🦋 Reviews / Proofreading 🦋

Hello! School is about to start so I’ll only keep this thread up for around 2 weeks, but in those 2 weeks, I would love to review/proofread yall’s stories.

Rules:

  • I will only be reading the first 3 chapters because that’s as many as you need to determine if a story is good or needs work
  • Please be patient, I have a life too I guess.
  • Don’t be mean or rude, please.
  • That’s it!

What I will comment on:

  • Title
  • Cover
  • Story Description
  • Directing
  • Grammar and Spelling
  • Plot
  • Dialogue
  • The story’s overall flow
If you would like me to review/proofread your story fill out this form
  • Image of Cover
  • Title
  • Story Description
  • How’s your day going :kissing_heart:

Review In Progress
ft.lex

Up Next
_hxxd
lqwalter
tanji
emerald.epi
Reepicheep-chan
Shen

8 Likes

Hi, I would love to hear your thoughts on my story. Can you send it to me through DM though?

  • Image of Cover
Story Card

  • Title: The Key Holder
  • Story Description: Max is living with guilt. Riley is living with anger. What will happen when fate brings them together? Will they be each other’s key holder?
  • How’s your day going: I’m doing great, hope you are too. :slight_smile:

Thank you! :slight_smile:

Of course! And I’ll start on it right away :relaxed:

1 Like

Thanks so much for this thread! I just released this almost 10 days ago.

P.S. The cover hasn’t been updated yet so expect it to look a little different. Description/Name are the same though.
Cover:

Title: Lost In The Stars

Story Description:
When shipwreck leaves you lost at sea with a band of pirates can you use the stars to navigate? With a crazed king on your tail and treasure on the map this sea is full of secrets.

How’s your day going :kissing_heart: : Pretty great! Hope your day is filled some good karma for making this thread. :joy:

:joy: Thank you! And I’ll get to reviewing your story as soon as I’m done with the person before you :blush:

1 Like

Hey, I’d love a review!

Story: A Dozen + One
Author: Giulianna (Insta Handle: @giulianna_creates)
Genre: Drama
Style: Limelight
Current Episodes: 6
Description: Trying to take care of eleven people plus himself in one house is an easy job… right? But what will happen when Derek Roberts gets Tracey Donovan to move in with him too? | CC |
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6073379024601088

Thank you so much for doing this thread! It will be an honour if you reviewed my story.

Story Cover:
image

Title: How To Get Revenge On Your Ex

Story Description: Life is hell for you and you know who to blame, your Ex! With a bit of creativity and the help of your friends, you go on an adventure to get your revenge!

The Link:

How’s my day going: Things could be better if I could throw my math textbook out the window.

:joy: :joy: Ugh math sucks. Thank you for requesting and I’ll review your story as soon as possible!

1 Like

Oh, I’m sorry I just realized I didn’t reply to you :pleading_face: I will review your story as soon as I’m done with the person above you :blush:

1 Like

@Mare I have finished your review/proofreading! All of these are just suggestions and my opinions, you do not have to do anything I say.

First Impression

Title: I like the title and how it connects really well with the plot. It definitely could strike someone as a pirate love story which it doesn’t seem like that is what you’re going for.
Cover: It’s unique and I like it. The cover is also of high quality which is always good.
Description: Your description is pretty enticing and I would give it a read. Add a comma here though: With a crazed king on your tail and treasure on the map, this sea is full of secrets.

