Reviews by Gaia ✨ (CLOSED: 5/5 spots claimed!)

Thanks for starting this thread! If you’re still accepting reviews, I would love to hear your thoughts on my story. :blush:

Here are the detail if you’re able to check it out

Title: The Essentia Chronicles
Author: Tldax913
Style: Ink
Genre: fantasy
Number of episodes: 10 (ongoing)
Description: When a powerful young couple steals the Kings most prized possession, it starts a chain reaction that will either destroy their world or return it to its former glory.
Favorite Character: Josh
Link: HTTP://
Thank you :slightly_smiling_face:

1 Like

I would love a review for my story. Here is the information.

Title: Walking The Catwalk
Author: LivLoveDance7
Description: You try out for a modelling agency called Skylight. Will you get in? Who will you meet? Will you fall for your sexy boss or will you resit the temptation? (CC)
Style: Ink
Number of episodes: 4



Just for fun, who your favorite character is in your story: I would have to say Carla the best friend, because she is friendly and nice xx

published story.

1 Like

I just published a story. :heart:
Please read It and tell my what you think.

  • Name : JACKPOT
  • Genre : Mystery,Action,Romantic
  • Description : Your life changes when you inherit the number one casino from your gradpnfather.Will you save a casino or will you givi it to your brother. (CC) (Choice matters) Two endings.
    Episode 4 coming out very soom.

I think almost every person on this forum helped me with this story.Thank you for that.(At the end of epsode 2 you will see credits,find your name there.


Thanks to everyone who requested! I’ll try to have your reviews done asap. :sparkles:


Hey @meadowh! Thanks for being the first person to request a review. Let’s get right into it!


Disclaimer: My opinions are merely that: opinions. They shouldn’t discourage you, and they aren’t meant to be “attacks” on your story. You can either take what I say into consideration, or write me off as crazy and leave it at that! If you have any issues with your review, please feel free to PM me and let me know.

Also, since I’m extremely new at reviewing stories, this might be all over the place. I’ll try to make it as concise and organized as possible! :sparkles:

My thoughts on your story as a whole.

Cover: Your cover is beautiful! Did you make it yourself? I love how Rio is seemingly trapped behind those bars - I see what you did there lol. It ties in with the title perfectly! It’s also eye catching to the point that I would definitely click on it to see what it’s about, which I’m sure is what you were going for. Good job!

Description: I love your description. It gives me an idea of what your story is about/what I’m in for without giving away too much, so kudos! That’s exactly how a description should be! However, I did notice two grammatical errors. It should be something like: Your parents chuck you into Bellthorne Academy- a boarding school for only the richest. There , (add a comma) you meet a stranger who assigns you on a mission for millions of dollars . (add a period) CC
Other than that, it’s perfect!

Grammar: I didn’t notice too many errors in your story. There were a couple of times when your punctuation and spelling was off, but it wasn’t that bad to the point that I was getting annoyed. You use commas and periods when necessary, which I appreciate! Grammar is key!

Character development: I think you have room for improvement in this area. Your characters seemed a little one dimensional, especially Grace. I get it that she’s supposed to be mean and bitchy, but she was almost too mean and too bitchy. She didn’t have much of a personality other than hating Rio and being boy-hungry. Same thing with Ili :nauseated_face:. All there was to him was his fuckboy antics. You did a good job getting me to hate him, though!
I just wonder: where are the hobbies? The personalities? What do your characters like and dislike?

My favorite characters are Erin and Charlie. I also really like Lexi! :black_heart: You did a good job with me feeling connected to some of your characters. I do genuinely want the best for Rio, and I’d like to see her learn to stand up for herself and grow as a person!

Plot: I’m not gonna lie, it’s a bit cliche, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad! We have Rio, a girl with a troubled home life, who is sent to a new school with the classic blonde mean girl and hot guys as far as the eye can see. She’s the one all the guys swoon over because there’s something different about her.
You see what I mean? I feel like I’ve seen this story before. However, I do think you’ve done a good job putting your own little twist to it, and I can tell that you’ve put a lot of thought into this story. That’s what counts!

Dialogue: Your dialogue was good and fairly realistic. There were some things that were said that had me giggling. The only thing I would advise doing is spacing it out a little bit. There were some cases of you fitting 3 sentences into one bubble, and honestly, no one’s gonna want to read a long paragraph like that in one sitting. If you space it out, then that’ll make your chapters feel a bit longer, and it will be easier to read as well!
I would also advise removing the * asterick actions * and replacing them with either animations showing what they are doing, or add in actual dialogue.

