Scene Coding Help!

Can someone help me improve the coding of this scene:

EXT. FLOWER GARDEN - DAY
@SOPHIA stands screen center AND SOPHIA faces left
@EMMA stands screen left AND EMMA faces right
&EMMA is idle_happy
SOPHIA (talk_greet)
Hey!
SOPHIA (talk_gossip)
No worries, it’s all good!
EMMA (talk_sheepish)
How are things at home?
SOPHIA (talk_unsure)
Well… I think mom’s depressed.
EMMA (talk_awkward)
Why do you think that?
SOPHIA (talk_unsure)
Well…
SOPHIA (talk_sad)
I went to ask her for something last night, and saw Marco comforting her while she cried.
EMMA (talk_sad)
Anything else?
SOPHIA (talk_unsure)
She said she’s a bad mom.
EMMA (arms_crossed)
(Well, she’s not wrong.)
SOPHIA (talk_sad_timid)
And I just see her with a sad look sometimes, like she isn’t truly happy.
EMMA (talk_sad)
Oh…
EMMA (talk_sheepish)
Well, what should we do, Soph?
SOPHIA (talk_sad_clutch)
I’m not sure.
EMMA (talk_exhausted)
Well, we should do something.
SOPHIA (talk_unsure)
I know.
EMMA (talk_shrug)
What if you took her out for a day of fun?
SOPHIA (talk_sad)
I think she wants to mend her relationship with YOU.
EMMA (talk_sad_clutch)
I’m not ready for that yet, Soph.
EMMA (talk_sad_timid)
I can’t.
SOPHIA (talk_angry)
It’s not that you can’t, it’s that you WON’T.
EMMA (talk_sad)
No, I can’t
EMMA (talk_sad)
The stress would be too much for the twins.
EMMA (talk_sad_timid)
I love them so much already.

    EMMA (talk_sad)
I don't wanna risk losing them.
    EMMA (talk_angry)
And I won't risk losing them for a mother who doen't care!
    EMMA (talk_arms_crossed_angry)
And I'll be better than that!

&SOPHIA is deepbreath
NARRATOR (SOPHIA)
She was saying that out loud, trying to convince herself.
NARRATOR (SOPHIA)
That’s why she said everything out loud and looked at the sky and ground. Anywhere but another person’s gaze.
NARRATOR (SOPHIA)
And I know what mom did was wrong, but Em should forgive her.
NARRATOR (SOPHIA)
Maybe noy now, but some time.
EMMA (talk_sad)
She doesn’t even wanna be in their lives, Soph…
SOPHIA (talk_sad_timid)
That… you don’t know that…
EMMA (talk_sad_clutch)
She told me that before I moved out.
EMMA (arms_crossed_angry)
(So what?! You’re on her side now!?)
EMMA (talk_angry)
So what!?
EMMA (talk_angry)
You’re on her side now?
EMMA (talk_angry_accuse)
Instead of the twin you made miserable even when she was depressed?
SOPHIA (talk_angry)
That’s not what I said!
SOPHIA (talk_angry)
I’m trying to fix our broken family!
SOPHIA (talk_angry)
And I understand that it’s hard for you!
SOPHIA (talk_angry)
It’s hard for me too!
SOPHIA (talk_angry)
But it’s not impossible, and you won’t even TRY after you give birth?!
SOPHIA (talk_angry)
That’ not fair!
SOPHIA (talk_angry)
To her or your children!
EMMA (talk_arms_crossed)
I’m only thinking about my girls.
EMMA (talk_angry)
Not their grandma who doesn’t care!
SOPHIA (talk_angry)
You don’t know that!
EMMA (talk_angry)
YES I DO!
EMMA (talk_angry)
SHE KICKED ME OUT AT THE BEGINNING OF MY PREGNANCY!
SOPHIA (talk_angry)
THAT DOESN’T MEAN SHE HASN’T CHANGED HER MIND!
@EMMA is idle_wounded
EMMA
(Owe!)
EMMA
I-
EMMA
I think my water just broke!
SOPHIA (talk_startled)
Okay!
SOPHIA (talk_sheepish)
Let’s get into the car, and I’ll call Felix!
EMMA
O-Okay…
@EMMA is deepbreath
@EMMA is deepbreath
@EMMA is deepbreath
@EMMA is deepbreath
SOPHIA (talk_unsure)
Maybe I should help you!
EMMA (idle_wounded)
You think!
SOPHIA (talk_sheepish)
Come on, sis.
@SOPHIA exits left AND EMMA exits left AND EMMA is walk_exhausted
@transition fade out black

P.S. I had someone helping me improve all the scenes, but she’s hardly ever available anymore

Tags

@AlaLala
@ALLIRisesAgain
@Danielle318
@Cupcake01
@EpisodeBunny8
@lamecast88
@josiej8
@MissHaze

3 Likes

You could spot direct the characters maybe? Or when She is breathing in and out you could have it transition in and out fast for effect

2 Likes

I like that idea, along wiht spots, could I PM you for some specifics on that?

2 Likes

Sure.

2 Likes

I think zooms would add an interesting dynamic!

1 Like

How so? And where?

1 Like

Try to zoom on some intense sentences, on pauses, they just make the scene more visually appealing

2 Likes

Like?

1 Like

Well, it really depends on what you like, between some of the lines put some pauses, zooms or expressive animations. For example: when Emma thinks (Well, she’s not wrong) you should put a zoom there with a small pause

2 Likes

do you mind if i put it into a story and do some things to improve it, it is good but i wanna see what i can do, then i will copy paste it in a reply box and delete it off my story

1 Like

Things like?

1 Like

maybe add a choice if the reader wants to mend the relationship with the mom or not then you can add the details like what happens if the readers choose each choice

No, not happening. that would mess it up. She ends up mending it after a while

1 Like

ok