Roseville:City Of Secrets is out!

OMGGGG! I don’t know how to describe how I feel rn!:laughing::laughing: The moment we’ve all been waiting for is finally here! My story is out! Go give it a read!

Thanks to everyone who helped me make this come true and especially to my cover artists! @candyxcx and @Killerfrost!

TAGS:
@Rac5hel @CinnamonToast @Jessica.C @candyxcx @Killerfrost @Hol @irishpotato
@eilyk @annielove @StarMaryGoth @LaurelleE27 @24aya @NattyGomez @areyouaqueen @Chesirekitten101

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Omg congrats girl!! I am gonna read it :clap::+1:

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tysm I’m so excited to hear peoples’ thoughts on this one! I’ve worked very hard!

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omg yay ! girl im so happy for u

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So exitedddd!!

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Imma read it now!

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Omg thankss

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Thank u so muchh

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Yayy

Would you like a review here or in the PMs?

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Here would be great

Roseville: City of Secrets - Epsiode 1

If there are any errors, let me know as I haven’t had a chance to proof read.

Don’t be put off, this is more of a critique, than review. But it’s to help you improve. It was a great read. :grin:

There are some grammatical errors, which are listed below. I made corrections, and tried not to change what you said too much.
I would recommend spacing out your dialogue.
You over-use exclamation marks in comparison to the tone your character uses.
The are some directing errors:

  • Spots
  • Transitions. I think you were using fade in instead of fade out.
  • Speech bubble and talking animations.
Intro

NARR
Roseville
City of secrets

ACELYNN appears without the flashlight. Spot her off-screen with the flashlight, then re-spot her.

Are the characters supposed to appear one by one?

CC

NARR
What do you look like? Please have in mind that this is Acelynn!That’s why you have some features locked thanks.

This is Acelynn. You can customise some of her features.

NARR
Let’s go on with the story.

Let’s get on with the story.

Scene 1: Narration - Graveyard

NARR
Dark.
Fear.

After each line, the zoom changes, once I believe. After fear, the zooms changed twice.

NARR
Loss.
Roseville might be tricky at night
But with the first sunlight
Everything goes back to its place

Not too sure what you meant by tricky.

Roseville might be tricky at night.
But when the sun rises,
Everything goes back to its place.

Scene 2 - ACELYNN

Acelynn starts talking before the dialogue shows up. Then the animation restarts when the dialgoue shows up.

Also, she talking when it’s a thought bubble. Use think_rubchin instead.

ACELYNN
Ugh! I hate school! Why does it has to start?

Ugh! I hate school! Why does it have to start?

The fade in transition starts.

Scene 3 - ACELYNN & GEENA
ACELYNN and GEENA are really close.

ACELYNN
Let’s take a quick look at her “precious” book

Let’s take a quick look at her “precious” book.

When GEENA starts talk_armscrossed_angry_loop, she’s still holding the book prop.

GEENA
Um you mind letting me have some privacy?

Um… You mind letting me have some privacy

Grammatically Correct:
Um… Do you mind giving me some privacy?

ACELYNN
Yeah sure…

GEENA is talking during ACELYNN’s dialogue.

GEENA
Ok… um this is weird

Ok… Um… This is weird.

ACELYNN
Yeah, peace out! Gtg Ailley’s waiting!

Yeah, peace out! I gotta go. Ailley’s waiting!

Since she’s doing talk_awkward_loop, you don’t need exclamation marks.

Yeah, peace out. gotta go. Ailley’s waiting.

I’m not sure, but if she walked on from the left, I’d expect her to exit left.

The transition faded in, instead of fading out.

Scene 4: ACELYNN & AILLEY

Your characters appear one by one, instead of being onscreen before the transition.

NARR
This is Ailley
Ailley Norman
Basically she’s the perfect rich girl in town.She’s my “best friend” by the way
She’s sassy , fabulous and nobody can resist her.Well almost nobody…

This is Ailley.
Ailley Norman.
Basically she’s the perfect rich girl in town. She’s my “best friend” by the way.
She’s sassy, fabulous and nobody can resist her.Well almost nobody…

Instead of doing a immediate zoom, you could do one during the narration.

The music stopped.

AILLEY
Come on!We’ll be late!

Come on! We’ll be late!

AILLEY waits for ACELYNN to walk off. You should have AILLEY walk after finishing her animation or whilst ACELYNN was walking.

Scene 5: The Crew

All the characters appear one by one.

NARR
Meet the crew
Fawn Crowd
The chic chick . I mean look at her!
Vale Mathiews
Shopping lover if it isn’t obvious!
Felline Danerwal
The smart one, duh!

Meet the crew.
Fawn Crowd.
The “chic” chick. I mean look at her!
Vale Mathiews.
A shopping lover, if it isn’t obvious!
Felline Danerwal.
The smart one, duh!

There is a pause between each introduction.

FELLINE is the only one not idle, as she’s doing a talking animation.

Also, you should show the characters individually. So we can see the characters’ personalities.