Chapter length: I don’t have much to say here! Your chapters are a nice length. They’re not too long or too short. You fit a lot of action into them as well, which means that I never got bored while reading them. Nice job!

Choices: I absolutely loved your choices! I liked that we were able to choose whether or not we wanted to attend parties/go to outings. It made me feel like I was choosing my story, which is the entire point of Episode. I thought it was especially nice that you didn’t give us the choice to do something, but then make us do the exact opposite of what we originally wanted to do. If I want to stay in, let me stay in! Which you did. I dig it!

Directing: Your directing was very nice. I did notice a few instances of characters “popping” up out of no where in a scene, walking to a spot too slow or too fast, or entering into a scene one at a time rather than all at once. These are nothing major, though, and it didn’t bother me too much. The only thing that I kept noticing was your lack of zooms.
To summarize, I’d suggest playing around with the & command a little bit, using zooms, and timing your characters when they walk. :black_heart:

Now, here are my thoughts on your individual chapters! This also includes my reactions to certain scenes and characters.

Episode 1

Chapter 1:

  • Right off the bat, I noticed that there weren’t any splashes :frowning: Which made me sad, because I LOVE seeing the different kinds of art work people create for stories, and in yours, I didn’t see any. Instead, I was greeted with narration bubbles, one in particular I would scrap asap if I were you. You said that the episode would be “short” since it’s the pilot, which in all reality, your chapter length was absolutely fine. It was a little on the longer side of the spectrum, actually! Let the reader determine their own thoughts about the length before telling them at the beginning of the episode.
    Think of it like this: it’s better to have them read to it and find out for themselves than have them immediately click out because they don’t want to read something you’ve already revealed to be short (which it wasn’t)!

  • Maybe it’s my iPad, but is there sound in this story? Music? I can’t hear anything… could that be because you’ve made it that way? I only ask because in the beginning, you had a narration bubble that said loud knocks, or something to that effect, and I think it would be better to add in a knocking sound rather than narrating it. It makes the story more realistic! If you did have sound in your story and I just couldn’t hear it, disregard this comment lol.

  • Aw, Rio is beautiful the way she is! You clearly had a vision for her and her role in the story, especially if you stress the fact that the reader shouldn’t change her hair color because it’s important. Why include CC at all if that’s the case? I can see why you added it, as most people prefer to customize, but I think this story could have gone without it!

  • The boys walked into Rio’s apartment one at a time, which made everything feel very slow. Try playing around with the & command to give those boys the smooth, clean entry they deserve!

  • Oooh, I’m intrigued! I love it when stories begin with something dramatic happening, and then we’re taken back to “where it all began”. It totally captures my interest and makes me want to find out how Rio got to that point!

  • Again with the customization. If you really must include it, I would say to make it very limited. If you don’t want reader’s changing Rio’s hair, maybe take away that option entirely?That’s what I would do!

  • This is irrelevant, but Rio’s mom is really frickin’ pretty, haha.

  • I wish there was a broader use of zooms and more spot directing! It makes things a lot more visually appealing.

  • I would take out the slangs (like “oh lol”, “OMG”, “WTF”, ect.) in your story. It makes it seem less professional.

  • So something I’m noticing is that you’re not capitalizing things that should be capitalized, like in this case, Mom and Dad. When Rio is talking to her mom, she’s saying things like-
    “Well, mom…”
    “Where’s dad?”
    In this case, Mom and Dad are being used as names, so they should be capitalized. The only time you wouldn’t capitalize them is when they are preceded by “my”.
    "My mom…"
    "There’s my dad…"

  • I’m also noticing that you’re fitting a lot of dialogue into one speech bubble. Maybe try spacing it out a little more and using different animations to accompany them? Not only would that make your chapters a little longer, since you said you felt this first one was short, but it’s easier to read as well!

  • I saw a few typos when Rio’s mom is telling her that she’s going to be a student at Bellthorne.
    “Well, this’ll be THERE perfect time to tell you you’re already enrolled…” It should be the.
    “Privalege” is spelled “privilege”.

  • Dude, Rio’s mom is hecka insensitive!! When Rio was talking about all the ways her parents essentially “bribe” her so they don’t have to deal with her, that made me super sad, but the mom just didn’t seem to care at all. Cold as ice. :snowflake::snowflake::snowflake:

  • Maybe add a filter to that flashback? I kind of forgot that it was one, but that could totally be because I was reading this chapter at 2 in the morning, haha. Regardless, I’d suggest making it black and white or something just so the reader remembers that it is, indeed, a flashback. However, when the narration bubble popped up alerting me that we were back to the present moment, I remembered right away.

