Share your LGBT and or Diverse Stories Here!

communication

#1

Hi! I am a writer and I also love to edit as well. I have experience editing and love the process of it.
What includes diverse: people of color main characters, characters w disabilities, autistic main characters, characters with mental health issues (that are not demonized).

Comment your story filling out this format:
Title:
Genre:
Description:
Story Link:
Especially want comments on: (directing, do my characters feel real?, plot line, ect.)

Please leave me a review on my story as well if you’d like. (link in profile)


#2

Hi, I heard that you wanted critiquing for your story, here is some constructive criticism. Sorry I only read the first chapter, I didn’t have the tickets and I honestly wasn’t really feeling it.
WARNING: THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 1

  1. Grammar. Sometimes the grammar in here is faulty, and it’s a little annoying to read sometimes, being a bit of an English geek myself.

  2. The backstory. The backstory as to how all of this happened in the first place, is a little ahead of it’s time, I think. This affair should’ve been (in my opinion) pushed back a couple of chapters, as the backstory is one of the key factors in which I was turned off. (more on this later)

  3. Queen Misa. Okay so, what I do NOT like about the backstory, is how the characters act/are portrayed in it. Queen Misa cheated on the king first, then she gets angry when he finds another woman. …yeah, I don’t like her that much. And the punishment wasn’t done out of evilness or anything, this was an actual law that had to be carried through, no matter who it was. If a man/woman cheated on their spouse, they were to be killed, no questions about it. And on top of that, being sexually involved with a same-sex partner was also not allowed. She knew all of this, yet she did it anyway. And she has the guts to think it isn’t fair. And on top of THAT, she never married for love in the first place! She only married him for the way of living! And then she was complaining about never loving him! I think Queen Misa is the true villain here.
    Either way, I hate her.

  4. Characters. Sorry, had to get that Queen Misa thing off my chest first. Other than her, all the characters were rather bland. Like, just burn 'em all, I don’t care sort of blandness, we weren’t connecting on any sort of level, and that’s important, especially for a main character. (MISA)

  5. Sexual content. So, here’s a quick thing that I wanted to address in it, try not to, in the future be descriptive in sexual content. I seriously don’t need to see a 1800’s version of a hooker rubbing all up on some king. Makes me feel weird. Also, EPISODE might get a little snappy with you.

Ways to improve:

  1. Try to constantly recheck your grammar and if you’ve spelt it right, or that you’ve worded everything right. It makes for a way better read. Trust me on this one.

  2. Try not to reveal the entire backstory right away, just quickly explain that she fell in love with someone who wasn’t her husband, then maybe have the main character find out that it was another woman. That’ll be a lot more interesting in my opinion, and it’ll empower the character, knowing that she wasn’t the first. (also, just quickly wanted to mention that because it was against the law to be romantically/sexually involved with someone of the same sex in that time period, the church wouldn’t have allowed it, no matter who was asking them. You could have the relationship be a secret that only the former king, the former queen and the other gal know. More dramatic.)

  3. …I don’t know how to improve her. Burn her with fire maybe? All joking aside, try to make her seem more, I guess, human. Have the king cheat on her first, then she tries to seek some solace in Laruta(?), I’ll feel a whole lot more bad for her than wishing her dead (my feelings as of now).

  4. Try to expand on the characters a bit more, also, don’t just thrust at us right off the bat that we’re a lesbian, try to slowly feed it to us then hit us with the BOOM. Gay. (then have the guy be gay as well idk, make it a side story or something.)

  5. Try not to be explicit with any sexual content, for example, when the king is cheating, just show them kissing or something I don’t know, I just really don’t want to see them rubbing up all over each other. Makes me uncomfortable to watch. (insert my frantic screen mashing here)

Final Thoughts:
Honestly, if this was brushed up a little bit, I could enjoy it a whole lot more. The story itself is very interesting, but it’s not enough to keep people around. With a few tweaks here and there, you could get yourself a whole lot more reads!

