💙 Simran's Story Review Shop! 💙 [Closed For Now]

How long are u planning to be open for (:

Well I can take 5 requests at a time! If you want I can add you to the waiting list, but it’ll take some time to get to your story as I’ll have to review the stories of the people before you first! (Normally I can finish two requests in a day so it won’t take that long!)

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That’s fine, I was wondering since I’m writing 3 stories personally and then 2 with a partner so I was wondering if u would still be open by the time I get a little bit further through them (:

Oh yea! I will be open for a while! You should be good!

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Thank u, I’m focusing on my favourite one first for a little while, then working down the others after I get part way through my favourite (:

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Np! :blob_hearts:

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Would u prefer I send the details separately as I do them or wait until I have a few stories at once? (:

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Sending them separately, so I can work on everyone else’s review too! But if you want me to review them together I can do that!

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Okie, I’ll see how much I can get done (:

Thank u for doing these (:

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You’re welcome! :smiley:

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Thanks so much for the review! :star_struck:

More replies lol

The LI didnt really beat up the bad guys. He/she intended to shove them just like the way people do in an argument. Its just that he/she is not aware that such force can send people ‘‘flying’’ hahah

And the glitches! Yes I’m aware of it even before I publish the first 3 episodes :frowning_face: There’s nothing much I can do (if i were to wait and fix it till it have no glitches, which is kinda impossible, I won’t be able to publish it until now haha) I beta read the story multiple times to ensure that the glitches are minimal. They are unavoidable when the story has more than 2 paths and with advance directing. Different readers encounter different glitches :woman_facepalming: Which is why i have to reconsider before having more mini games in the coming episodes. If readers encounter problem, I have to update it. And then when they skip chapter, it’ll mess up the point system and flags.

Anyway, thank you for the constructive criticism. I’ll find ways to improve and make the story better :heart_eyes: :blob_hearts:

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Of course! Glitches are bound to happen and honestly, props to you for including, cc, minigames, AND advance directing in the story! It is extremely difficult to do so and I appreciate the work you put into each chapter! (And about the bad guys thing, thx for clarifying :joy:)

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Thanks and np :blush: :two_hearts:

Hello! Thank you so much for requesting! :blue_heart: Here’s your review:

Short Summary

I think this story has a whole lot of potential! It’s got great plots and I love your writing style! The way you described situations and feelings are amazing! However, there were a couple spot directing mistakes that I encountered (Explained more in the in depth review) There were a few small clichĂ©s I pointed out in the in depth review, but the main idea of your story, about a planned plane crash and the survival aspect of your story is amazing!

In Depth Review

I absolutely love the storyline! It’s got a mysterious vibe to it, and it’s really intriguing to read! Like I also said, your writing style is amazing! It conveys the right emotions and overall I really liked it!

However, there were a few aspects in your story that were lacking. Like the basic spot directing. I’m not saying your story is terrible or that your directing is trash! In fact, for your first story you’re actually doing a really good job! There were a few small directing mistakes that I caught in the first few chapters itself. I’ve noticed a couple times in your story where you’ve changed the scale of the characters, the characters don’t appear that way. What I mean is, sometimes characters will appear on screen in their default scaling size, and slowly walk to the spot you chose for them with the scaling you chose for them, this appears as if the characters are “shrinking” or “growing”. A good example is in the flashback in chapter 1, in the bakery scene, The middle school boy appears as a full size adult, but as he walks closer to the counter, he starts shrinking into well uhh I guess the appropriate scaling for a middle school boy. Sometimes, your zooms get a little messed up, but all of these errors can easily be identified by proofreading your own story! If you keep saving and previewing your story you’ll easily spot mistakes! Spot Directing mistakes are common, especially if it’s your first story! You can’t expect your script to be perfect every time!

Now about clichĂ©s, of course I don’t expect a story to not have a SINGLE clichĂ© in their story! In fact, my first story was just the most overused garbage you’ve ever seen! So while your story doesn’t have major clichĂ©s, it has a few small ones like an “evil” or “hated” step dad. It doesn’t cause a major effect on the story, but I just wanted to point that out!