  • Lots of instances where there’s too much dialogue in one bubble, at least in my opinion! Again, I would suggest spacing it out a bit.

  • I’m noticing a lot of rather unnecessary thought bubbles as well. An example was when Rio and Lexi were talking about Rio’s mom, and Lexi thinks “I hope she’s okay.” Lexi’s concern could have been shown through dialogue or animation rather than Lexi simply thinking it. Remember the classic rule when it comes to writing and story telling: Show, don’t tell!

  • I liked that you let us actually choose whether or not we wanted to go to the gala. I got to stay home when I wanted to stay home. I hate it when stories make you do something you explicitly chose not to do!

  • When Rio arrives to Bellthorne and is on her phone texting, I would advise getting a phone background/overlay for “text messages”. Just using narration bubbles while she’s on her phone doesn’t have the same effect.

  • Speaking of text messages, you could have had a series of choices for them! It could have been something like this:
    Whose message should I read?
    “2 new messages from Mom.”{
    Insert messages here.
    “2 new messages from Dad.”{
    Insert messages here.
    “2 new messages from Lexi.”{
    Insert messages here
    A choice “game” like that would have felt way more interactive!

  • When Rio is checking where her room is, it would be on the fourth floor, not four floor.

  • I like that you list the times these scenes take place in. It gives me an idea of what the atmosphere is like… if that makes any sense lol. Little details like that make a story for me!

  • I would use the @transition iris out black command in the scene where Lexi is waiting for Rio in the cafeteria. So she would text, “See you in 10”, and the directing could go as follows…
    @transition iris out black [time]
    @pause for a beat
    Ten minutes later…
    @LEXI stands screen wherever in zone wherever…
    You get my point! If you use a transition like that, it makes it feel like some time has actually passed before Rio enters the scene.

  • Again, SHOW that Rio is upset. Don’t have her think, “This is so upsetting”. As a reader, I’d rather see her act upset than think it!

  • “Being in a crowded dorm full of sweaty rich kids and expensive champagne can’t be referred to as a party” Same, Rio… that sounds like a nightmare! :anguished:

  • I really like your choices! Like, we’re able to choose whether or not we want to attend these various outings/parties! It makes me feel like I’m choosing my story, which I appreciate.

  • I feel like I can’t touch base enough on these thought bubbles. I hope I’m not being too rude when I point them out! But again, why does Lexi have to think “haha” when we can already see that she’s laughing? A lot of the time, you already do a great job of SHOWING, just cut back on these thought bubbles a little bit!

  • I can’t help but notice a lack of BG characters. This is a college, right? Where are the peeps at? You could have a lot of fun creating snobby looking characters for this, especially with how many clothes there are for LL!

  • OH, it’s Sunday. That’s why no one’s on campus! I get it now lol.

  • Instead of Lexi * sighing blissfully *, maybe find an animation that makes it look like she is? Show, don’t tell!

  • It’s head over “heels”, not “heals”.

  • I’ll say this one last time: The thought bubbles could easily be taken out without the reader missing anything. I promise, this is the last time I’ll mention them!

  • It seems like my boy Ryan doesn’t have a lot to him… other than that he finds “ginger girl” attractive.

  • I laughed at Lexi’s response to finding out that Ryan is a fellow student at Bellthorne.

  • You know what? I feel like Lexi has the potential to be a really cool and outgoing character. She’s definitely my favorite one so far! Her development just needs to be worked on a little bit. Hopefully she progresses as I get further into the story!

  • Again, I love the choices!

  • I’d advise you to time how long your character walks to a certain spot. In the mall, for instance, when Rio walked to the back a little to make room for Ryan and Lexi, it literally looked like she flew there, she was so fast!

  • “Come out from your hidey hole and get your ass out here now!” Hahahah. Rio can be a bit of a firecracker. I like it!!

  • Personally, I don’t like the asterisk actions. It feels like filler and they don’t really serve anything.

  • LMAO, how long does it take Lexi to put on mascara? That’s usually the quickest and easiest part? Unless I’m the one doing something wrong?? Lmao, I love how dramatic she is!

  • Your BG characters at the party weren’t doing any animations. They were just standing there. It’s a party; they should be gettin’ their groove on, having a drink, or vomiting profusely!

  • This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but Rio and Lexi are boy obsessed. It’s like hot guys are the only things they want to talk about. What about their studies? Their plans for the future?