Cheers,
R.


#3

Queen Misa wasn’t upset because he cheated because…he didn’t cheat. She was upset because the whole reason she was sentenced to death and her lover confined to jail for the rest of her life was because of how “heartbroken” the king was. But obviously he wasn’t so heartbroken if he’s going to another woman just the next day. And if you unlocked the bonus scene if you have Latuta jailbreak and choose a specific direction then you’ll see that that he actually moved on even faster.
As far as Queen Misa cheating, she was never in love with him in the first place. She was horribly depressed and on the verge of tw suicide, killing herself.
Latura became the only means of joy that Misa experienced.
Also as far as the sexual content at the beginning i do warn of the mature themes. i didn’t put that there for no reason.


#4

Also it’s not taking place like our 1800s nor is it evenin a specific time period, it’s just hundreds of years before my stories “now” which is in a different universe than ours. It’s an anachronic story. Maybe I should try to make this more clear with it being out of time but hopefully that becomes clearer later on with some of the issue some they face etc.

Also this is a made up country…a country I made up. There are no such laws about same gender partnerships.


#5

Then I’m sorry, I don’t know the time period, I assumed it was the 1800’s because it wasn’t specified. Anyway, I was just giving back criticism, and this is the way I do it. I’m honest. And here is a couple more things that I wished to hold back, but do actually feel like this should be said.

While yes, it’s not a real country, the language spoken in the country is English. And all English speaking languages all originated from, well, Europe, the Britain Empire. The only reason that they could be speaking English is if they were colonized by Britain, there’s no other way. And because they were, technically, under British influence (as they had been colonized by the British Empire) the laws regarding anything would’ve been the same. That’s what my train of thought led to.
And whether or not they weren’t happy together, it’s cheating, no way around it. If she were depressed, it was not really noticeable during the story it looked like she was just homesick, then she would’ve, well, should’ve told someone about it. And if you’re in a marriage, even if it’s with someone you don’t like, sooner or later, you’re going to like them. And she said that she ‘miscarried time and time again’, meaning they would’ve had intercourse, time and time again to try to conceive them.

If someone cheated on you, depending on who you are, you could let go fast, or slow. The king, in this example, moved on fast. Why? Because he’s a king, why should he be hung up on one cheating woman, when he had many other more actual willing people to have a relationship with?

Anyway, like I said, I was offering a reader’s, yet still a profession, perspective on what this story is.

Cheers,
R.


#6

Yeah, I’m not trying to turn this into a thread of us going back and forth but them speaking English (the only language I can write fast enough in to want to write a story) literally has nothing to do with who they were colonized by. English is simply the meta language of the story. It has nothing to with the plot or history of the world, that again, I made up.
I’ll try to make her being depressed come across more clear but I didn’t want to have her have thoughts that may be triggering to readers.
As far as him moving on, of course he can move on fast but he moved on faster because he didn’t care for her much in the first place, at least not as a person and I’ve gone back and made this more clear. He only sees Misa more as a concept and less as a person. That’s how he views most people and especially people of a lower stature than him. That’s also part of why the next person he goes to is Trensa, who is a maid. (this is revealed by her attire in the bonus cut)


#7

Alright then, but like I said, I just gave back critique, take it how you will (hopefully good).

Cheers,
R.


#8

Yeah I know, just trying to clear up some of the points you made. I could tell some of them came from misunderstanding of the concept of a made up world which is on me of course. The world building gets more complex as the story goes on and is introduced more in episode 4. I didn’t want the first episode to be too overwhelming.


