So this is what I’m feeling... How do I bring this up irl?

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I decided to go to the forums about this because I’m sure people could put out all their ideas and help me about with this. I also find it easier to type all this out rather than speaking to someone in person… which is actually the whole issue I have. :sweat_smile: The thing is, I don’t know how to bring this up with my family and friends (irl). So I’m hoping I could get some help from anyone willing.

Okay, so I’ve recently found something out about myself. About my identity. I’ve done research about this label (from the LGBTQ+ community) to make sure it fits how I’ve felt for as long as I could remember.

So here’s the whole story:

I’ve been out to my family as gay since I was very young. Much younger than most people when they first come out. And they’ve all been nothing but accepting and supportive of not only me, but of every letter in LGBTQ+ (as I’m always introducing queer topics with them and they always seem interested). The thing is, although they respect everyone for whatever they identify as, I never expect them to really understand what people with varying identities feel. And that’s what I’m nervous about. I know my family will love and support me no matter what I come out as, but I don’t think they would understand 100% what I feel.

Although I’ve always known that I am physically drawn toward men and only men, the thought of going on dates, getting married, and being romantically involved with anyone always gave me a weird feeling.
I’m in highschool right now, and though there have been guys I’ve felt attracted to, I was never comfortable with the idea of dating. I always kinda assumed it was just my social anxiety, and that I wasn’t yet ready for a relationship. Then I started imagining my future. When exactly will I be ready? I think to myself “I’m probably just gonna have my first boyfriend in college, then marry him.” I keep picturing this, and I still don’t like the feeling I get.

Again, I figured that was just because of my anxiety. But now there’s this:

I’ve always known that I wasn’t a romantic person. I never liked rom coms, I never liked cliches (candlelit dinners, rose petals on the bed, etc. :nauseated_face:). They just never clicked with me. I’ve always preferred the physical interaction than the emotional bonding of relationships. Like with episode love interests for example, this is going to sound SUPER weird but, when they’re making out I enjoy it, but when the characters confess their undying love for each other, then I’m like “Okay, I get it. Please just move on with the story. Is this over yet? Sigh.” Then I realize, this is how I am in real life too. I imagine being in college and having multiple relationships that are either just casual and/or platonic. So now I think, “Does this make me some kind of playboy? Am I gonna turn into one of those guys who just ’doesn’t date?’” So I figure that I’ll explore however long I’d want to, then once I’m a mature adult I’d want to settle down. But the thing is, I don’t.

Then I start to think harder. After tons of questioning, I finally managed to put the pieces together. I just don’t want any kind of romantic relationship, not because I’m scared or that I’m a playboy or a slut, but because I’m just uncomfortable with the idea of being romantically committed to someone.
In other words: I don’t feel the need to be in a romantic relationship.

So I came to this conclusion.
I identify as homosexual aromantic.

Definition of aromantic: lack of experiencing romantic attraction to anyone, regardless of gender.
Since I found this out, I’ve been researching aromanticism to make sure my feelings correlate before putting a label on myself. And I definitely do think that I am aro.
I’ve already announced it with an IGTV video on my Instagram my handle is @crimsoncat_writes if you wanna follow me lmao :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye: for all my friends and followers to see. I’ve gotten such nice comments on it. They understand 100% and my epi friends have been nothing but proud and supportive.

What I have trouble with is explaining this to my family and friends irl. I have no clue how to bring it up and tell them all of this. I feel as though falling in love and getting married is everyone’s peak in life unless their aro lol so I’m worried they would think it’s sad. Tbh this doesn’t upset me at all. I’m just glad I found a word for what I’ve been feeling all this time. So what do I do? Should I put together a freakin PowerPoint or something? :joy:

If I could get anyone’s input, I’d be so happy. Please help me out. :pray:

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Would you feel comfortable if I privately messaged you? :thinking:

(Please don’t be afraid lol, I’m harmless haha)

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Ofc! :heartpulse:

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I may not be aromantic, but I can explain the difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction pretty well. I can also give some insight onto how I came out to my family if you’re curious ◡̈ We can talk here or on instagram if you’d like !