  • I see that most of the BG characters are the default ones Episode provides for LL. Again, you could have a lot of fun creating a bunch of rich, pompous looking students!

  • I have a feeling Grace is going to be the antagonist for this story… Rio says on word to Ili, and Grace is already calling her a bitch… chill, girly!

  • OOOOOH, Ili dissing Grace made me SCREECH. That was :fire::fire:

  • When Ili and Grace were * yelling loudly * and * yelling back *, I would just have them do the yell animations and leave it at that. I think the reader will get the idea of what they’re doing, lol. Or you could always add in more argumentative dialogue while Rio is leaving?

  • I like the semi-cliffhanger at the end of this episode. I wonder what Rio’s first day will be like? Will Ili burn Grace again? I want to read to find out!

Overall, I enjoyed this chapter and felt like my pass wasn’t wasted. Onto episode 2!

Episode 2
  • Just the title of this chapter has me excited!

  • OHHH HELL NOOOO, POOR RIO HAS TO SIT WHERE??? You know I’m about to ask the teacher to reconsider!

  • “It must be that time of the month for her!” LEXI!!! I was rooting for you! :confounded:

  • Lmao, Grace doesn’t know who Shakespeare is. That made me giggle.

  • I like the name for the group chat!

  • Erin is pretty chill. I like her.

  • Omg Rio, girl, he called you carrot head… why are you gettin’ butterflies lmao???

  • ILI, WHAT THE EFF. I SAID NO?? He’s super demanding! :nauseated_face:

  • When Lexi and Erin are sitting at the table, they’re a little low. It looks like they’re under the table almost? I’d spot direct them!

  • Also, in the beginning of that scene before Lexi wonders were Rio is, Erin says “blah, blah, blah”. I would add in dialogue or take that out.

  • Okay, so I’m really curious about how this date is going to go… I have a feeling it’s going to be a mess.

  • Once again, I really like that you list the times in which these scenes are occuring!

  • Ili. :nauseated_face:

  • Three days after the first date and he already wants her to be his GF? Haven’t they only known each other for like five days? Lol!

  • Again, ILI. :nauseated_face::anguished:

  • The ending for this one made me sad. Poor Lexi. Poor Rio. Stupid Ili. I like how you incorporated the title into Rio’s proclamation!

I enjoyed this chapter! Onto three!

Episode 3
  • You’ve finally gotten the phone background! I would suggest doing this for all of your text message scenes! It looks good.

  • Ili has no shame wtf. :nauseated_face: I literally hate him.

  • I feel like these character’s personalities just revolve around who they find hot/bangable. I know you can add more substance to them!

  • Rio just kisses Mr. West on the cheek like it’s nothing??? I’m pretty sure him liking that she kissed him is hecka illegal too lol.

  • Dang, Rio’s mom doesn’t play around. :snowflake::snowflake::snowflake:

  • I’d be FREAKING out if I was Rio! Not only does her mom mean business, but now she has to deal with this Boss guy, too! She seems kind of indifferent about everything, whereas I think anyone else would be totally worried and scared.

  • Before I began episode 4, I gave you a five star rating because I can see that you’ve put a lot of effort into this story. I’m actually really enjoying it so far! :+1:

Episode 4
  • Again, Rio seems pretty nonchalant about this whole thing. If I were her, I’d be having a breakdown or something lol.
  • I like Charlie lol, he’s cool.
  • "…I was trapped in it." I love the references to the title!
  • Hmm… cocky and rude or shy and apologetic?? RUDE FTW! :crazy_face:
  • How old is Mr. West? Bc everyone keeps alluding to the fact that he’s super old when I feel like he could be in his late 20’s or early 30’s lol.
  • ILI CAN BACK ALL THE WAY OFF, I’m tryna’ take care of business here lmao!!
  • Yeah, Ili, shut the hell up! You tell him, Rio!!!
  • I’m totally agreeing w/ Ryan. Screw Ili lmao. :nauseated_face:
  • Not much to say other than that Grace is cuckoo!

This chapter felt a little shorter than your previous two, but it wasn’t short enough for me to feel like I straight up wasted my pass. Onto five!