#9

Dang! I wanted to tell you what I thought about your story because I thought the other review was way too harsh and frankly a little homophobic! (“Don’t just thrust at us right off the bat that we’re a lesbian” um maybe if episode stops thrusting at me right off the bat that I have a crush on a mediocre white dude) I’ve only read the first chapter because I’m perpetually out of passes, but I actually really enjoyed it, and not just because I’m always on the lookout for good LGBT content! I thought the first scene was cute, and I liked the main characters from the small glimpse we got of them, and I’m always intrigued by an arranged marriage. And I enjoyed the backstory! I definitely thought the king was a dick, and could feel that Misa was feeling trapped, lonely, etc. I’m not saying cheating is right, but it didn’t make me hate her at all, and I was totally rooting for her and her gal at the end! I think it set up a very interesting conflict that I’m sure will continue to play out in further world building. And all that “it looks vaguely medieval so gay shouldnt be allowed!!!” is bull. It’s a made-up world. Dang. Just let LGBT live for goodness sakes. I’m an English geek too, and there were a few grammar errors here and there, but honestly nothing glaring or that really took away for the story. And I also didn’t think the sexual content was very explicit at all? Like they were both fully clothed and not actually having sex I honestly thought it was fine. Anyway, overall I really liked the first chapter and I’m definitely planning to read more of it once I finish a few other things!


#10

Thank you! :smile:


#11

Hi~! I would love it if you could comment on my stories. I have one about a deaf girl who tries to become an actress and another story which includes a lesbian love interest (so I want feedback on that route so far). Here are the story details:

(Story on the deaf girl)
Title: Star Power: Listen!
Genre: drama
Description: Listen! What if a deaf girl would plead this to the world, would it listen or choose to preserve the status quo?
Story Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5554707499188224
Especially want comments on: the main characters and storyline

Title: Spotlight: Jellyfished
Genre: mystery
Description: Jellyfish do not have hearts, yet they live. What if a human, a woman, would lose this vital organ…and live?
Story Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5598230056927232
Especially want comments on: the female love interest, choices and the storyline

Thanks in advance for your feedback :slight_smile:


#12

Star Power: Listen!
I really like your intro! It caught my attention and immediately drew my curriousity
Though I would suggest moving the speechbubble for the narrator lower. I can’t read the first couple of lines :persevere:
Maybe “You can’t actually hear me” vs "She can’t"
Also maybe instead of having Salma read off the phone you have
NARRATOR (CHARISE)
Then what she’s saying on the phone. That way Charise is still a character because this story should be about her right? And not people’s experiences of her.
I like that the choices matter!! That can be tedious to code so good job!!
I really like the facial expressions you’ve chosen for the characters. They really fit the scene and keep the mood
I would break up the dialogue and have this instead:
NARRATOR (CHARISE)
I know what you’re thinking.
Who the in the world is Helen?
And why are they making such a big fuss about her…am I right?

Also I would maybe have Salma and Mr. Perez say a couple more lines before Charise says they’re making a big fuss because it doesn’t really seem like they’re making a big fuss yet. So maybe a line like “Well we can’t start without her” and then Salma does like a frustrated action, like eyeroll and hand on her head (sorry I’d suggest a specific one but idk the names of the actions for LL)
I’d also suggest breaking up the dialogue by each sentence when Charise starts saying "You see,
Helen is my…"
That way the reader takes in the information of her being her manager by itself then the information of
her being her interpreter. It’ll help the readers to remember this info in the long run rather than if they just get it all at once. Also breaking up dialogue helps with flow and pace of the story.

During the test when she does the move that I assume is supposed to be like the “drop it” dance in ink I’d put in a couple pause for a beats just so it has her standing up a bit more before it transfers into the next dance move. This will also create a visually smoother transition between dance moves.