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Hey! I was so happy to see your username come up.:laughing::heartpulse:
I actually did have a conversation with my family about how some people’s sexual and romantic orientations may not always correlate (which they were able to immediately understand to my surprise). Yeah if you’d like to give me any more insight I’d love that! :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:

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Omg I’m in the same boat as you. I’m not exactly sure of my identity, but I just identify as NB and aroace flux because it feels most right. And while my family is understanding the LGB part of LGBTQ+ they don’t understand the rest of the identities.

I have 0 advice on how you should tell them, but if you figure out, let me know :sweat_smile: (if you’re comfortable with that, at least)

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Haha I will :laughing:
Thanks! :heartpulse:

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Alright yea!! I’ll sort of explain my journey of discovering my identity in hopes that it will help you either come out or gain some pride in your identity. So I’ll put this in a drop thingy because not everyone will want to read this absolute BEAST of a novel lol

Romantic vs Sexual Attraction

Romantic Attraction: A deep or longing feeling to be emotionally close to someone in a non-friendly manner

Sexual Attraction: A deep or longing desire to be physically intimate with someone who ar**ses you.

Asexuality: A lack of sexual attraction to others.
Analogy: If s*x = food, then asexual people just don’t get hungry.

Aromanticism: A lack of romantic attraction to others.
Analogy: If romantic love = desire to engage in a hobby, then aromantic people just don’t have a hobby or activity they particularly love.

  Now this is where my experience with all of this comes into play.
Denial (this one is the longest)

When I was about 13, I came out as bisexual, knowing that I had crushes on both men, women, and NB people. As I grew older, my friends started talking about the spicy things they were doing with their partners, right? LET ME TELL YOU HOW CONFUSED I WAS, OK?? I kid you not, I thought they were lying and it was all fake. I seriously thought that stuff only happened in movies to further the plot… I didn’t even realise that was how procreation was possible… Needless to say, I had no idea what was going on and firmly believed it was some inside joke. However, when I had my very first relationship (I was 17), my partner was consistently touching me in a more… intimate manner. They seemed to be really into it and I felt, well, indifferent. It didn’t spark any sort of desire; if anything, it made me sort of nauseous. That relationship didn’t last long, unfortunately. At the end of that relationship, I felt broken. Not from heartbreak, but because I just couldn’t do what my partner wanted. I looked up why I may be feeling this way, and came across asexuality. I immediately knew that I was asexual, but I didn’t want to be asexual. I remember crying for weeks, and coming up with a plan to “fix myself.” So, I fell into a deep slope of denial and had a pretty promiscuous phase for about 6 months (I was 18, don’t worry). 15 people later, and hours of crying because I never felt anything and always ended up vomiting… I decided I would just wait it out. I mean, you can’t actually be asexual, right? YES. YOU CAN. AND YOU CAN ALSO BE AROMANTIC. Young Sam is sh*tting their pants right now. Anyway, I kept that to myself until October of last year. It ate me up inside and nearly k*lled me. This was mainly because I entered into a new relationship that started out pretty intimately heavy. I found myself extremely unhappy, and that’s when I realized I needed to face the truth and come out.

Coming Out

(At this point in time, I had already come out as Agender) The first person I came out to as Demi-Biromantic and Aseuxal was to my partner on October 18th, 2020. When I tell you I ugly cried though the entire thing, believe me lol. Unfortunately, my partner told me that I betrayed them and lead them on for months. That truly broke me and caused me to feel guilty for being me. We’ve been rocky ever since, and I’m debating on ending things because I always find myself apologizing for being me… :neutral_face: . Anyway, about 3 months later I came out to my mother and she was overwhelmingly supportive. I didn’t really explain anything to her tbh. I just gave her some articles to read to help her understand. In all honesty, I don’t think she read them because to her, my happiness is all that matters… no matter how I identify. She made my cry because of the love she showed me and made me feel like a person with value for the very first time (I can only hope everyone else has this experience). After coming out to my mom, I came out to my brother and my close friends. All of them were supportive as well :grin: !! This swiftly brings us to the next section of this MF NOVEL.

Gaining Confidence

The first step I took in being more confident in myself was taking space in LGBTQ+ spaces. Unfortunately, I was greeted with both ace-phobia and bi-phobia… shocker. I quickly left those spaces, and went to ace, aro, and agender specific spaces. Those were safe for me, and the people in those groups have helped shape my confidence so. incredibly. much. It’s sort of why I will immediately jump to help any ace, aro, or agender person. We’re always told we aren’t actually LGBTQ+, yet at the same time, we don’t fit into the cishet norm and face endless struggles. For rom-ace people, we’re told we aren’t real. For aro-allo people, they’re told they’re using people for their bodies. For aro-ace people, they’re told they’re straight up robots and broken. It’s ridiculous. So I stand for aro - ace unity, because by the gods, without it I would be dead. So, after gaining enough confidence that I’m not broken, and that I belong in LGBTQ+ spaces, I was able to accept who I am (even though I still struggle).

Acceptance

OH DEAR, THIS ONE KEPT ME ON THE STRUGGLE BUS FOR AGES :triumph: I feel like this process would’ve been smoother if my partner wasn’t in the picture tbh :confused: It’s sad but it’s reality. I think the biggest part for me, in terms of acceptance, was surrounding myself with people who were like me. I saw them living happy lives, carefree lives, and lives worth living. By seeing that and talking to people with similar struggles, I found my place in this world. And with everything in me, I will continue to keep that place.

So Crim, you are loved, valid, and do not need to explain to anyone why you deserve to be here. Come out on your own terms, be patient with those who don’t understand, and hope that those who don’t understand will eventually do so. While a powerpoint may help, I think that living the truest form of your life will show them that your happiness comes first (whether they understand it or not)… because when you’re the most authentic you can be, you will shine brighter than everyone around you.

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Omg Samaria I literally cried :sob::heartpulse:
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all that. But I’m so happy you were able to accept yourself and gain support. Thank you so much for these words, I really needed to hear them :smiling_face_with_three_hearts::smiling_face_with_three_hearts::smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

And for the record, that partner didn’t deserve you :sunglasses::ok_hand:

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You’re welcome!! Never be afraid to reach out. All of us care for you deeply and want to see you succeed :yellow_heart: …and thank you :relieved:

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I’m so happy for you! :’) It warms me when people find things that better help define themselves.

I don’t know your family, but it sounds like they’re already quite lovely understanding people, so I’m sure however you choose to tell them will be the right choice.

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Thanks so much. That means everything :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Firstly I’m so proud of you for explaining what you’re going through on here!! :two_hearts::heartbeat:
As a straight female, i can relate to the aromantic part, I’ve never been fond of a romantic relationship let alone marriage, even though i enjoy cliches on Episode :sob: but that’s about it!

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I am pansexual aromantic.
And When I was in high school, I had no idea that any such romantic orientation exists.
Most of my relationships would just last for like 3 days.
The whole concept of marriage or dating made me sick.
My parents are very conservative, so I cannot even come out to them.
Honestly, if your parents are supportive, just try to sit with them, and explain them about your sexuality.
Your parents sound pretty cool.

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Haha, yeah. Once in a while I may find a good love story I actually like, but anything overly sappy or sentimental makes me :nauseated_face:

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I definitely feel the same. I know my parents are accepting, so that relieves me in a way. :relaxed:

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Ahhh, I’m literally the opposite. :sweat_smile:

I love the idea of being romantic with someone, but the idea of physical interaction doesn’t interest me. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t really experienced it yet or because I just don’t like it. Oh, and by physical interaction, I mainly mean s#x. I love the idea of hugging and kissing, but when I think of s#x, I’m like “Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I don’t see what’s so interesting about it.”

(Though, I am sixteen, turning seventeen soon, so maybeee it’s because I’m still young.)

Honestly though, @CrimsonCat6 I’m sure that your family and friends in real life will support you once you’ll tell them. I’d bring it up when there are more serious conversations going on so it doesn’t really feel out of place, and just be completely honest and explain it the best you can. I’d think it through a little bit before so that the thoughts can be clearly expressed. :grinning: :+1:

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You are a nice person @CrimsonCat6

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I definitely will. Thanks so much for these words :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Thank you!! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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