Episode 1

Directing:

  • Your intro is nice, I like how you did the character option. I suggest adding some music to make it better.
  • Add some ambient noise in the background of the first scene where the grandma and kid are talking.
  • Your use of overlays is really good!
  • Dang my handwriting is bad lol
  • When she’s in the water having a flashback of her past I think it would be better to take out the reader message that it is a flashback. It kind of takes away from the story because you’re telling the reader what’s happening rather than letting them figure it out which is more engaging.
  • When she passes out there’s a flash where you see the next scene. Try and fix that so we don’t see the guy before she opens her eyes.
  • When the main character and Jonah are talking in the cabin she looks really small. You probably meant for her to be short compared to him but it kind of looks like she’s a child. Maybe try not showing their feet so you could lower her to the height you want but she would still be a decent scale size.
  • When she’s changing and she does the action to take her pants off have it so she actually does that it’s a little odd that they’re still on (that was a weird sentence to type)
  • I love how you did the build an outfit thing. Super creative and fun.
  • That mini-game to catch the fish was really hard. Maybe slow them down because I don’t think anyone’s reflexes are that fast. I like the idea though.
  • After eating breakfast the transition to the next scene messes up and there is a flash where you see the scene then it goes out and back in.
  • I don’t remember if you put music in at the end of this episode I just noticed it in the second episode. If you didn’t you should add it.

Dialogue:

  • Your dialogue was hilarious and very natural. No corrections needed

Grammar / Spelling - correction in bold:

  • I guess that ’s the only thing I can thank the King for.
  • She would’ve wanted this, I tell myself. - you put a comma at the end of the sentence it should be a period
  • She would’ve loved seeing me come this far. - you put a comma at the end of the sentence it should be a period
  • I had some problems where I lived before and this is where I found the help I needed
Episode 2

No outstanding or noticeable errors on this episode :hugs:

Episode 3

Directing:

  • There’s no music in the intro of this episode like the 2nd episode
  • For the mushroom mini-game, make the circles turn a brighter color. I was sitting there tapping the circle like an idiot for a good minute because I couldn’t see the color change

Dialogue: :+1:

Grammar / Spelling:

  • My end of the agreement is being held up now, I just need a few more days
  • Then he told me something that made my blood turn to ice in my veins
Overall

Directing: Your directing had minimal errors and was very advanced. The mini-games were really fun to play and your choices were meaningful in the story which readers appreciate. I would suggest adding music, sounds, and just some background noises for some scenes because readers don’t like to sit in silence as they read. It could also help set the mood of a scene and add more depth to the story.

Dialogue: I loved the dialogue and interactions between the characters. None of your dialogue seemed forced or cringy and it all flowed very smoothly. It was also extremely funny.

Grammar / Spelling: Little mistakes here and there but nothing that would deter readers from continuing your story.

Plot: I am in love with the plot. It is a fresh idea and very interesting. I have read other pirate stories on Episode and none of them have really intrigued me like this one. I will definitely be adding it to my favorites!

Overall Flow: The story flows very nicely. At no point did it feel too slow or rushed. Everything moved at the just right pace and all of the scenes felt like they had a purpose rather than just being put there to make the story longer. The episode lengths were also good.

This episode is definitely going on my favorites list and I look forward to reading more of it! All you need is some publicity and your story will be a big hit. Keep up the good work!

1 Like

I’m bookmarking this :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

1 Like

Thanks for this thread! I’d love a review :heart:Here’s mine :relaxed:

Title: Sealed with a Kiss
Genre: Drama, Romance, Mystery
Episodes: 5 (more coming soon)
Description: Working as a criminal lawyer, Aria is more than happy with her normal life. What‘ll happen when she gets thrown into a world full of glitz and glamour overnight?
Instagram: @tsukino.creates
This story includes: Advanced directing, multiple point systems, Art Scenes, Choices that matter
Style: Limelight
Link:

episodeinteractive.com

The Best Stories Are Worth Sharing: Sealed with a Kiss [4 + 5]

Checkout this story, on the Episode App! If you like it, support the story by passing it along!

Cover:

Thanks so much for reading! I’ll definitely add music to my future stories if not future chapters and check for grammar better, I’m glad you enjoyed it. Gaining publicity is very difficult without IG but if other authors can do it, so can I .

1 Like

@giulianna_creates I have finished reviewing/proofreading your story! All of these are just suggestions and my opinions, you do not have to do anything I say.