Lol I love the background characters

Instead of Charise thinking if Jesse as “my only guy friend” maybe she should just think “him” I think that sounds like more of a natural thought where are the other is more like the author trying to give the reader information

Omg the cute little prize question at the end!! That’s so creative and cute!!
I got the question wrong :sob:
Also I really like the option to watch the teaser!!
Overall: You directing is really good!! I really like the characters too! Though if anything I would suggest adding a character customization for Charise. Even if it’s a limited one if you still want her to look like her chibi version. Also since your series is a drama I think to suck more readers in you should include a bit more drama in the first ep. I’m not sure if just having her deal with a couple of assholes at the bar is really enough of a drama for readers to want to read the next episode for that. It seems like a simple fix and all in all it doesn’t seem as something that will effect her in the long run. I definitely want to read the second chapter but it’s more because I want to play the bonus question game again lol. But I do really like your story! I look forward to reading more! After watching the teaser I don’t think it’s okay to make such a big deal about the character being an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a real struggle and not something that should be seen a judgement of character. Also remember how in the guidelines episode says that we can reference alcoholism however! Only in a way that would be respectful to alcoholics. If you want the reader to be intrigued by him, simply having something like “Who is this mysterious guy?” “What does he want with Charise?” or something along those lines.


#13

Jellyfished
Again I really love you intro!! The art is eye-catching and I like how you have the text fade in!
Also the music sets a nice mood for the story I really like it!
I like the blue italicized text! It matches the water vibe. I like it!!
I like the background sounds it is definitly immersive and is a nice touch!
I would suggest breaking up the dialogue in the part by sentence Especially on long days like… for similar reasons I listed in your Listen! review. And I would suggest to break up the dialogue throughout the story. Though it doesn’t have to be by sentence every time and with parts when for example a character is saying a lot of things really fast (like asking a bunch of questions) that’s when I wouldn’t break up dialogue :smile:
I like your backgrounds!

I don’t know much about the spotlight format but is it possible to have Lydia on the other side of the screen when she says “Ams, I’m done with my…” and Amy on the other side typing? I only suggest this because I could imagine her typing more so on the spot of the background Lydia is when she yells this. But! I also know placement isn’t the main concern for spotlight so it’s not a needed change really

You details about the departments adds to it already feeling realistic with the backgrounds you added. Good job!!
The singing part was funny lol
I like that you set the theme of monotony in her life with words like “usually do” “always” it’s nice and lets the reader know that this is a story about a drastic life change as well as an emotional change. Using words to foreshadow like this and set themes is a mark of a great writer. So great job!! :smile:

the blood overlay is really good! how did you do that?? :open_mouth:
When I saw the bubblegum overlay in your other story I just assumed that was a limelight thing??But omg kudos to you for really good editing skills. I’d love to know how you did that if you don’t mind explaining it to me. I could definitely use something like that in the stories I’m working on right now!
:smiley:

When the options for the hat come up I can’t see the top one because it’s too high. I would suggest changing it to make it lower if you can. Or having one come up and then the next.
Also in this story I know the readerMessages are supposed to help guide the reader in making choices but I would suggest this only for the first episode. Part of the fun of episode is not being sure how your choices will pan out and learning how to deal with consequences because not facing the consequences when you use your own wit to avoid them is apart of the reward system that the app brings readers. Keep this in mind! Though for a first episode where it’s more like a tutorial I think it’s okay.
I would suggest
"Oh God." instead of "O God."
I would have some pauses for a beat while he’s eyeballing her. Just so the scene lasts longer
I like how the points come up on the screen! How did you do that??
I also like the feature of having the emoji show Lydia’s nerves that’s really smart!!
The message “Nurse Fatale” comes up is that supposed to be the Dr. Lyall? This isn’t clear.
Maybe instead of her having the thought “It’s like I’m immune to emotions today.” Have her think something like “I just don’t feel much of anything today.” I think that makes more sense than to say she’s immune to emotions because I would think that means that she’s not having emotions in response to other people’s emotions while that’s not what she just described. She just described not having her usual anxiety about people or her environment.
I would use different music than that. Like I do think you should include alarming music but the one you chose was just a bit too much of a drastic change from the music before. Or I would suggest just keeping the music off. I think that would be more impactful than the short burst of alarming music.
It’s really cool how you have the doctor appear in the heart, but again it’s too high and I can’t see it :sob:
Also I would have “One of them you already met.” instead of “One of them you already met just now.”