Episode 5
  • Ryan seems like a genuine dude. I wonder why he’s a target. :thinking:
  • Your dialogue has definitely improved in this episode. It feels natural. I like it!
  • Omfg?? What is he doing in my dorm??? What a weirdo!
  • Dang, Mr. West is kinda smokin’…
  • “He was even wearing jewelry, which I found very attractive.” SAME.
  • Remember to time your characters when they’re walking!
  • This is wrong of me to say since it’s SO illegal, but I like the chemistry between Mr. West and Rio. They seem like they’d make a good team.
  • “I don’t need to be caffeinated to be happy.” Oh, how I wish I could say the same! :sweat: I drink so much coffee, it’s practically my blood type.
  • Rio is growing on me. I like how goofy and sarcastic she can be!
  • She’s also super sly wtf! #givemrwesthiskeysback2k18
  • Mr. West’s sleep attire!!! :hushed: What in tarnation are those PANTS??? lmao
  • I’m noticing that you’re using zooms a lot more in this episode. It looks great! Good job!
  • Wtf, who is that in his office??? That was pretty unexpected and a good cliffhanger!
  • Your note at the end: You SHOULD be proud of this episode! It was really good. I could definitely tell how much work and time went into it. Amazing! :revolving_hearts::two_hearts:

Final thoughts: I really like your story and will continue reading for sure! There are a few things that could be worked on, such as your use of zooms and character development. I wish that there were splashes, too. But overall, you’ve done a marvelous job with this, and I can’t wait to see how this story progresses!

I hope this review helped you! Cheers! :sparkles::black_heart:

1 Like

Thank you so much for your in depth feedback! It means so much! I’ve never received a review that was as well thought out as yours!

I did see you mentioning a lot about directing. This is basically my first story lol so I did’t really know what to do (the first chapter took me weeks to figure out all the coding) I know usually some people make a draft story that they’re never gonna publish to sort of “test out” coding on episode, and for me, Trapped was gonna be that draft! But I liked it too much haha! Anyway, I use way better coding in later episodes (such as more zooms and spot directing!) Sorry you had to sit through those awfully directed “beginning” chapters! (But it means a lot to me)

You also mentioned about splashes? I don’t actually know how to add them I’m that new lol. And whilst we’re on the subject… Yeah, I made all my art myself! Although I had a little help adding that bricked background to my story cover- I was feeling too lazy lol.

Also with character development, I agree. I want to make Lexi and Rio more in depth. i want them to be strong and independent girls and I think I will show that in future chapters! As for the rest of the characters, I will develop them further as I go, so they don’t have the usual cliche feel about them.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my story and being so kind and helpful about it!

You sure know a lot about writing… if you have a story I’d be delighted to read it, I’m sure it’s incredible! Could you leave a link?

Thank you!! :relaxed:

Btw, here’s the link to my art thread if you ever need anything haha!

1 Like

Omg you’re so welcome! I’m glad you found it helpful! I was worried that I maybe came off a bit harsh, but like I said, I’m only trying to help lol. It’s relieving to hear that I wasn’t pulling an Ili and being a jerk :sweat_smile:

For this being your first ever story, it wasn’t awful at all! It didn’t feel like I was “sitting through” anything, but rather I was just reading a story, an entertaining one at that! You seriously did a great job. :heart:

You use splashes the exact same way you would use a regular background. So after you upload your splash and Episode approves it, you would add it in like, INT. SOUND SPLASH - DAY. Simple as that!! :blush: Judging by how cool and creative your cover art is, I’m curious to see what splashes you come up with if you ever decide to add any.
I plan on continuing with your story, so I can’t wait to see how Lexi and Rio develop, as well as your other characters. That’ll be cool to see!

I do have a story! I If you really want to check it out, that’d be amazing. Here’s the link:

I’ll be sure to come to you for art if I need any in the future! Your work is beautiful, and so is your writing. Keep at it! :heart_eyes:

1 Like

Thanks so much! There’s just one thing… I don’t know where on the portal to get my backgrounds/splashes reviewed hahaha.

Anyway, I’ll be sure to check yours out on Sunday as I am out the whole of today, but I like returning the favour when it comes to reading my story!

(And no, you weren’t harsh at all! It was constructive criticism which I love)

1 Like

Oooh, I see. If you’re ever curious on how to do it, this thread should help you out:
:framed_picture: HOW TO: Upload Cover / Background / Overlay

Anyways, yeah lol. :two_hearts: Hope you enjoy my story!


Thanks sm!!

1 Like

Hey @S_Unique! I’m finished with your review! This time without accidentally posting it lol! :black_heart:


Disclaimer: My opinions are merely that: opinions. They shouldn’t discourage you, and they aren’t meant to be “attacks” on your story. You can either take what I say into consideration, or write me off as crazy and leave it at that! If you have any issues with your review, please feel free to PM me and let me know.