First Impression

Title: Very creative and captivating
Cover: I like it and would definitely click on your story if I was scrolling through Episode
Description: It kind of falls flat. I mean taking care of 11 people doesn’t sound easy at all but then he tries to get another person to live with him? It does make me wanna know what’s going through his head but only because I/ve read it a couple of times. Other readers will only read it once and I don’t know if it’s enough to sell them on reading it.

Episode 1

Directing:

  • Adding an author introduction is a major story turn-off. Readers don’t want to know about you, they want to read your story. Most people exit out of a story if the author immediately starts talking to them because they don’t have the patience. We want to get to the meat and potatoes of the story immediately. I suggest taking it out completely or at least moving it to the end.
  • The thing about your situation with writing could be put in an FAQ option at the end. As someone who hasn’t read your other story this part is uninteresting to me and other readers like me.
  • Having the author state the character’s situation is also a big turn-off. Readers will find out that they’re playing as Derick Roberts as they read the story. They should also find out through the story how he has 12 siblings. A scene where Derick is handing out lunches and all 12 of the siblings comes by to pick there’s up would be cute and it still lets readers know just how many siblings he has. It also adds more of a wow factor to see it than read it making readers more engaged in the story. Remember show don’t tell.
  • I suggest saving character customization for later. This should be done after you have given the reader some of the story so they can determine if they’re interested enough to take the time to customize their character. If you put the customization before the story, readers feel like they’re wasting their time and might exit your story.
  • The intro is super cute and should definitely be put first to attract readers.
  • The part where Derick is narrating his life at the coffee shop should be cut short or cut out. This is another show-not-tell thing. All of this could be worked into the story in interesting interactions rather than a long narration.

Dialogue:

  • “Maybe also adding in a dog to add a little extra touch” - try, Maybe a dog for an extra touch
  • “I’d possibly kill the Spinach Chicken lady by poisoning her food…” - I don’t know if you meant to say this but it would read better as “I could kill the Spinach Chicken Lady by poisoning her food…”.
  • “Vincent, stop punching your twin brother” - just say brother. The twin part is redundant and doesn’t read naturally
  • “You literally gave up two weeks just to help take care of eleven kids…” - is it supposed to be twelve kids?
  • “And it might possibly only be the twelve of us for god knows how long…” - shouldn’t it be the thirteen of us? - twelve siblings + him
  • “Then I will go above and beyond and take drastic measure to help all of us” - take out the drastic measures part or the above and beyond part, having both is redundant
  • “Other than my boyfriend and all my friends from college, he is my brother and will always be my brother” - This line doesn’t make sense.

Grammar / Spelling - correction in bold:

  • Oh so now you expect me to wait even longer?
  • No, how dare you to speak to an employee with that mouth of yours - take out you
  • The truth is… deep down inside I am scared for Gretchen’s future
  • And I feel like if I were to tell her what is going on with me and about my whole situation…
Episode 2

Directing:

  • The choice - I hope he’ll agree with me and But what if he disagrees with me? - is unnecessary. Both of the options seem the same so I don’t feel like they would take you in different directions. Either remove the choice or make the choices different.
  • When Derek is at the police station and Darrell is talking, his speech bubble covers the other officer’s head. Move it down some so you can still see the other officer’s face cause it looks a little odd.
  • I’ve noticed this a couple of times now, but you keep saying eleven kids when derrick is referring to them. This contradicts your description which says Derek has 12 siblings. By saying this you’re implying there are 13 children total - Derek + 12 siblings. I feel like this is messed up all of the times you mention it.

Dialogue:

  • All of the dialogue has the same problem which I explain in the overall section

Grammar / Spelling:

  • But one thing I will tell you to do is tell Derek about the child - I also removed some of the wording from the sentence because it wasn’t needed.
  • You need to talk to him and figure this out together
  • I was gonna tell him anyway, Lyla
Episode 3

Directing:

  • No problems with the technical part of directing. You have great advanced directing.