Another thing is that, it appears slightly unrealistic if your MC just starts opening up to a random guy she just met at a party! (I’m talking about the part where she meets her photographer on the roof) A little story tip/advice that applies here and for other scenes you might make in the future: Try to flow into dialogues and scenes naturally! Imagine the traits, and characteristics of the MC and put yourself in their shoes! Now considering that our MC in this story has social anxiety, she wouldn’t start opening up to a stranger she just met. So now, we can think of an alternative method that will reveal the same information about the MC to the Photographer in a different way! Maybe the photographer drops his business card, the MC picks it up, realizes who he really is and a conversation can flow from there. Maybe instead of the MC speaking to the Photographer, Our best friend meets him on his way out, recognizes him and starts opening up about the MC, as we know that our Best friend is more socially confident! You can use this “method”? For future scenes so you really start thinking like your MC!

One thing I did like about your story is that we instantly know who we’re playing as. We’re directly shown that the MC wants to live her own life as a model rather than the one her mom wants her to live. We’re introduced to her character traits and aspirations, indirectly, which something I appreciate!

Apart from all that, I really think your story has potential! The idea, the plot points, I think it would make a great story! Not everyone’s first story will be a masterpiece! While your story might have small script errors, it’s nothing that can’t be fixed! I’m not going to lie, When I first read your description, I really thought it was just some knock off version of the featured and community story “Trapped”, but your story definitely has its strong and weak points! If you work on it a little more, I’m sure it’ll gain the traction it deserves!

Final Rating

I think a rating of 5/10 is fair! Your story could be so much more if you take a minute to read and understand your own strong and weak point. Improve on them, and make a story that you like to write and one the readers will love to read! I hope you use this review as advice rather than hate!

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Yes! Thank you so much for this review! <3 I completely understand where you’re coming from.

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Moved to Share Feedback since this is for story reviews. Make sure to check out our Forum Tutorial for more info about creating topics, and feel free to PM me if you’ve got questions. :smiley:

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no problem! :blue_heart:

Thank you for requesting! :blue_heart: Here’s your review:

Short Summary

I love how the story line is going so far! It’s compelling and has good cliff hangers. I like that there are impactful choices and the way you have included Diversity in your story! I have no major rants about your story, I like how it’s going so far! I Mentioned more things in the In Depth Review!

In Depth Review

Like I said, your story line is actually pretty good and I appreciate the inclusion of diversity in your story. And your story has a lot of good factors that I liked! But I did want to point out a few things I noticed.

First, Your chapters were a little shorter than what I would have preferred. Of course, it depends if the reader likes shorter or longer chapters, but according to me they felt shorter than the average time, most stories use which is 10 to 15 minutes.

For a detective/cop based story, I think there were plenty opportunities where you could have included overlays to really make your story pop! I saw how you used the tear overlay (in chapter 2 I think?) When Jasmine got a nightmare about her parents. And that’s a good start! What you’re doing so far is great! But there’s always room for improvement!

One thing I found a bit “odd” about your story is the fact that you have included CC and the introduction to your characters in chapter 2. In my opinion, including CC and introduction in chapter one itself would have made the chapter a little longer, and then you could have used chapter 2 to focus more on the storyline itself! I think it would have been better as readers can play chapter 1 for free, so knowing who their playing as, is important before you make them spend a pass on the next chapter! I would love to know your thought process behind putting all the stuff you’d normally find in chapter 1 to chapter 2.

Another question I had about your story was about the speech bubbles.(I will like to point out that this might be something that bothers just me, and not everyone else!) Sometimes speech bubbles appear way bigger than they should be and it just looks a bit out of proportion. Sometimes, it does cover the character’s face. But I understand if you’re doing that just to make the text bigger so that anyone can read it easily. It’s just a really small thing I noticed that I wanted to point out. (Again, I might be the only one who even feels the slightest bit bothered this :joy:)

One thing liked about your story was the humor! There were a couple funny moments and lines :smiley: I also like the references you put in, That was really a nice touch!

Final Rating

6.5/10 (If you wanna round it, then it goes up to 7/10, which is not bad at all!) I think this story was great overall! Just a few little tweaks and I think it has got enough potential to be something big! At least judging by the first three chapters, I would have loved to see some character development in the story! But overall, I think your story just needs a few more things to spice it up, otherwise it’s a really good story!