Overall: I really liked this story. It’s interesting and I want to know what happened. I think having a bit more of a pause and showing some of her reaction before you have the happy ending music at the end though would be more impactful. As well as allow the feeling and curiosity to sit with the reader for a bit longer before the mood changes again. Also I’d suggest allowing for character customization. I know this may mess up the edit you have of her after she doesn’t see her heart but I still think it would be worth it let the reader be able to see themselves in the story!


#14

Hey! I just started writing on episode .! Please check my story and let me know about it . It would mean the world to me :grin::heart_eyes::sunglasses:

Title: Engaged
Author: Navya Sallan
Genere: Comedy
Style: Ink
Description: What happens when you suddenly found out that you are engeged to a hot stranger in America and you are forced to move to America with him !

Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5810322648203264

image


#15

Hi there! Thanks so much for your reviews on the first episodes of my stories :slight_smile: ! I really appreciate both your honest criticism and enthusiasm :relaxed: . I’ll look over the stories and implement some of your feedback.

I have some comments in reaction to your reviews: First, I don’t add cc in the stories, because I add in custom art (visible in episode 3 of Star Power: Listen! -though this artpiece I definitely want to redo as it isn’t quite as good as I want it to be…- and episode 4 of Spotlight: Jellyfished). I haven’t heard any complaints about speechbubbles or images appearing to high upscreen before. I don’t think it’s the story’s issue, but rather the adjustment of the Episode app to your device’s screen, because both in web previewer and on my phone it works just fine. You may want to report a ticket about it and mention the device you’re using just in case. I could also report it, but since I haven’t heard anyone else having this issue, I don’t think they’ll find anything on my end. To clear up the confusion you have about the ‘Nurse Fatale’ remark, there’s only one nurse in the room in that scene. Doctors are no nurses :stuck_out_tongue: .

As for the questions on the overlays: yes I created the bubblegum animations, blood, points, etc. myself using photoshop brushes and vector shapes, in combination with the overlay animations the writers portal offers. You can download an old version (Photoshop CS2) for free on Adobe’s website :wink: . I’ve switched to Paint Shop Pro 2018 recently, because I just hate how Photoshop works in a lot of ways and I was used to using Paint Shop Pro since I was a child of 12, but that one costs some money (I got it for 25 euros at a Dutch webshop :slight_smile: ). I am planning on creating a website with small tutorials on how I created overlays like that among other things.

Again, thanks a lot for your review! It is most useful to me and I am excited for the chance you’ve given me to further improve the quality of my stories! I can’t thank you enough for your effort :blush: .


#16

I was reading on my iPad and it was like that, I’d still suggest moving it a little lower because it’s not a bug with the device but rather just episode taking the really thin rectangular original shape and formatting it for a not as thin rectangle. And if you ever launch your website or make tutorial videos on youtube or Insta let me know! :smile:


#17

Title: H&V: Our Story
Genre: Action
Description: When Ava’s sister, Riley, is kidnapped,she must work with a group of super heros to save her. Even with the hardships they face, can they work together to save Riley?
Story Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4786197070741504
Especially want comments on: Mainly how you like the plot and the characters.