Also, since I’m extremely new at reviewing stories, this might be all over the place. I’ll try to make it as concise and organized as possible! :sparkles:

My thoughts on your story as a whole.

Cover: I really like your cover! I don’t think I’ve seen something like it before, so it definitely caught my eye. The pops of color really make it stand out, and the way the characters are placed makes me wonder who they are and what their story is. Like, why is the blonde woman winking and who is that directed at? Why is the dude in the leather jacket screaming? How come the woman with the braid and the man with the brown hair are having what appears to be a face-off? I’m intrigued, which I’m sure is what you were going for. Nice job! And kudos to the artist(s) who created it!

Story description: Your description is very nice. It’s not too much, but not too little. It’s simple in a way that makes it alluring… if that makes sense. It definitely makes me want to read this story and find out about the curse and how this battle between good and evil will pan out!

Grammar: I think I saw you say on a different thread that English isn’t your first language, which is totally fine! With that being said, for English not being your first language, your grammar was awesome! However, it could be worked on a little bit. It wasn’t horrible or anything, but it could definitely use some polishing up. I’d suggest finding a proofreader. Or, I could always help you if you have any questions! I tried to help you with some of your errors down below, and they mainly came down to your use of commas and spelling. Everything else I saw looked good. :black_heart:

Character Development: I like John and his independence + determination to make something of himself, despite being in a place that is hindering his growth. I feel like your characters were pretty distinct and had differing personalities, which is good! None of them were one dimensional, except maybe Rosalind. All there is to her is her bitchiness. She’s not really a main character, though, so I suppose her development doesn’t matter that much. Anyway, there’s nothing else really to mention other than that you’ve done a great job!

Plot: Your plot is extremely interesting. It’s refreshing to read a story with a religious aspect to it, because you don’t really see talk of religion a whole lot on Episode. Same thing with the male MC; very rarely will stories have one! Overall, I found the plot of your story to be creative, unique (no wonder that word is in your username!), and nicely executed. You must have done a lot of research!

Dialogue: Your dialogue was interesting and nicely spaced out. The only thing I would say is to check where you’re placing your speech bubbles and which direction the tails are facing. There were a couple of times where the tails weren’t facing the character that was speaking. Apart from that, everything was great!

Chapter length: I don’t really have a lot to say here. I think your chapters were long, which I liked! Personally, I prefer longer chapters with a good amount of action, and yours were just that. Good job!

Choices: I didn’t notice a whole lot of choices other than the ones that gained us points. I would maybe go through and add in a few meaningless ones just so it feels more interactive. In any case, I think it’s cool that our choices matter and will affect our ending. It definitely makes me feel like I’m contributing to the story.

Directing: Your directing was clean and mostly error free. The only thing I wish you would have done is used the & command a bit more, as well as utilize zooms. I think it would have made everything a bit more visually appealing. But I liked your use of different backgrounds and overlays. They really added an extra dimension to your story!

Now, here are my thoughts on your individual chapters! This also includes my reactions to certain scenes and characters.

Chapter 1
  • Your splashes are beautiful. I feel like they really add to the theme of the story!

  • Hmm, I’m not sure about that author’s note. I think you could have put the points system thing into a readerMessage or a narration bubble and that would have sufficed just fine. I don’t think the customization needed to be explained at all!

  • I left John as is bc he’s cute haha

  • Again, instead of you coming out and telling the reader, “Let’s get on with the story!”, you could have just transitioned to the beginning without commenting and no one would have missed anything. I think it would make for a cleaner beginning!

  • I love your background in the beginning when Delilah is narrating! It looks like something out of a fairy tale. Gorgeous!

  • I like the religious aspect to this story already. It’s super refreshing, considering you hardly see talk of religion on Episode!

  • Your use of overlays in the scene where God is sending Lucifer to rule Hell is amazing!

  • The way John is describing Monteray makes me glad I don’t live there lol

  • I’m noticing a few grammatical errors. For example:
    "Well, I guess it’s always better to be awkward John then (it’s than, and there’s no need for a comma after), who’s (who’s is a contraction. It’s either who is or who has, which wouldn’t work in the context of your sentence. Whose, on the other hand, is the possessive form of who. Since John is referring to his father, whose is the correct one to use!)

  • In John’s flashback, make sure you’re referring to everything in the correct tense. For example:
    “She was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” Because this is a flashback, everything should be in past tense, so it wouldn’t be I’ve, it would be I’d.

  • Woo-hoo! Five points!

  • Struck by grief, not grieve. Also, rumors spread through town, not spreed!