VALE
Morning ladies

The speech bubble is positioned for VALE, but FELLINE is talking.

FAWN
To you too sweetheart !

To you too, sweetheart!

VALE is talking whilst FAWN is.

FAWN continues to talk until the end of the scene, through other characters’ dialogue.

FELLINE
Maybe a meet up? Which one’s house?

Maybe a meet up? At who’s house?

FAWN is talking instead of FELLINE.

AILLEY
My house ,6, be there. Anyways gotta go meet Kitch byeee!

My house, at 6. Be there. Anyways, I gotta go meet Kith. Bye!

The speech bubble is slightly off.

FAWN is talking instead of AILLEY

NARR
ALL: Bye!

You can make a character called ALL.

Scene 6-10: Classroom - ACELYNN, MS PERKINS & DYLAN

ACELYNN
**** I forgot we are going to make tutor-pairs

****! I forgot we were going be paired with a tutor.

The teacher starts talking before her dialogue appears.

MC PERKINS
As you may know we are going to make some tutors. Steven you’re with Jessy ,Ace you take Dylan and the rest of you will be contacted by the headmistress.

Episode Guide
Dialogue Length:
It’s hard to read dialogue boxes with more than 2-3 lines of text in it. There is a light grey vertical line in the script to the right. End your lines of dialogue before that. This also keeps the story moving and readers engaged.

This doesn’t sound like something a teacher would say. Otherwise, she’s quite dismissive.

As you may know, I am going to pair you to be tutored. Steven, you’re with Jessy. Ace, you take Dylan, and the rest of you will be contacted by the headmistress.

The girl next to ACELYNN appeared after.

ACELYNN
Hm… Dylan is pretty cute if you ask me! Ugh focus Ace!

Spilt this into separate lines.

Hm… Dylan is pretty cute, if you ask me.
Ugh! Focus Ace.

The thought bubble is quite high. Can you change the tail to be above her head? Otherwise, move the thought bubble down.

ACELYNN
FOCUS!

Is ACELYNN supposed to stand up? If not, spot her lower.

The scene fades in.

Scene 11: After Class

FAWN
So what do you say?
Do you even listen to me?

So, what do you say?
Are you even listening to me?

ACELYNN
Uh…sorry I zoned out!

Uh… Sorry. I zoned out!

FAWN
What are you thinking of? Or WHO to be exact…?

“To be exact” isn’t normally used in that context.

ACELYNN talks during FAWN’s dialogue.

ACELYNN
K now what?!

Ok. Now what?!

choice
No I’m not!
Fine…Dylan it is

Keep your choices consistent. Use punctuation for both choices.

“Fine…Dylan is it”

ACELYNN
Ok Dylan’s pretty cute but promise me that you won’t make a big deal out of it!

Ok. Dylan’s pretty cute, but promise me that you won’t make a big deal out of it!

The music carries over into the next scene.

Scene 13: Home - ACELYNN & GEENA

ACELYNN should walk in whilst GEENA is talking. Or split the dialogue up, so she can walk in during the last line.

GEENA starts talking and thinking instead of thinking.

ACELYNN
Everything’s good… but why you acting weird?
Whatever… who was on the phone?

Everything’s good… But why are you acting weird?
Whatever… Who was on the phone?

GEENA
Nobody important… anyways, do you have any plans today?

Nobody important… Anyways, do you have any plans today?

ACELYNN
Actually , planning to go to Ailley’s.

GENNA is talking during ACELYNN’s dialogue.

Actually, I was planning on going yo Ailley’s.

GEENA
No!NO you shouldn’t go! Maybe you could stay here and watch a movie with me?

NO! No, you shouldn’t go! Maybe you could stay here and watch a movie with me?

"Is there anything I should be aware of?
Sorry sis, I’m a grown up teenage now!

There’s a space before “Sorry”.

ACELYNN
Now if you excuse me, this lady gotta go take a bath so she can be fancy.

GEENA is talking.

Now, if you excuse me, this lady has to go take a bath so she can be fancy.

Scene 14: Bath - ACELYNN

ACELYNN
Hmmm… What will I do with my hair?

ACELYNN is talking aloud, instead of thinking.

choice
Get them Up
Get them straight

Keep your choices consistent - capitalisation.

The two options you give changes her hair length.

The hair is Short Wavy Ombre.

“Get them Up”
The hair changes to Over Shoulder Braid.

“Get them straight”
The hair changes to Straight Medium.

choice
Wear them
Don’t

Hair is not them. Change the wording of your choice.

ACELYNN
Should I wear my hair like this?
Yes!
No.

During the dressing game, does the background change?

Name the outfits to give the reader an idea of what they are.

Scene 15: - ACELYNN

ACELYNN
Ready to go! Uh shoot I forgot my phone!

Ready to go! Oh, shoot! I forgot my phone.

The scene fades in, instead of fading out.

Outro

NARR
To be continued…
To be continued should be the last thing said.

NARR
What happen to Ace?

What happened to Ace?

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Omg that’s so helpful! I’m going to correct it, do you want any credit?

All mistakes corrected!

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