#18

Okay, sidenote: Where does everyone get those writing community backgrounds with your username on it??? :sob:
I like your intro it’s attention grabbing and the music sets a nice tone!
I think you should break up the dialogue when you talk about customization for Julia. It’s never good to have too much dialogue at once.
You have “To be continued…” at the beginning of the chapter. I would put this at the end. There’s nothing to continue before you start :sweat_smile:
I would suggest maybe saying, [spoiler]"How would you feel if you suddenly ended up magically engaged to someone ? " I would suggest this instead because when implies that it is going to happen. Therefore, not that surprising. I would also suggest just one “?” because two or more question marks has been heavily adapted by comedy to the point at which it has become sarcasm. It can be easily over used and therefore lose it’s impact to the point of having the opposite impact. So if you do decide to use “??s” or “!!s” in your story, I would do so sparingly.
You don’t have to pan to keep the reader’s attention. It can just end up making someone feel dizzy. Also you should try to just use pans to show the reader something. Your words are enough! :blush:
Also, I would take out the “I don’t know about you guys…” Assuming the reader won’t feel this way in conjunction with the plural will make the reader, if they did have the opinion that they wouldn’t care, feel more validated in this opinion. Because they would feel as if “the group” implied by the plural thinks this way as well. Therefore, it’s normal to come to the conclusion that it’s not a big deal. Allowing the reader to come to this conclusion and validating takes away the impact of your story. Writing is about manipulation essentially. And not the bad connotation of it but just manipulation in it’s simple form. You try to get the reader to feel certain things based off your words. To imagine certain things. To come to the conclusion that you give them the evidence to think makes sense. So this may sound kinda bad but apart of writing is empathizing with your reader enough to get them to think and feel what you want. So bottom line, don’t throw the premise of your story under the bus. Convince them that they would freak out. So I would take out this line entirely.
I would change the introduction of your character to


“That’s me.”
“I’m Juliet Rinaldee.”
“Engaged,”
“And Just 16.”
breaking apart your dialogue like this gives it more impact. Making the reader focus on each single piece of information at a time. Think of it how you naturally pause for emphasis while speaking. (also notice how the previous sentence I just wrote, starting with “think of it how you naturally…” That would be an example of the writer telling the reader what to think. Because think about it, I know nothing about you. But! I have taken a common phenomena and have had you imagined yourself in doing/thinking/feeling it. How? Because it’s believable that someone would do this. Therefore you will even believe yourself of doing this regardless to whether you have in fact ever done that in your life.)
Also as I said before using “??” and “!!” can take away the impact of it as well as just using “!” several times sentence after sentence.
Using all caps can also lessen impact in the same way that “??” and “!!” can.
Also to some readers all caps can sound as if someone is screaming really loudly in their heads. So to try to avoid this I generally don’t use all caps.
You can fix the sitting by going to create on mobile, choosing your story, navigation and then this scene. From there you can click directing helper. Then click spot helper. You can zoom the characters in and out as well as move them around the screen where you want. Then in the bottom left it will tell you what to put in your script. You can also use this neat trick to play around with the heights of your characters too! :grin: But ultimately in the sitting scene your characters will end up being at something like this:
@JULIA spot 1.280 50 -30
@JULIA starts idle_sit
This will make them look lower in the seat.
Also if you don’t want the characters to just appear suddenly you can start the scene with
@cut to zone 3
and then have
@pan to zone 1 after the commands for having them sit
also you will need to change those commands from something like
@JULIA spot 1.280 50 -30
@JULIA starts idle_sit
to
@JULIA spot 1.280 50 -30 in zone 1
@JULIA starts idle_sit
Also I would not have the character’s names be in all caps in the dialogue. I’m guessing maybe you had there names as something else and then changed it and did ctrl f and changed the names to the all caps one? I did something similar once lol.
If you have their names in all caps to get the reader’s attention think of it like this. You don’t need to try hard to get the reader’s attention, they are already focusing on you and giving you a chance! :grin:
also Mr. instead of MR
Also lol at the crashing, cat yelling, and music stoping. You changed the mood immediately matching with the character and it was really funny! Good job!
At the beginning you stated you would allow for character customization? I would have definitly included this maybe before the classroom scene
Also good job with the characters reactions and movement! It all flows really naturally and always goes with the mood! This can be a really hard thing to do so kudos to you! This is definitly the mark of someone detail oriented, which is something any great write needs to have! :smile:
Lol I like the sweat mark overlay that’s really good!
I’m still trying to figure out overlays myself, luckily I haven’t needed them much yet :sweat_smile:

It’s my life” instead of Its
and I would put a period after life since Don’t is capitalized, but I understand this may be a stylistic choice too, so do as you please! :slight_smile:

I would take the line out the “fatso” men’s body acceptance isn’t as bad as women’s but it’s still a thing. And generally it’s not good to make fun of people’s body’s.