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Thank you for your review :heart:
I really appreciate it :sparkling_heart::tulip:

Btw, your review skills are great.
Keep giving honest constructive criticism this way! :pray:

I’d love to clarify a couple of things you’ve asked/said. :hugs:

Speech bubble + overlays

You were right about the speech bubbles. :speech_balloon: :thought_balloon:
I have changed that a month or two ago + a few grammar/spelling errors but that will show after I update the newest chapters.
So I understand that you probably would have seen that.
Haha, some are bothered by it some not.
Tbh, I almost forgot about that matter (since my phone shows the recent updated version), lol. :joy:

I also have added the :rice: rice overlay for Emily at the restaurant when I found a suitable overlay.
I’m using more overlays in the future episodes, don’t worry. :slightly_smiling_face:

Story style part 1 --} time & coding

I’d like to keep my episode story “simple”. (the first episodes to be precise)
The future episodes are a bit more complex that’s why you’ll see a huge contrast (if you’d continue reading) in the future episodes when it comes to coding plus the storyline + the time of the story.

About the timing, I’ll admit that the first episodes are a bit short but the future episodes get much longer in the future. (depends on your choices though!)

Also, my thought in that is to keep readers wondering. To keep the first episodes short and sweet if they’ll like the story plot or not.
An average of 2500 lines in the first episodes, for me that’s around 10 minutes of reading.
(Or I’m just slow :snail:)

Story style part 2 --} CC & Introductions

I see the first and second episodes more as an introduction since I have lots of characters and locations so I want it to be crystal clear.

The thought behind it.
Tell me, did you get curious about the guys, about their names, who they are, when/how will they meet the girls while you were reading episode 1 & 2?
If the answer is YES, then I’m happy because I want the reader to wonder what’s going to happen.
(The sneak peek :eyes: is also a thing I add on purpose).
I love to tease a lot and drop sneaky hints that get later on explained.
Just like the Beta boss, her character is still not shown for a deeper reason, and to keep people wondering!
Handing all the info about the characters at once would be boring in my opinion.
Plus, it’s a detective story! You get pieces of info one by one before you solve a puzzle/case!
And that’s the case in this story, you get lost little pieces of a puzzle but it will all connect and form a picture in the end.

The thought behind the CC in episode 2.
Little bg info:
I myself don’t like to CC/ I skip the CC because I want to keep the characters how the author has imagined them to be. (97/100 I don’t change) and if I change I don’t make huge alterations to the characters.
But since INK is limited, I don’t mind giving CC.

My thoughts/reasoning behind it.
At the beginning of the story, you don’t know the characters, how they act, who is who, etc. If you start with CC, the person you’re going to play is already obvious! And I don’t like that, I want to “surprise”/ keep the readers a little in the dark. Just starting with the storyline and let them wonder.
(Example: You can CC the LI at the beginning of the story without even meeting the LI yet in the first couple of episodes.).
The “thrill” of wondering goes away when that happens. You’ll recognize the LI immediately since you’ve already done the CC.
That’s something I don’t prefer. I’d rather CC the LI at the same episode or next episode meeting.

I want them to experience Jasmine in the first episode as her ‘normal’ character how I imagined her to be, then in episode 2, they may change her looks because they’ve got to know who she is and that they’re playing as her.
It could be done at the end of episode 1, but that would ruin the “sensation” of the end of the episode if you know what I mean. That’s why I begin with it in episode 2.

I hope my reasoning makes kind of sense, hehe.:joy::joy::joy::joy::joy:

Last commentary about the Depth Review.

Haha, :see_no_evil: I’m glad you like the humor!
My story is a police story but I can’t write without a little comedy! Some told me it’s sometimes like a romcom, and I kind of agree. :joy:

You’re right there is always something to improve, and I love reviews like this to get some insight. I appreciate every piece of advice, and I try my best to use it if possible.

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Thank you so much for the clarification!
I understand the whole “CC” an “Introduction” thing now! Also glad to see that you had updated your story with an improved version already! :blue_heart:

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