about their studies? Their plans for the future?
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I see that most of the BG characters are the default ones Episode provides for LL. Again, you could have a lot of fun creating a bunch of rich, pompous looking students!
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I have a feeling Grace is going to be the antagonist for this story… Rio says on word to Ili, and Grace is already calling her a bitch… chill, girly!
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OOOOOH, Ili dissing Grace made me SCREECH. That was 
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When Ili and Grace were * yelling loudly * and * yelling back *, I would just have them do the yell animations and leave it at that. I think the reader will get the idea of what they’re doing, lol. Or you could always add in more argumentative dialogue while Rio is leaving?
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I like the semi-cliffhanger at the end of this episode. I wonder what Rio’s first day will be like? Will Ili burn Grace again? I want to read to find out!
Overall, I enjoyed this chapter and felt like my pass wasn’t wasted. Onto episode 2!
I will only accept five stories at a time. 
. All there was to him was his 
I drink so much coffee, it’s practically my blood type.
What in tarnation are those PANTS??? lmao
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Which is a good thing. It’s making me eager to find out how everything is going to unfold.