The laugh track!! :joy:

he’s not talking when he says, “Dad, you called for me?”

Overall: I would use less “??” and “!!” but if it the effect is for comedy I would make that more obvious by using even more! Lol. And while your main characters may be meant to be people of color. Diversity also means a diversity of features as well. Many of your characters had eurocentric features. If you want your story to be more diverse then you should include non-eurocentric features just as much! :smile:


#19

Wow :hushed: im just mind blown !! That’s the best feedback I’ve ever received :heart_eyes::heart_eyes::yum::heart_eyes:I’ll keep everything you said in mind !!! And thank you soo much for your feedback… i can tell it took hell of a time to type that down !! But really… appreciations from the bottom of my heart :heart_eyes::heart_eyes::kissing_heart::kissing_heart::kissing_heart::kissing_heart:thank u so much !


#20

I really like your cover art!
Would you be okay if I possibly stole your outfit idea for Isobella? :eyes:
I would pause for a beat before the scene changing into the principle’s office. It’s a bit abrupt.
When Ava says to let riley go her mouth isn’t moving make sure to start each dialogue section with the command talk_
It will help with immersion into the plot and not distract the reader. Even if you have the same talking command in a row a couple of times. It’s fine as long as it goes with the mood.
I find the topic change to the dance to be a bit sudden. Context isn’t given enough for a reader accept such a change in topic so quickly. If you maybe have a pause for a beat and have Isabella do idle_awkward and then ask I think that would work. Because then you are giving the reader context that this girl likes her and has probably been waiting for the opportunity to speak to her and bring this up.
Also I would include music in the background of these scenes.
Also the characters seem a bit large on screen here. I think it might be best to make them a bit smaller but still bigger than they normally would be that way you can have them appearing close like you want. But I would suggest this change because I’m reading on my iPad and the heads are cut off. I know a lot of people do that, therefore for a lot people the heads will be cut off as well.
I’d fix up the hug by having her walk closer to her mom so her hand rests on her shoulder
You have “I won’t be there when you” I think you meant to include go at the end but forgot :sweat_smile: I do this all time!
also I think you mean I’ll be with Sophiathe whole dance” Instead of what you have
you have because your lame instead of because *you’re lame
You have Ava talk when she thinks before the police officer comes
Ava just suddenly appears into the scene in Alison’s bedroom instead of walking into scene
If you do have the action for this but it’s not showing up for some reason, insert some @pause for a beat(s)! :blush:
Also I’d have Aliso turn around right away after they stop walking instead of having her turn one Ava mentions her face because then it’s like "Did she turn because she knew she would think that?"
Ava’s forgiving action as well as her optimistic action seem a bit too out of her current mood. You can still have her do these things without having her mood drastically change so fast. For example you could have her talk_sad_timid or talk_neutral with the same dialogue and she is still being optimistic/forgiving without it seeming like a drastic change of mood.
Good job on the fighting scene!! Those can be really had to animate!
Overall: I really liked the character!! I’m glad I got the chance to customize them as well as play them!! Your characters feel real and that can be a hard thing to do with episode’s limited actions so good job!! Generally I would just make sure they are talking with each set of dialogue. For example don’t have
AVA (talk_handsonhips)
I really like fish
Do you guys know where to get fish?
have
AVA (talk_handsonhips)
I really like fish
AVA (talk_gesture)
Do you guys know where to get fish?
Also though I understand not always having a period at the end of the sentence I think occasionally to imply the character is speaking with a serious tone, a period at the end is good for that.
I really liked your story! Good luck with the contest! :grin: