Hey guys!
So I’ve started writing my story, but as I reviewed it, it seemed kind of “unnatural” and “rushed” if you know what I mean. I have written before and that was not the case then (well, that was two years ago). I’m not even sure how to describe what I mean by “unnatural”… it seems cut off (if you know what I mean). How can I make it seem more realistic? I anybody wants to see it, here’s a part of the script;
INT. AIRPORT BOARDING - DAY
@cut to zone 2
&YOU spot 0.740 159 175 in zone 2 and YOU faces right and YOU is idle_happy_loop
&YOU moves to layer 3
&HUNTER spot 0.812 77 159 in zone 2 and HUNTER faces right and HUNTER is idle_happy_loop
&HUNTER moves to layer 2
&LOLA spot 0.749 233 178 in zone 2 and LOLA faces left and LOLA is dance_shake_happy_loop
&LOLA moves to layer 2
@transition fade in black in 2
@zoom on 418 123 to 123% in 1
@speechbubble is 215 231 to 100% with tail_top_left
YOU (talk_excited_happy)
Guys, I can’t wait to go to the Bahamas!
It’s been way too long since our last vacation!
&YOU is idle_happy_loop and HUNTER is listen_nod_happy_loop
@speechbubble is 156 244 to 100% with tail_top_right
LOLA (sing_backup_loop)
We’re going to the Bahamas baby! The B-A-H-A-M-A-S!
&YOU faces right
@speechbubble reset
@zoom on 467 230 to 756% in 0
@YOU is react_sit_confused and YOU faces right
@pause for 1
@zoom on 418 123 to 123% in 0
&HUNTER is laugh_giggle
@speechbubble is 215 231 to 100% with tail_top_left
YOU (talk_deny_neutral)
Don’t ever do that again.
Please.
&YOU is idle_armscrossed_neutral_loop and HUNTER is laugh_giggle
@speechbubble is 156 244 to 100% with tail_top_right
LOLA (laugh_giggle)
But seriously, I’m excited!
&YOU faces left
@speechbubble is 175 246 to 100% with tail_top_left
HUNTER (talk_armscrossed_neutral_loop)
Who wouldn’t be?
&LOLA is idle_happy_loop
&HUNTER is idle_armscrossed_neutral_loop
@speechbubble is 215 231 to 100% with tail_top_left
YOU (talk_smile_happy_loop)
I’m going to the beach as soon as we land!
&YOU is idle_handsonhips_neutral_loop
@speechbubble is 175 246 to 100% with tail_top_left
HUNTER (talk_doubtful)
The beach?
HUNTER (talk_handraised_happy_loop)
All I need are smoothies!
@LOLA is eyeroll_sarcastic and YOU is laugh_crackup and HUNTER is idle_armscrossed_neutral_loop
@speechbubble is 156 244 to 100% with tail_top_right
LOLA (talk_apathetic)
You’re worse than an addicted alcoholic.
&YOU is idle_handsonhips_neutral_loop
@speechbubble is 175 246 to 100% with tail_top_left
HUNTER (talk_pointup_pretentious)
Smoothies are essential, they are the only reason I agreed to come.
&YOU is laugh_giggle
@speechbubble is 156 244 to 100% with tail_top_right
LOLA (talk_repulsed)
I don’t know why I’m still dating you.
&LOLA is think_rubchin
@pause for a beat
LOLA (talk_think_neutral)
I have an idea.
But for that, I need to know when our boarding is.
&YOU faces right
@speechbubble is 215 231 to 100% with tail_top_left
YOU (talk_neutral)
I think in like three minutes.
I’d be glad if someone could help me!