  • Instead of using the word common, I would either use “come on” or “c’mon”.

  • “So just because someone is different and doesn’t go to church than it’s a devil’s worshipper?”
    While I like the truth this sentence holds, I do think it could be worded a little better? Maybe something like this:
    “So just because someone is different and doesn’t go to church, that means they’re a devil worshiper?”

  • Haha, I like Kit already. When he went to go flirt with the ladies, that made me giggle!

  • “No. Movement it’s still pretty low with all the folks coming back from their vacations.”
    This could be worded a little better as well. Maybe something like:
    “No, business has been pretty slow. Folks are still coming back from their vacations!”

  • I like your use of different backgrounds. The one you’ve used for the kitchen is super neat!

  • Woah, Denise really went there lol. That escalated quickly!

  • “If you didn’t spent all your time reading or sleeping…” It should be spend.

  • I wonder what actually happened to Denise… poor girl.

  • “Never mind what I mean! I have to go bake a pie.” This made me laugh for some reason lmao!

  • In my opinion, John’s thoughts in the cemetery would be better suited in a narration bubble.

  • When Delilah pops up in the cemetery, she’s to the left of John. When John turns to face her and is idle_rear, he’s facing right, so it looks like he’s not even looking at her when I’m pretty sure you wanted him to. To fix this, you’d have to code it like this:
    @JOHN is idle_rear AND JOHN faces right
    For some reason with the rear animations, you always want them facing the opposite direction of where you want them actually looking.

  • “As your friend, I would advice you…” It should be advise.

  • Instead of “Somethings are meant to be left alone”, it should be “Some thing’s are meant to be left alone”.

  • That flashback though!

  • I feel like Earl could have been given some sort of an introduction before John finds him on the side of the road. Since he’s the town drunk, maybe you could add him making a fool out of himself in the beginning or something?

  • Five points again, yay!

  • I wonder what the story is between Delilah and John. Very intriguing!

  • “Was it a dirty kind of dream?” HAHAAHAHA

  • This episode had a good cliffhanger. It makes me want to read to find out what’s going to happen!

Overall, this episode was a nice length and I didn’t feel like I wasted my pass or anything. The characters were introduced nicely, so now I feel like I have a pretty good idea of who they are and what they might be like in future episodes. There’s also a lot that was left unanswered, such as what really happened to Denise and what Aunt Della is hiding, so I want to read to read on to find out!
Speaking of which, onto episode 2!

Chapter 2
  • In the scene where we’re back in “Heaven” after Delilah’s narration in the desert, your characters pop in out of no where. I’d suggest pre-placing them in the scene using the & command, and then @transition fade in white x. This will make it look a lot cleaner!

  • I really do love the religious themes. As a Catholic, it’s kind of fun to read lol.

  • I like that you’ve made all of the female angels wear the same dress, but in different colors. It’s a small detail, but I definitely notice it. And I also like how the color of their dress sorta corresponds with their role! Like how Hana is in green because she’s botanical. :herb:

  • That cloud background is stunning omg. Seriously, I love your choice of backgrounds. They really add to the story and make it a little more special!

  • “They are nothing more than savages.”

  • Their whole existence is a mistake.”

  • I like how when you’re naming the Horsemen, it’s in BOLD.

  • lol… is it bad that I find Constantine kind of hot? :thinking:

  • “That woman will be the death of me.”

  • “So many beautiful places these idiots managed to create, like Paris and the pyramids.”

  • LOL the sentence that followed after made me spit out my coffee.

  • Your speech bubbles were a bit off when Hana was telling those two girls off with William. The tails were facing down instead of up?

  • I wonder what Aunt Della knows!

  • The way you’ve written this chapter is very suspenseful and mysterious. :sunglasses: Which is a good thing. It’s making me eager to find out how everything is going to unfold.

  • I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be diner, not dinner.

  • That cliffhanger though! :hushed:

This chapter was a great length and was packed full of suspense and action. I enjoyed it!
Onto three!

Chapter 3
  • Your description of this episode “Death comes for all!!” entices me. I have a feeling this chapter is going to be dramatic just by that alone!

  • You’re only good to train my demons and nothing more.”

  • Oooh, John’s book choice! This’ll be interesting.

  • John’s thoughts when he sees Delilah in the cemetery would be better suited as narration imo.

  • 10 points baby, WOOOHOOO! I wanted that special scene!

  • For some reason, I’m kind of getting a weird vibe off of Kit?? Hmm… maybe I’m just being paranoid lol

  • Back at it again with the cliffhangers! The way you compiled all those scenes together really made it dramatic. Good work!