Dialogue:

  • All of the dialogue has the same problem which I explain in the overall section

Grammar / Spelling:

  • Not much, just really wordy sentences.
Overall

Directing: You had no technical directing problems and your directing is pretty advanced which is good. However, the writing of the story needs some improvement. You have a lot of narration going on in your story that is unnecessary and frankly boring. The majority of people don’t want to read biographies but I feel like every time I’m introduced to a new character I’m reading an essay about them. Instead, show their personality through interactions with their character. For example, when we are introduced to Tracey’s brother the whole part about his rules and regulations can be taken out because you show his personality through how he talks to Tracey about being at school on time, how short her dress is, and when Derick says he doesn’t want to be caught by her brother. Isaac also doesn’t need the narration. Readers will figure out his role throughout the story, we don’t want it shoved in our face the second we meet him.

Dialogue: Your dialogue is too long. A lot of it is redundant and can be shortened into one small, simple sentence rather than three long, complicated sentences. For example, during the police station scene, the officer says, “Derek, I understand the circumstance of the situation that you’ve been put through.” this could easily be rephrased as “Derek, I understand your situation.” This sounds more natural and is easier for the audience to read and understand. The majority of your sentences are like this so I suggest you go back and revise them to make them short and sweet.

Grammar / Spelling: You didn’t have that many grammar/spelling errors. The problem was just how you worded the sentences, making them longer than needed.

Plot: I actually really like your plot. Like this dude has way too many siblings which is definitely something you can play and have fun with because there are so many different personalities under one roof. It just needs some better execution with the dialogue and narration problems.

Overall Flow: The flow of your story was good. Without the narration, it would be even better. This way readers don’t feel like the episode is long and drawn out. However, all of your scenes had a purpose and nothing felt rushed or like it didn’t belong there.

Your story needs some work but it definitely has potential. Just make sure you watch out for long sentences that can be shortened and too much narration rather than action.

@Tsukino_94 Thank you for requesting! I will get to your story as soon as possible :blush:

1 Like

Omg yes, please!! I’m a brand new writer and I’m so nervous that my story isn’t as good as others. Whenever you get a chance to read however much you can would be amazing!

Title - Black Silk and Pleasure
Genre - Romance/Drama
Description - Business never mixes well with pleasure, right? Well, let’s see what happens when yo add your brother from prison, your bosses daughter who tries to ruin you and of course, so much more. CC Limelight
Link - http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6133825201176576
Author name - ft.lex (Savv)

Name: Flash (complete)
Author: Hxxd → @hx.episode
Genre: Mystery
Style: INK
Chapters: 3
Status: Complete
Description: You see a chain of events, but who do they belong to, and what do they mean? You’re out on a mission in search for vengeance, will you find what you’re looking for?
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5778327886692352
Cover:
Screenshot 2020-08-19 at 12.12.26

My day’s been alright, how was yours <3

@KanaMoon I have finished your review/proofreading! All of these are just suggestions and my opinions, you do not have to do anything I say.

First Impression

Title: I really like it. It sounds like the story will be fun with a lot of drama.
Cover: Lol I love Canva and have used it to make the cover of my story as well. But the cover is full of color which I like and would definitely capture the reader’s attention.
Description: Nicely worded and makes readers want to open your story!

Episode 1

Directing:

  • I would suggest saving customization for later in the story. It shouldn’t be like in the middle of the story after we’ve gotten to know the characters, but a small little scene before you do customization allows readers to decide if they actually want to invest their time in customizing their character and continue on reading the story.
  • Rather than having the outfit choice right after the characterization incorporate it into the story. You coud just do a basic - I’m going out, what should I wear? type choice.
  • Luca walked on her chair as he left the restaurant. Make the chairs overlays so he can walk behind it, or make him go around and walk in front of the table.
  • Have the main character change her clothes for the next day. You wanna make the story realistic and most people change their clothes with a new day.
  • Add some background characters to the hallway scene there’s a lot of empty space.
  • I chose the option to tell the friends the story of how the characters broke up and it did that transition with the wheel. Have the wheel open up the next scene as well because cutting back into it doesn’t look very good.
  • All of the characters need new outfits as the days go by.
  • Again when the three of them are talking by the lockers add some people in the background.
  • I kind of feel as though the episode was rushed. Maybe add some more background to the main character and Luca’s relationship. It doesn’t have to be a lot, maybe start the episode a day before they break up and they’re having some problems and then the next day is where they have the dinner and breakup. It just seems like that breakup came out of nowhere and there wasn’t enough leading up to it.

Dialogue:

  • I enjoyed the dialogue! Joseph and Selena are pretty funny.

Grammar / Spelling - correction in bold:

  • No grammar or spelling errors.
Episode 2

Directing:

  • I think you should take out the author’s remark at the beginning of the story. For any new readers, it doesn’t make sense because it doesn’t apply to them. For old readers, I would just put in the narrator bubble above the choice to skip the episode. So it would say something like - I have updated my chapters and this episode consists of what was chapters 2, 3, & 4. If you have previously read these chapters you might want to skip this episode. Choice - Skip the episode / Read the episode
  • I think finding some better backgrounds to upload would do your story justice. The nurses’ office is an actual hospital room which doesn’t really match. There are a lot of good backgrounds on the forum and on people’s link trees that you could use to find backgrounds that match better with what is going on in the story.

Dialogue:

  • Nothing to say here

Grammar / Spelling:

  • I told myself I would forget about what happened yesterday and move on
  • You want us to go to jail?!
  • You actually agree with that crappy idea?
  • I figured it might be because of what you two were wearing
  • They are away on a business trip
Episode 3

Directing:

  • I think you should add more background characters. I’ve seen the same people everywhere they go. It’s okay to reuse background characters with like a couple of episodes in between them but not back to back or in the same episode.
  • Also change the background characters’ outfits. The girls in the class who sit behind them don’t have to be changed out for different background characters but their outfits should change. Also give them some action to do like have a conversation with each other, or read a book, or text, instead of just sitting there.
  • During the audition scene, when it cuts to judges there is an extra time where things aren’t placed. You should fix that so it is a smooth cut to the judges

Dialogue:

  • Nothing again :blush:

Grammar / Spelling:

  • The police have us on their wanted list
  • Your vocabulary is what kids learn on the playground
  • I never thought today would be the day I heard those words from you
Overall

Directing: Your technical directing isn’t bad. You have good zooms and use of overlays. Just make sure you add background characters to some of your scenes to make your story look more professional and realistic. Some scenes that need background characters are the restaurant, the school hallway, and the audition hallway - those are the ones I remember at least. And don’t forget to give them actions because it looks weird when they’re just sitting there staring.
Dialogue: Your dialogue is perfect. Nothing is awkward it’s all very natural, really funny, and fits the story really well.
Grammar / Spelling: You have some grammar errors here and there but nothing crazy.
Plot: I really like the plot! So much is drama is going on and I am really invested in their revenge plans. It leaves me wanting to know what they’re going to do next.
Overall Flow: Your story flows well. I was gonna say your chapters are just a little too short after I read the first one but you corrected that in the second and third chapters and those ones have a good length. Like I mentioned earlier though, your first chapter seems just a little rushed so adding an extra scene before the two breakup might help it.

I actually really enjoyed your story. You have great characters and a great plot that is fun and exciting. Adding those minor details like background characters and outfit changing really goes a long way and will help spice up your story to make it look more high quality!

1 Like

@ft.lex and @_hxxd Thank you for requesting! I will review your stories as soon as possible :blush:

2 Likes

Thank you so much for your feedback! I will definitely keep those in mind and fix those mistakes when I update next time!