This chapter felt a little shorter than your other ones, but no biggie. I still enjoyed it!
Onto four (horsemen)! :wink:

Chapter 4
  • I gave you a five star rating. I’ve never read a story like this before! With all the hard work it must have taken to plan this out and write it, this story deserves 10 stars. :two_hearts:

  • Again, I think John’s thoughts would be better suited for narration!

  • I like how Lucifer is planting doubts and resentment into Delilah’s mind. They say that the Devil is the master of lies, and you’ve conveyed that very well.

  • Delilah is her own person. She’s not afraid to stand up for herself. I like it!

  • Hana and William are cute together!

  • Your soul overlay was cool!

  • I’ve just now noticed this, but your characters never seem to change clothes. I would maybe create more outfits for them, even if you just change the shirt they’re wearing. I think it would definitely make everything feel more realistic and like time has passed in this story. Maybe you already did and I just wasn’t paying attention, so if that was the case, disregard this comment lol.

  • The overlay you used for Lucifer was super scary looking! I’d scream if that thing came near me! :anguished:

  • Again, I like how you’ve made Lucifer super deceptive and manipulative, as that’s how he’s seen in most religions.

  • I’ve noticed that you’re using the word though instead of thought. I would go back and change that!

  • I like what you said about the motives behind crimes. That made me think for a minute.

This chapter was a good length.
Onto five! :raised_hand_with_fingers_splayed:

Chapter 5
  • Lucifer saying he did nothing wrong really adds to his narcissism. Seriously, you’ve done an excellent job portraying him!! I can’t stress this enough!! :smiling_imp:

  • I like that we’re able to choose what Hana wears to the party.

  • I have a feeling something is going to go horribly wrong at this party???

  • “I’m gonna help John in the lady department!” LOL, I seriously love Kit! And I love how Aunt Della put him in his place lmao

  • Some of your BG characters at the party are the default characters Episode provides for INK. I would suggest going back and changing their features a bit!

  • A lot of them are “frozen”, too. Maybe make them do some of the looping animations? Have them dance? That way it’ll actually feel and look like we’re at a party. :tada:

  • “I’ll never let go,” aweeeeee :disappointed_relieved:

  • That ending!?!?!?! :astonished:

Well, fart. Why’d you have to leave me hanging like that? Lmao!

Final thoughts: Wow. Reading this was a really cool and unique experience. It’s obvious how much time and effort has gone into this story! Your plot was clear, your chapters were entertaining, and your writing was great… I seriously hate you for ending it on that note though :rofl::triumph: just kidding, ahahah. I’m so curious as to how everything is going to unfold in the upcoming chapters. Great work!

I hope this review helped you! Cheers! :sparkles::black_heart:

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Thank you so much for this review. I’m really glad you liked it.:slight_smile::heart_eyes:
English is not my first language so sometimes I have a lot of mistakes, I’m really sorry about that. and I’ll definitly fix that and try to pay more attention.:confused:
P.s- just in case you want to know chapter 6 will be Delilah’s crime…just saying…:joy::joy::joy:

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You don’t have to apologize! I’ve heard that English is a pretty hard language to learn. Yours was great! :sparkling_heart:
Thanks for requesting a review! I had a lot of fun doing it and I can’t wait for 6 :heart_eyes:

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@Mary-P @TLdax913 @LivLoveDance7

Hey folks!
So I have a pretty busy week ahead of me in terms of writing (I have a lot to catch up on bc I’ve been procrastinating WAY too much :confounded:), which means your reviews might be out a little later than expected. I really want to put all of my energy and attention into my own stories, especially since I’m aiming to update one of them this Saturday.
Anyways, hopefully I’ll be able to review your stories this week, or by next week at the very latest. I’m so so sorry for the delay, but I hope you understand! I promise that they WILL get done.
Thank you! :two_hearts::sparkles:


Take your time, sweetie.

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Okay, take your time! :slight_smile:
Looking forward to your review.

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I’ve started some of your story and it’s soooo good I’m only on chapter 2 but the chapters are so long that I feel like I’m already halfway through the story! :joy::joy:

I’ll definitely keep reading! :two_hearts:

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lol omg thank you! :joy: I got fan mail once that said they’d only read the first chapter, but it felt like the whole season… like they enjoyed it, but it was super duper lengthy. I guess I write the episodes a lot longer than I think I do!! :grimacing: :sparkling_heart:

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Haha don’t worry it’s fine I like long chapters!

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